Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 117

I sat up. It was too quiet.

It was making me even more nervous when I was already up from the bed and saw no baby that was screaming her head off making me go into panic mode when I was rushing out the door, ready to start screaming when I stopped frozen seeing Jonah that was watching cartoons sitting on the floor having my precious baby in his arms, sleeping like he had been up for hours and I started to cry uncontrollably.

He looked so f*****g beautiful sitting there on the floor, holding our baby that my heart almost couldn't take it, he needed to be with us, or I was going to go f*****g crazy, and I knew it.

"you fucker!" I slapped the back of his head hard when he looked up at me pissed and growled back like he didn't get why I was upset seeing that Kira was fine sleeping in her father's arms, where she belonged.

"Andrea, what the f**k!?" he was hissing at me when I started to cry more falling down on my knees beside him and just leaning against his hard body, I was so scared something had happened to Kira and she was here with him perfectly fine.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry baby... I just thought someone had taken her... I got scared... I'm sorry for hitting you..." I was still bawling into his t-shirt when he made a deep sigh losing his anger like he got it and just leaned his head back at me, still holding the sleeping Kira that made small movements not even aware that I had a smaller anxiety attack over the fact that she wasn't in the bedroom when I woke up.

"No... she is right here.... she was screaming and I didn't want to wake you, so we got up and watched some tv..." he made a smile that melted my heart right away... he was so f*****g good with her.... look at him, he was.

"I can see that... f**k... Jonah... does it hurt baby?" I was stroking my hand over the spot where I had whacked him when he did a small chuckle like he thought I was being cute and I was still stroking my fingers into his beautiful dark-brown hair, he was so perfect, even now sitting here on the floor in boxers and t-shirt, he was the fucking best dad I ever could I hoped he would be, no matter that he was young.

"Yeah... It's alright... I forgive you if you kiss me..." I made a deep breath hearing him say that, leaning over my face and kissing him slow and deepening the kiss not even thinking about it, I was so f*****g happy he was here with me.

We pulled back smiling like crazy when I still had his minty breath and I felt bad he had to kiss me in the morning, but he didn't seem to care when I watched him get up, far easier than I ever would have done, not even using his hands for support, becoming his tall height with me still kneeling on the floor smiling like crazy seeing him hold our baby.

"Hold on, I want to get a picture of this..." I got up when he waited in the living room with me ruffling through my bag for my phone and found it pulling up a pack of condoms that Tom had gotten me and I never had used, forgotten even. F**k. I looked up stressed at Jonah, it was too soon, right? I couldn't get pregnant again that fast... no that was impossible.... I drop my worries when I walked back and was already snapping pictures when he was smiling holding her and I was so thankful he wanted to be here on Christmas morning, Kira's first one, it was priceless.

"Let's get one together!" I said it happily walking over before realising that he was so much taller than me, always was when he had to bend down to make us all get into the frame, I was looking like hell but who cared? I had my baby and my boyfriend, and it had been one of the best nights in my life so far.

"Andrea, no fucking filters, look at me! do I look like I want fucking lashes??" he made a frown when I took it off giving me an even more horrible view of myself, but like I said, who cared? I wanted to remember this day forever.

"Done!" I made a happy smile kissing him when he made a groin getting up again and I looked at him giving me a smile that I loved, I had no idea how long he had been up since we hadn't gone to sleep until around three in the morning and I knew Kira was up before six every day.

"Thank fucking god, send that to me alright? I want to eat something and open the gifts before I go..." I stopped smiling when he said that, leave?? What the f**k was he talking about!? It was Christmas fucking morning and he was leaving me!? again?! "No." I said it sterner when he handed over Kira trying to not make me bite his head off when he did a frustrated face like he couldn't believe that I didn't get why he had to leave, guess what!? I didn't!

