Fall For My Ex’s Mafia Dad
Chapter 90

I lay back on my bed for...way too long. Just laying there, frustrated, staring at the ceiling.

I am also exhausted - I know this by the fuzz that I feel in my brain, the lethargy taking control in my limbs, and my very slightly grumpy mood. It's been...one hell of a 48 hours, if I'm being honest with myself. From my very tense movie night with Daniel, to... everything yesterday, in the stables with Kent. And then last night, with Ivan? I groan, my head spinning to think that that all happened in such quick succession. And frankly, I haven't gotten much sleep throughout all of it - at least not the deep, peaceful sleep, alone in my cozy bed that I know my body is craving.

So I sigh, turning over and slipping under the covers, not even caring that I'm naked, intent on just getting some rest -

But when I do put down my head, curling up on my side and pillowing my cheek against my hand...

Sleep eludes me. God damn it, but I just can't stop thinking.

My eyes fly open and I purse my lips together, frustrated.

I've just got way too many unanswered questions on my mind. Sighing, I flop onto my back and stare at my old friend the ceiling again.

What the hell am I going to do?

Or, beyond that, who do I even like?

It feels like a ridiculously sophomoric question - who do I like - when I'm trying to decide between the heads of two serious crime organizations. But it also feels incredibly important that I answer that question - right now - or I am going to be in one hell of a situation very soon.

Because I know myself - I know that I can't juggle both of them, at least not for long. I don't think it's in me to be...what, polyamorous? Non-monogamous? Whatever the right term is, I know that I can't handle it. Even though my whole life I've been a no-man kind of girl, I know in my heart that if I am romantically involved with someone, I want to be a one-man kind of girl. One person to whom I can really dedicate my affections and who makes me feel safe. The question is: who is that? Kent? Or Ivan?

Or, frankly, someone else? The Prince Charming I've always wanted, but who I just haven't found yet?

And what about Daniel, who is offering me...well, not romance. But a solid, happy life with my best friend. Less tumultuous and confusing than what Kent and Ivan offered, for sure. Daniel is right - some people get together for passion and then are disappointed when it fades. Daniel and I could have a very happy life together. What was so wrong with that?

I groan, not wanting to make a choice, and certainly not wanting this many choices. But despite my recalcitrance, I find myself...thinking about these options, turning them all over again and again in my mind.

Kent, with his dark intensity and that anger deep within him that blows on some sort of coal within me, coaxing it to flame. Kent, who lifts me as easily as if I'm a kitten and pulls me hard against his body, making me feel safe and warm and wanted in his arms. Or at least I thought he wanted me, until he wouldn't look at me today...

I dismiss that, though - I knowing, deep down, that Kent wants me, which is an assurance I don't really have with Ivan. I have the proof of Kent's desire - I've seen him struggle against it for weeks, seen him write up that ridiculous contract in order to build walls between us, walls designed to keep him safe, not me. And a very large part of me wants to break those walls down, to see what I find behind them all. A little thrill runs through me at the idea of Kent loosed from all of the restrictions he places on himself. What would it be like to see him unbound. What would it be like to be with him, totally unleashed...

I blush, thinking of it, and then wonder - is that what I like about Kent? The challenge, more than Kent himself? I groan, feeling guilty, because frankly - it's the opposite with Ivan.

I like Ivan because - as far as I can tell - he gives me himself on a platter. There are no walls, no mystery - just his sincere, funny self. I smile when I think of him, which I don't do when I think of Kent - a smile that echoes the thousand times that Ivan has made me laugh so hard my face aches.

Isn't that, really, what one is looking for? That kind of connection?

And also, he's stupid hot...when I think about what we almost got to last night, about the way his skin felt under my hands, the fact that I could have, if I wanted to, pulled that shirt from his body and inspected the intricacies of those hidden tattoos, the forbidden parts of him...

I groan and turn over to bury my face in my pillow, muffling the sound. God, what was wrong with me? Because I really...really want to do that.

I sigh, my face still tucked away in the pillow, not knowing what to do, when suddenly...

It's as if a little Janeen-shaped devil lands on my shoulder, poking me angrily with her pitchfork. "Why the hell do you need to decide now?" she hisses angrily, putting her hands on her hips. "Neither of them have made you any promises! And you need more information to make this choice! Put yourself first!"

And I twist in my bed, away from my pillow, realizing that...she's right.

I don't need to decide now. I don't have all of the information. I don't even know what either of them are doing - both of them could have girls on the side. Or! I gasp to realize that I could be the girl on the side...

Both Ivan and Kent keep their secrets. I have no idea, really, what either of them are up to in the hours when we're not together.

Suddenly angry, I sit up straight, gathering my sheets to my chest in angry fists.

Imaginary Janeen is right. I need to put me first. I need to do what I want, explore my own feelings, and right now? That means investigating both of these connections more so that I can actually, really make a decision that works for me. And Kent - if he wants to treat me like an employee, like what's between us is just a job, like he did today? Then fine. It's time for me to get to work.

And suddenly I know exactly what I want to do next.

I move quickly, blow drying my hair out into soft waves and putting on just a little bit of makeup. I'm in a hurry, after all. Once that's finished, I reach for the white box that's been sitting on my vanity since I threw it there yesterday morning, when it was delivered with Daniel in the room.

Slowly, I untie the ribbon and pull the top off, biting my lip when I see...

A pretty, seashell-pink set of lingerie, panties and bra made of flimsy silk and lace netting, covered all over with little seed pearls in delicate patterns. As I slip the underwear over my bottom and clasp the bra behind my back I feel...just as pretty, and delicate, and incredibly sexy as this set of lingerie is.

Precisely, I'm sure, the way Kent wanted me to feel.

And then, taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I grab the little fur-lined robe that Kent sent me off of its hook and slip it lightly over my arms, not bothering to tie it. It won't stay tied long anyway, if my plan works the way I think it will. Then, clutching the robe closed, I hurry down the steps, forcing myself not to look around and check the hall to make sure nobody sees me.

If they see me, they see me. I'm not ashamed.

This new self-assurance is tested, a little, a moment later when I reach the landing of the stairs and Kent's office door opens, Marco and Gianni coming out, their faces concerned. Marco glances at me and keeps going, pretending that he didn't see me, but Gianni falters in his steps, a little bit shocked. I take a deep breath and look at him evenly for a moment, but then I move past him.

It's not his job, after all, to judge me.

And I have a job to do.

Luckily, they left Kent's office door open when they left. I walk to the entrance and lean myself against the door frame, peering into the room and watching Kent stand at his desk, looking at his papers.

He's so damn tall, and the way his shoulders fill out that suitcoat...god damn it, but I feel myself starting to ache for him already, deep in my core.

I lift my hand and knock gently at the door with one finger, just a light little rap.

Kent's head instantly spins to me, surprised.

And then I let my robe fall to the floor.

"Well?" I say, standing before him in nothing but the underwear he sent to my room, that he picked out just for me. "I'm ready for my shift to begin, whenever you are."