Heartprints in the Void
⊰ 29 ⊱ Yearning in Pink

I slump back in my seat, exhaling deeply as I turn off the engine. Gazing up at Cade's house, I wonder how long my anxiety will keep me trapped in this car before I muster the courage to approach his front door. *What if I start crying when I see her?*

...

*Or worse...what if I throw up?*

The fear is paralyzing, and I have to fight to keep my thoughts from spiraling. I know that if I allow myself to sit here, drowning in my worries a minute longer, I'll never get out of this car.

Shaking my head, I grab my keys and phone, popping the door open with a resolve I'm not sure I truly feel. My heart pounds against my ribs, my steps coming short as I approach the front door. Before I can even ring the bell, the door swings open, revealing a very casually dressed Cade with a small smile on his lips.

"Come in," he invites, pulling the door back. I step inside reluctantly, my mind at war with conflicting emotions as he shuts the door behind me.

"How was work today?" he asks, coming to my side as I place my keys on the coffee table.

"Fine," I mutter, my voice barely above a whisper. I follow closely behind him, my steps heavy as we ascend the stairs.

He's been on PTO since Wednesday. While the rest of the team thinks he's out on vacation, he's actually been preparing for his daughter's arrival. He told me she was supposed to arrive Thursday evening, but there was a really bad storm last night, so they dropped her off this morning instead.

Well, she dropped her off. Her mother. The woman who gave him a child.

I can't even begin to imagine how Cade must've felt, standing there with their attorneys, trying to keep things civil as he welcomed his daughter home.

*How does he feel now?*

The question lingers, unanswered.

As we ascend the stairs, my anxiety swells, a rising tide threatening to pull me under. I try to convince myself it's excitement, but deep down, I know it's something else entirely.

I'm terrified. Terrified that meeting her will shatter the idyllic future I've painted in my mind. Terrified that I'll look into her eyes and feel...nothing. Or worse, that I'll resent her. That I'll resent them both for the life they've created without me. Cade stops abruptly in front of the bedroom right across his, turning to face me. I halt a few feet away, not realizing I'm holding my breath.

"Are you alright?" He asks, eyeing me. And just as I part my lips to respond, he says, his voice soft, "Elysian, you don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"I want to," I insist, but the words feel hollow, uncertain.

It's not for the reasons he might think though. I'm not afraid of *wanting to be part of his life. I'm afraid of *not* wanting it at all. I have this picture perfect image of our life together and I'm terrified of it being ripped from me. "I'm nervous," I confess, my hands fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

It's funny. I had spent the last hour before driving here so worried about something so superficial as wearing the right outfit that I hadn't stopped to think about what I should say to her or what I should do.

I sigh softly, my gaze faltering momentarily. "She's your daughter, Cade. It's like I'm meeting your family for the first time all over again."

*She's a baby...babies are not hard to make like you.*

...

*Most of the time.*

His eyes soften, a gentle understanding flashing in them as he reaches to touch my shoulder. "Thank you for being here," he murmurs, stepping back to motion me into the room.

I inhale a shaky breath, steeling myself.

*Here goes nothing.*

Stepping into the pastel pink room, my gaze remains fixed on the plush carpet, too afraid to look up. I slip off my sneakers by the shoe rack, my sock-clad feet sinking into the soft fibers beneath me. "Elysian, this is Naomi," Cade's voice breaks through my reverie. My eyes snap up to find him lifting her from her crib, *Cocomelon* playing on the TV behind them.

My heart stutters as she smiles, spitting out her pacifier with a sweet giggle. "Da-da! Da-da!" she cries, nuzzling into him.

*She is so precious. So utterly, heartbreakingly precious.*

Warmth blooms in my chest, my lips curving into a smile as Cade approaches with her in his arms.

"Naomi, this is Elysian. Say hi, baby girl," he coos, turning her to face me.