"I thought you got it Andrea. I told you; I am not supposed to even be here, I just told Shailene that I was spending Christmas at my parents and them that I was with her!" he was saying it slow and frustrated like that would help not making me want to start crying and kill him at the same time, that fucking bastard! why was he even here if he just was going back to her the second he was out the door, I was so sick of this shit!

"Get the fuck out then, leave!" I couldn't resist screaming at the end making my baby start to cry and I did a deep intake of air, closing my eyes because I knew she was going to cry all day, the minute he wasn't here to help me or me feeding her, she was going to cry. "No! not yet, its only 5.30 and I want to stay some more......." he said it sadder making me open my eyes again, not giving a shit that I was crying again, I hated this, hated him for just being able to walk out and leaving me, that lucky bastard! he wasn't the one that had to stay and listen to a baby that screamed her head of around the clock when he wasn't here!

"I don't give a shit, you hear me, Jonah!? You fucked me and you seen Kira, so I guess you are all good and filled up now!? back to the fucking perfect life where there are no older girlfriend and kid that exist!" I was snapping back at him when Kira cried louder making Jonah's face start to crack, me being this accusing bitch and her screaming when he wasn't used to it, not like me, I was just waiting for him to start yelling back in my face what a f*****g bitch I was. "Andrea, stop that! stop talking like that's all I want! You know that I want to be here!" he was hissing it, jaw clenched hard and made me snort. Yeah, he kept telling me that, but he never was around, and he knew it!

"Oh, for fucks sakes! Even James has been here more then you have, but you don't get that do you?? you think its so f*****g easy being here all alone and just waiting every f*****g second on a snap or for you to show up, I am going f*****g crazy here.... she screams all the time Jonah; do you even know that!? no! because the only time she ever shuts up is when you are around!" I was screaming it full force gasping the slightest when he was pushing his lips together in a thin line, his eyes going dark on me and I knew that if Kira hadn't been here in my arms, he would have snapped on me, might still do it.

"Then give her to me." he said it hard and dangerous when I made a jerking step back seeing that he was serious, give her over to him, was he f*****g insane!? I was not giving up my baby, not to him or anyone!

"NO!" I said it angry and honestly terrified when he took half a step closing the distance between us, he was not letting me get away and I already knew that.

"Why?! You said it yourself, you can't f*****g handle her screaming all the time and you are going f*****g crazy just waiting around on me so what is the f*****g problem Andrea?? Just hand her over and I can make sure that you never have to see her ever again!" he was looking really scary when I started to cry, no! no that's not what I meant, and he knew it! Why was he acting like I wanted to send her away?! I was just tired of being alone!

"Don't you f*****g dare touch her! you will have to kill me first, alright! I will kill you if you take her away from me!" I was holding her firmly, breathing heavy from my screaming when he held his hands up and looked like he was done and started to go to the bedroom, picking up his clothes making my heart dropped. this is the part I knew all too well, us screaming and him leaving me, like he always did when things got to far like it did right now.

I was staring at him walking past me, Kira still crying when I looked at him beggingly not to leave me only to hear the sound of the front door being shut down hard and I sat down onto the sofa, pulling my boob out making Kira latch onto me when I was the one that was crying, he left me.... he f*****g left me on Christmas, and I was feeling so hurt that I didn't know what to do anymore, I just was pissed at him for never being around, why couldn't he get that!?

I was still crying hearing the door opening again and I looked up when he walked back inside, he hadn't been gone that long and now he was standing here before me and looking like he was sorry, but he was to fucking proud to tell me, always was. "Just leave.... I will talk to you another day... okay Jonah?" I felt my strength was gone, all the love that I felt for him was still burning strong in my heart, but it was so difficult being all alone and seeing him live a life that I knew that me and Kira was never going to be invited too.

He took a deep breath, arms crossed over his chest when he looked like he didn't want to leave, I knew he didn't. I did.

"No...... you know what... I'm staying..." he walked up the last step and sank down before me, looking at me with hurt in his eyes and I hated that I was the one that made him feel like that, I never wanted to do that, I loved him more then anything. Him and Kira was my reason for even taking my next breath.

