Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 100

I didn't know where I was when I woke up. At first. I thought that I was home, back in the apartment when Jonah was holding me sleeping next to me and the next second my mind made me think that I was back in the cell that I had been in for so long, I still didn't know how long it was when the image of what happened made its way through my clouded mind and I turned around, seeing Jonah. Oh... that's right.... That shit too.... I fell down again from being up, he just pulled me closer like he wasn't going to let me go and I didn't want to go either, no matter how much I hated myself for it, I just couldn't let go. I was still dress in the sweatsuit and Jonah was shirtless, he was warmer than me and I curled back, wanting all the heat that he could give me when it hit me and my eyes popped open, he was a drug lord. He was.

Look at him.

Just f*****g look at him Andrea, you were too f*****g stupid to see it yesterday, but he was just walking out in the middle of an army of men that all had their guns out and the second he was in danger in their eyes, they would have killed me, no questions asked. My heart slamming hard against my chest, what was going on here really? How did a nineteen-year-old kid go from a chummy fucking small-time drug dealer to this man that was commanding the shit out everyone in the room?! I mean yes, he was still Jonah, so it made perfect sense that he acted like he owned the world but maybe he fucking did? Just look at this place?! My eyes going around the bedroom, it looked nothing like the one in the apartment, it was a nice place, nicer than the neighbourhood we lived in but this, no this was rich beyond what I ever had seen, more than Ryan and he was a f*****g corporate lawyer!

"Jonah!" I was shaking him hard when he just made a complaining noise and for a second that made me so happy because he was sounding like he always did when I was waking him up, snarling and wanting to sleep more, just like when he was just mine. "What?! What the hell is it?!" he was rubbing his eyes seeing me and it took three seconds before his brain understood that it was me and didn't look just as much like wanted to kill whoever was waking him up.

"Tell me. tell me what the fuck is going on, or I'm leaving you." He pulled himself up sitting just like men and leaned his head back making me want to lean back at him, but I resisted, and I hated that he saw that I wanted it so bad that it was hurting inside me. "Leave me? I just love that part about you Andrea...." He was already stroking my hair when I slapped his hand away, more annoyed then angry, we hadn't come to that part yet, but the way he was acting we were going to get there fast!

"Stop it, you know what I fucking mean? Just tell me who the fuck you are and why you are here, why I am here?! Jonah this is not the fucking apartment and I know that even you wouldn't be able to afford this shit!" I was waving my arms around making his amused eyes follow like he finally got what I was talking about and that was so pissing me off right now.

"you're right, I can't afford this, not even as shitty drug dealer...." He smirked when I made a loud complaining noise and just fell back, I was so going to ignore the shit out of him if he kept this up!

"Andrea... hey come back here...." He took my writs, gently this time, nothing like he had done yesterday when I was having a panic attack and just pulled me back to him and this time I just gave in, sue me. I wanted to be close no matter how much I wanted to kill him, my stupid heart still wanted him.

"This is my parents place....." His deep dark voice making me just close my eyes and lean in even more, made sense I guess, too bad they didn't like me.

"... Or it's there place here in the states and now I'm here because I was so fucking scared, you were gone Andrea, like completely gone and I hadn't the fucking resources to handle that, not like I can do here..." He stopped when I looked up, turning my head so that I was watching his secret smile, so he was here because of me then?

"What is here?" I didn't know it I really wanted to know but.... I think I did... something told me that maybe he didn't want to be here either considering he had been almost hiding in a crappy apartment and all this when he met me.

"Its....my legacy...." He looked so sick and tired all the sudden making my heart ache, no he was more than just being some heir if he didn't want to be one! I wasn't going to stand here and let him suffer, I know that I was the one that had been hurting but f**k me it hurt me like hell when I know he was suffering alongside with me.

"Fuck Legacy." I just said that when he started to chuckle like that was the funniest thing he had ever heard, like there was no way for him to get away from here, this mansion or whatever it was.

"I can't do that, I only had a small window and when I met you that window got smaller, my Ma is not a patient woman and she wants me to marry some girl from the homeland, but that's not what I want..." I just looked at him stupidly, the homeland. His ma wanted him to marry a girl from the homeland? What the hell was this? The fifties!?

"Jonah.... I just don't get what the hell you are saying right now?" he smirked like he knew that too and took my hand, kissed it making me feel more loved with one touch then Ryan had done over eight years, the warmness in his eyes when they met mine, oh f**k he really knew how to win me over when he looked at me like that. the boyish charm combines with him just getting everything he pointed at, more than I realised.