*He called her baby girl...*

The endearment pierces my heart, a bittersweet ache. For a moment, she studies me, her bright blue eyes wide and curious. I hold my breath, waiting. Then, she beams, waving her tiny hand. "Hi!" she chirps. *Oh, my God. I can't. She is too perfect.*

"Oh, hello,” I manage, waving back, utterly enchanted by this miniature version of the man I love.

Suddenly, she's leaning towards me, her little arms outstretched. Instinctively, I look to Cade, my own arms rising to meet her. He places her gently in my embrace, her legs straddling my waist as she sits up, still examining me with those inquisitive eyes.

A tiny finger reaches out, brushing the rim of my glasses. "With any luck, you won't have to wear these," I tease softly, capturing her hand in mine, marveling at the delicate skin.

*Now, I want a baby.*

It's been years since I've had baby fever, and with Naomi in my arms, it's surreal. I can't fight it. Just like that, I'm lost. Lost to the fierce, protective love swelling in my chest. *How could anyone give you up?*

I'm suddenly at a loss, wondering how someone would have given her up without fighting with every fiber of their being to keep her close.

As if sensing my thoughts, Naomi nestles into me, her head reading on my shoulder, her breath a contented sigh. She watches the TV, her eyelids growing heavy, fluttering closed despite her valiant efforts to stay awake. *She's so innocent. I'm gonna cry.*

Rocking her gently, I sway until sleep claims her. When I look up, Cade is leaning against the wall, hands tucked in his pockets, watching us with an inscrutable expression.

*Why is he looking at me like that?*

After a moment, he pushes off the wall, moving towards us. "I'll put her in bed," he whispers, carefully extracting her from my arms. She fusses briefly, but settles as he shushes her, placing the pacifier back in her rosebud mouth.

With infinite tenderness, he lays her in her crib, pulling the blanket over her tiny form before clicking the TV off. Then, his hand finds the small of my back, guiding me out of the room. I grab my sneakers, holding them at my side as we cross the hall to his bedroom.

"She's so sweet," I murmur, my heart full to bursting.

Cade glances at me, a teasing glint in his eye. "See? You had nothing to worry about."

*But that's the problem, isn't it?*

Now I want this, want him, more than ever.

I duck my head, following him into the bedroom, the click of the door closing behind us echoing in the charged silence.

"Please, make yourself comfortable," he offers, striding past me into the bathroom. He flips the light on, tugging his shirt over his head and hanging it on the towel rack.

I try not to stare as he turns to the sink, splashing water on his face, but it's a losing battle. My graze trails over his muscular back, down to the tantalizing V disappearing into his sweatpants.

*Fuck.*

I draw my lip between my teeth in my desperate attempt to distract myself, busying myself with setting my shoes by the door. With trembling fingers, I pull my hair up into a ponytail, securing it with the blue scrunchie from my wrist. When I turn back, Cade is standing at the foot of the bed, that same inscrutable look in his eyes.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" I ask, my voice shakier than I'd like.

A smirk tugs at his lips. "Looking at you like that?"

*Like you want to bend me over and...*

*No! Stop it.*

I'm conflicted, and I convince myself that if I deny it to myself, it isn't true.

I cross my arms, hugging myself, shrugging with a nonchalance I don't feel. "I don't know."

A humorless chuckle emits from the back of his throat as he suddenly stalks towards me, his steps measured, predatory. I back away instinctively, my spine hitting the door, my breath catching in my throat as he crowds into my space. His hands come up, bracketing my head, his palms flat against the wood. He leans in, his minty breath ghosting over my face, his eyes dark and dangerous.

"What did I say about lying to me, Elysian?" he growls, his voice a low rumble that sets my blood on fire.

My pulse kicks into overdrive, my skin prickling. I'm trapped, caught between his hard body and the unyielding door, my defenses crumbling under the heat of his gaze.

In this moment, I know with a terrifying certainty that I'm lost. Lost to him, to *this*, to the inescapable truth of my love and my desire for him.

*So why do I keep fighting it?*

...

*Give in. Just give in.*