"You can't.... You can't stay Jonah..." I looked down on Kira, she was staring at me gulping down every single mouth she took. I felt even worse, I knew he was trying to protect us, but it was so easy to get lost to the ghosts in my head, if he was just playing me along, having a great time with homeland girl and just f*****g me on the side-lines.....

"I don't care, I don't Andrea... I want to stay and I'm staying... "he made a ghost of a smile that I didn't respond to, did he even believe that himself, I bet that if he didn't show up on time, his mother of fiancé would send guys after him, to them I was just an annoyance, a pebble that was chaffing their perfect life.

"I care. I fucking care about Kira, Jonah... please I know that I went f*****g crazy on you but... I understand... f**k... I do understand even if I f*****g hate it, okay?" I was feeling more hot tears burning my cheeks when he looked like he wanted to die seeing me cry, taking his hands and stroking them over my face like it would help, my tears kept falling anyway.

"I'm sorry, you don't know how fucking sorry I am baby, seeing you like this and... fuck you know that I would never take Kira away from you, you are her Ma, she needs you..." he said it softer making me look back at him, the blue green eyes giving me so much sadness that I wanted to die from the heartbreak it was giving me. whatever he was going to do, he better hurry the hell up because I was losing my mind being here without him.

"She needs you too Jonah...you are her Da...." I said it sadder when he flinched from me saying that, like he hadn't really thought about that, not really before I said it to his face, he wasn't her uncle or friend. No, he was her father no matter what people said or thought about it, he was.

"Oh fuck...." He just said that, dragging his hand over his face and hair like that really had hit him right in the face making me do a sigh.... Did he just realise that he was a dad or what?

"You know what? You are right baby; I am her Da and I am sick of this bullshit!" He was looking back up at me from staring at Kira making me see the hard determination that he had before he was doing something that we both was going to end up paying for and I knew it.

"I'm going to tell her, straight to her fucking face that I have a kid and I don't want her virgin ass, not even if she f*****g paid me!" he was standing up again making me nervous, no... I didn't want him to do something that pulled him into danger or me and Kira for that matter.

"What happens then? What happens when you tell homeland girl that you have a daughter and girlfriend??" I didn't even try to hide the worry in my voice of face, someone was going to hunt us down and I knew it, if it was homelands family or his didn't matter, things would get ugly!

"I don't know... okay?? I don't know but I can't take this anymore.... You think its easy on my side Andrea, its f*****g not! I am just trying to take every chance I have to get here to you and Kira, making sure that nobody follows me and it's not as easy as it sounds!" he was getting more restless, his tall body trembling from the emotions he never was brave enough to face until I was around and dragged them out of him.

"I know you do; I know!" I said it desperately back, I didn't want him to go back, and I didn't want him to put Kira in danger either, it was breaking my heart seeing him trying to solve this and being just as trapped as me, just because he and I was not supposed to be in love, have a life together, share a home or have a baby.

"Fuck!!" he was roaring it when Kira made a low deep crying noise that made him stop from starting to trash the place when I just tried to calm her down, still looking at him sad, who the hell were we kidding?? he was never going to get out of this, we were just too stupid to see it!

"I am going to go and stay at James place, when you leave." I said it dead, and he looked like I just had told him his absolute worst nightmare, me moving in with James, taking Kira along.

"NO! I am not letting you do that, Andrea! Please! Please just give me time and..." he was rambling when I made a stern look at his young face, he would what? What would he do??

"Tell me then, Jonah... please for the love of god... tell me what your grand plan is to make sure that you don't have to marry homeland and see that me and Kira don't get taken out as a fucking revenge from your Ma or your fiancée??" I was telling him it sternly when he started to open his mouth and then closed it making my heart drop to my stomach. So, he had nothing then.