"I want to marry you, Andrea." He stared seriously into my eyes when I just blinked, my words not making any sense even in my head. He wanted to do what?!

"Jonah......no...." I don't even know why I said no.... but we couldn't do that... I couldn't do that after.......fuck! no I didn't want that, I couldn't! he looked confused after me when I shook my hand out his, like he was trying to figure out what he did wrong to make me back away from him.

"You don't? but I love you! I thought you loved me too?! Andrea, this is the easiest way for us to get what we want, a life together when my parents can't separate us!" he wasn't going to let me runaway anymore when I had stepped closer to the window making him eye it fast like he was worried that I was going to jump, and he should be because I still wanted to die after what happened down in that f*****g cell that Austin had kept me inside.

"I been married Jonah and it doesn't work that way okay!? It just doesn't! "His face going hard on me like he wasn't going to take no for an answer anymore, like the taste of living without me had been all he f*****g needed to decide that I wasn't going anywhere anymore.

"You know what? I don't give a shit about that, consider it fucking payment for what you owe me, I told you Andrea, so many times that I'm not letting you go, when are you going to get that in that blond head of yours!" He sneered eyeing my hair. he didn't like it making me feel even more hurt. he didn't like anything about me these days it seemed, only when I was thicker and had long dark hair like the f*****g calculating guy he was.

"What! You are a fucking psychopath, just like always!? I don't get to f*****g decide if I want to marry you or not?! What the f**k are going to do, shoot me if I don't say yes?!" my knees shaking, my chest hurting when he just stared at me like he couldn't believe I just said that making me feel bad again in the middle of being pissed off, f**k it was hard being with him and still there was nothing more I ever wanted to do, live with him for the rest of our lives, but not like this. Not forced to be married when I knew for sure that he wasn't ready for that, I was 21 when I did it with Ryan and it fucked me up more then I wanted to admit, and he was just nineteen, that was ridiculous!

"You keep calling me that and I will be fucking acting like one Andrea. I'm trying to tell you that I fucking love you and want you to be my wife, my fucking life even if nobody else wants that, why the fuck are you always struggling against me?!" he was growling at me, jaw clenched and his eyes hurt like they always was when he didn't get me, didn't understand that I didn't want to do all that shit again, the whole white wedding and a hundredth people around me, telling that I would love a guy forever when I didn't. "I... I just can't.... I can't......" my voice kept being drenched out by the lump in my throat and my small sniffle that started to make me cry before I knew it, hiding my face into the sweatshirts arm that was too long and too big for me, he didn't understand and he never would, I was ruined, destroyed and gone. Just like that.

"You can't or you fucking wont?" he was still standing there, bare-chested when I raised my eyes feeling even worse, more guilty then ever when he really was suffering, I hated that I had left him, I really did.

"Both." My dead voice just echoing over the big bedroom when he flinched and I collapsed onto the bed starting to cry, nothing mattered anymore, didn't he understand that? there was nothing in the world that could make anything better now. Not even him. "This is because I'm too young again, right?" he didn't even sound angry when I just nodded and kept my hands tightly together, just like I did in the elevator when he was just staring at me helpless like he had done everything in his power to change my mind, when there was no way for me to ever being able to say yes to him, not after the basement.

"that's fucking bullshit!" the anger rising in his eyes, the whole strong body tensing up when he pushed his hair back like he had forgotten that it wasn't long anymore like before and just looked like he wanted to burn down the world around us.

"I'm twenty, Andrea... please for fuck sakes, in ten years when I'm your age what the f**k will this matter? I just know that I love you and I don't know why, but I can't have anyone else, not like you baby. Never anyone else but you!" my head just fell down more, he was desperate, and I just wanted to disappear, I didn't want to be here anymore, and I wasn't talking about the mansion, all of this was pointless anyway. I had nothing to be happy over.

"There is no more of us... don't you get that? I'm done with all what we are.... I mean look at you, you are too young and I'm just a stupid housewife that thought that we could make it.... but you know what.... I can't anymore... I just.... I ..." my voice fading out again when he took a hold of me, my hands and dragged me up against his body, fuming over what I had said, the anger that made his eyes just go mad from the thought of us not being together, he wanted me, and he was not giving up on that.