"No....no.... I just.... No, I don't want that Andrea... please..." he was going down on his knees and I just stared at him, sometimes he was this big strong guy that could kill someone and not have any regrets, and then he was this... a small boy, a kid that was lost and I didn't know how I could help him, I wanted too but I was not risking Kira, not for anyone.

"I don't want that either.... I just... its easier.... You and I.... Jonah... look at us, really look at us baby, I never wanted to be without you, I f*****g loved you since I saw you smirking in the door at me after our first fight..." he made a smile hearing that, but it was true... I mean I was obsessed over him. I didn't care for any other guy, only him.

"I wanted you from the second I saw you march into my place screaming about the music, your ass was so hot babe, in fucking sweatpants..." he made a sad snicker when I joined in the laughter that sounded more like we were crying, fuck. Life was not fair. "You know me... I love my fucking sweatpants...." He made a bigger smile, this time reaching his eyes when I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't. how was I supposed to see the only guy I ever loved leave me and our baby because he was trapped into something that he never had any choice over?

"I'm not going to stop trying.... I don't know what to do.... not yet anyway..." he was relaxed now, shoulders down and looking defeated making me sigh, well at least he was being honest and not giving me or himself false hope that we could be together. "I know you won't.... but until you do...." I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to say it was over. It was hurting to much when he looked up at me, straight into my eyes with his own ones that always blew me away, he was breath-taking.

"I know.... I fucking know..... you are going to live a happy fucking family life with that fucker and I am going back to Shailene...." He sounded so tired in the end making me feel even worse, I don't understand how his mother couldn't see that he was suffering, or maybe she just turned a blind eye and pretended, just like my own one did.

"I will never be happy without you Jonah... never..." I said it broken when we still were looking at each other, Kira ruffling around my b****t and he knew I was telling him the truth, I f*****g loved him.

He nodded and kissed my hand hard, making me cry more, I was going to cry for the rest of my life as long we were apart and I already knew that when he helped me up, standing from his knees and held me tightly like he didn't want to let me go when he had too. He was holding Kira again when we were walking towards the door, me holding his hand and still crying seeing that he was looking like he wanted to start to cry too, I hated this! I hated his family and all that came with it! Why couldn't they see that him and me, we f*****g belonged together!

"I'm coming back to you.... you hear me Kira, I'm coming back for you Mo mhuirnín dilis..." he was starting to choke up when I leaned closer, feeling the hard emptiness that was forming in my chest knowing that he was leaving, and this time he was not coming back no matter what he was telling us.

"I can't wait for you anymore Jonah.... I just can't...." He looked up at me, this time he had tears when I was already crying, Kira staring up at him, I thanked God she didn't know what was happening, at least her heart didn't have to break too.

He didn't answer that, just gave me the smallest smile that didn't reach his eyes before kissing my forehead making me close my eyes feeling my tears that kept spilling down, he would never know how much I loved him. Never.

"I know that.... but I will come back Andrea....and when I do, I don't care if you are fucking married to that old bastard, I'm coming back to get you and Kira." He said it grimmer than I ever had heard him making me start to cry even more, I didn't want to hear that, him giving me false hope was the worst he could do right now!

"don't... don't fucking say that Jonah.... Don't make me think that you are coming back...." I was pleading him when he looked even grimmer, all the love and happiness gone from his dark eyes, I didn't want him to do something stupid that could get him hurt or killed, that was my worst nightmare!

"I don't care baby, I am coming back and when I do... get fucking ready..." he said it in his darker voice making me look up at him scared, he was going to do something stupid, and I just knew it from the look on his face.

He kissed me hard making me loose my breath before turning around leaving in a fast pace down the silent corridor when I watched him still blown away by his lips on my mouth, he was going to get himself killed and he was taking me down along the fall and I didn't even stop him. F**k he was so hard to love and still it was the easiest thing to do.

"We are so fucked aren't we Kira?" I looked down at her when she started to cry making me sigh and close the door, merry f*****g Christmas.