"In hell we are! you are my soulmate, Andrea. You got that?! I don't give a shit about f*****g moral, right and wrong, I just want you!" My tired eyes looking up into his ones, intense and dangerous, passionate and bold, just like he always did when he wanted me to listen to him.

The warmth from his fingers that was digging into my arms and the heat from his hard body made me want to die even more, soulmates? That was rich.... I turned my head away only to have him take a hold of my jaw and drag me back, not letting me look away for a second, keeping me hostage like always did when my heart was starting to beat faster like it was slowly thawing up on me, I don't know what I was feeling, but he did and he was not going to give up without a fight, never did.

"Mo mhuirnín dílis... fuck you still don't get it do you? I love you." He pulled my face closer, leaning in not even caring that I was whimpering against him, he shouldn't be kissing me not after what that disgusting bastard had done to me.... "Stop.... I don't want to do it.... I don't want to hear that you love me anymore...." This way I pulled away my face, ignoring that my chest was hurting, maybe Chris was right I was just a whore and Jonah deserved so much more than me. "Andrea, you tell me right fucking now why you are acting like this! Its like you are some weid fucking version of yourself I don't know anymore, acting like you want to die and just telling me to f**k off!" he screamed it when I just made another whimper and held my hands over my ears, so what? So f*****g what if he didn't get it, he wouldn't get it even if I f*****g told him!

"You want that boring fucker, is that it? Did he make you fall for him finally? Like I don't fucking know that he tries all the time!" I didn't answer, no more. I didn't want to hear it anymore, no f*****g more about me wanting James. That was the last thing on my mind. "I can't fucking tell you! You are the fucking boss! How the fuck can you not now what fucking happened to me!?" I screeched when my limit was reached, he was just kept on pushing me like he was a stupid kid that he f*****g was, the boss my f*****g a*s! "Something happened to you... What happened!?" he shifted in one second when I just screamed at him so more, not even words but just hard nonsense that was mixed with crying, I hated him, I hated that he took me into his life, I hated that he had brought Chris attention too me, and I hated that he f*****g left me in the snow all alone!"

"You left me! you fucking left me, and I hate you, you hear me, Jonah! I f*****g hate you for leaving me in the snow like a goddam whore, well guess what now I am, just a f*****g whore!" I pushed past him when he wobbled, taken by surprise when I marched towards the window and took a fast step upon the window seal not even looking back at Jonah that was still shellshocked from my outlashing, the hard desperation in my screeching voice and wild eyes when he finally seemed to understand what I was doing when I was opening the frame to take the final step outside.

"oh fuck no!" I Screamed on the top of my lungs when I felt that hard arms around me, pulling me back and just dragging me backwards from my escape when I screamed even more and clawed into his arms with my nails, he was not stopping me, not this time! "Where ethe fuck do you think you are doing to me, Andrea, stop this shit right now!" I screamed while I was just trashing around, working so hard, I just wanted to be free, I didn't want him to hold me, tell me I was going to be okay. Because I wasn't. "Just let me die you selfish fucker! You left me, you let me get fucked raped!" I still was screaming, panting when his arms around me became loose for a couple of seconds giving me the breathing room I need and just got loose, staring at him empty and crazy, I hated him!

"Who raped you!?" the small window of him being shocked was over and now, there was only darkness in the blue green eyes that stared me down, demanding answers not giving a shit if I could do it or not still panting hard and staring back desperate and ferocious.

"Listen to me closely Andrea... who fucking raped you?" he was having the darker voice, the one that commanded me and the whole fucking world when a small insane laughter just bubble out of my dry throat, he wasn't the boss here if he didn't know, how the f**k couldn't he not know who did this to me!?

"Chris." His name sounded so bad, so awful and disgusting when I said it. Fucking Chris.

Jonah didn't say a word, not a damn word when he took my hand, grab me hard and just started to drag me with him, I wasn't even fighting back anymore, I was spent, exhausted when he opened the door and suits was there, two of the just outside the room when he handed me over like I was more of property then his girlfriend, his soulmate.

"Take her back down, If I fucking catch her walking outside here, I'm going to kill you first." He left me and I stared after him, the strong tall man he was, and still a kid, still so f*****g immature and naïve, and I loved him. I did.

"Let's go...." I looked to the side finally seeing Mr sunshine and just stared at the ground knowing that I was going back to the small holding cell, but at this point, what did it matter? I was already dead inside my heart.