Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty (Festive Flames)
Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty: Chapter 19

“You slept with him?” Amelia’s voice carries across the stands to some nearby unsuspecting parents who lift their heads, curious. Those who didn’t pay us any attention were intently watching our little darlings dance their way through the last dress rehearsal of their Nativity show. Emma, bless her heart, was a sudden shepherd stand-in and mostly looked adorably confused.

I clutch her arm and duck my head slightly. “Yell it a little louder, why don’t you!”

“I’m sorry.” Amelia glances around the dark hall, then fixes her stare on me. “But Lily, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Slumping down in the hard plastic chair, I sigh deeply. “It was storming outside, and the bakery was so warm and he was just there looking so good, sounding so sad about his father, and I just… I don’t know. We’re surrounded by emotionally unavailable men and then he was there, pouring his heart out to me, and I felt so bad for him.”

“So you fucked him to make him feel better?” Amelia snorts.

“No!” I slap her arm. “It wasn’t like that at all!” How do I explain what it was like when I’m not even sure myself? Sleeping with James has brought up far too many unexpected emotions that I don’t know how to work through. Amelia is supposed to be my voice of reason once she gets over the shock.

She lifts her brow and looks me over, waiting.

“I just… hearing how much pain he was in, the way his voice would shake and everything, yes, I did want to comfort him, but then he was telling me how I made him feel all those years ago. How I was the only one who saw him, and he just had to see me again, and my heart melted.”

“And you fell for it?”

“I don’t think it was a line, Amelia,” I scold sharply. “He tracked me down and moved out here, got a job and everything. That’s an insane amount of dedication just to fuck an old flame, don’t you think?”

Amelia finally nods. “Okay, when you put it like that, it does sound more serious. But honey, and I say this from a place of love, he broke your heart.”

“I know.”

“He up and went back home, refused to take your calls, and had his mother basically tell you to fuck off. Have you spoken about any of that?”

“No,” I admit sheepishly. “There’s never been the right time.”

“Well, make sure you do before he fucks you again, or things will never be right again.”

I groan softly. Amelia’s right. I’ve been caught up in feelings and actions without doing the important thinking. It’s just so difficult because he makes me feel so safe and wanted that everything else comes easily.

Amelia’s hand lands on my leg as the next carol hymn bursts from the children. “So, how was it?”

I glance up at her to see a cheeky smile on her face, and a similar one breaks out on my own. “Amazing.”

“Really?”

“Mmmhmm. His touch certainly hasn’t changed, and he remembered all the things I liked. I didn’t even care when the power went out because everything was just so… blissful. He took good care of me first and then fucked me so hard my legs were numb.”

“What a gentleman.”

“Exactly. And then we cuddled and everything just felt right.”

“Okay.” Amelia drums her fingers against my leg, then she swivels in her seat to face me fully. “If you’re intent on this path, we should talk about it.”

“I don’t know if I’m intent on anything.”

“Well, are you going to avoid him for the rest of your life?”

“No.”

“Then you need to think about things. The most glaring being⁠—”

“Emma,” I finish for her. “I know. I… I tried so hard to get in touch with him, but his mother was clear, and the things she said to me…” I shake my head as coldness seeps through my stomach. I have no desire to recall that last awful conversation.

If I’d done what she’d asked of me, my life would have taken a very different path.

“But…?” Amelia prompts when my silence drags on.

“But I haven’t heard it from James himself. And I think that would be what I need. Because I think I’m still in love with him. I think I never stopped, and it was just buried so deep down there because how could I not love him?”

“And he’s the father of your child,” Amelia agrees, glancing at the stage as the kids hurry to change scenes. “That will always leave a mark.”

“And it will be the most important thing because regardless of what I feel or what I want, how he reacts to her is the deal breaker.”

“Will you tell him the truth?” Amelia asks softly.

I shrug. “I have no idea. It’s hard to keep this a secret from Emma, but I don’t want to show her a father who wants nothing to do with her. And if I tell him, then the cat is out of the bag, and I will have to.”

“But telling him will show you where his intentions lie,” Amelia says. “Either he steps up and does everything he can to make it up to Emma and you, or he doubles down and you will know he is a worthless piece of shit.”

“You know… not once has he asked me,” I reply softly. “Not once has he asked me what I did with the baby. If he was smart enough, he would have calculated back.”

“Maybe he forgot,” Amelia mutters. “You know what men are like, and seven years is a long time to forget you got some random girl pregnant.”

“Maybe.” I’m not some random girl, though. I’m the woman he crossed the country just to be near because he couldn’t breathe in his grief. There’s something about this puzzle that isn’t quite slotting together, but I’ve wasted enough time playing the guessing game over James. Amelia is right.

If my feelings mean anything to him and if my future has any chance of being bright, then I have to tell him the truth. His reaction will be the only answer I need.

“I’m scared, though.” I sigh, watching Emma stride across the stage and stomp her cane on the stage. “Because what I feel is so easy. I like him. A lot. And I don’t want to lose that, but I don’t want to be fooled again, y’know? I felt like this back then and he left. I don’t want to feel like this now if he’s just going to reveal himself to be an asshole.”

“It’s always better to see his true colors,” Amelia reminds me. “No matter how much it hurts, at least it will be you hurting and not Emma.”

Amelia’s words were oddly clarifying. Emma knows nothing, and I will keep it that way for as long as I can. At least she will be free from pain if James turns out to be committed to his abandonment and wants nothing to do with her.

She catches my eye from the stage, and her words stumble as she eagerly waves at me, drawing a few soft laughs from other parents. I wave back and smile widely until she gets back into character and continues.

“You’re right,” I sigh softly. “Of course you are. Feelings just make it all the more confusing.”

“I am a bit of a guru.” Amelia chuckles. “It comes from seeing countless parental disputes each time these supposed adults come to collect their kids.”

“Ahh, the joys,” I say.

“So, you’re decided? Talk to him first? Tell him the truth?”

I nod, tension working its way through my chest like a squeezing band. “It’s for the best. The only option, really. Because if this continues, then everything else will just add to the hurt. I have to think about Emma.”

“And if it falls through, I know it will hurt you, honey, but I’ll be here to help you pick up the pieces.”

“Thank you.” I pat Amelia’s hand and then stand. “I gotta pee.”

“Hurry back!” Amelia laughs. “You don’t want to miss the arrival of the star.”

Walking the halls of the school this late at night is a little alarming. The classrooms are dark and silent, the halls seem to stretch infinitely in either direction, and there’s a chill in the air that’s impossible to shake. I hurry down the hall toward the bathroom and quickly do my business, eager to get back to the hall.

I can’t get James out of my head, though. As I wash my hands, I stare at the now faint love bites he left on my neck. If I close my eyes, I can immediately feel his warmth pressed against me. It’s selfish, I know, but I don’t want to lose that. I want to call him up and fall into his arms just one more time.

But I’m a parent. I don’t get to be selfish anymore.

Drying my hands, I step out of the bathroom and squeal as a hand comes out of the nearby shadows.

“What the fuck?” Slapping the hand away, I make it two steps before another hand grabs me in between deep laughter.

“Lily, calm down! It’s me! It’s Mark!”

“Oh.” Oddly, that doesn’t make me feel at ease. I turn to face him and my heart sinks slightly. His smile is oddly toothy and as his hand slides down my arm, I’m reminded of how oddly dry they are. “Do you usually skulk around outside the ladies’ bathroom?”

“I saw you walking and tried to catch up, but you went in there,” Mark explains, jerking his head toward the bathroom. “I didn’t know the right place to wait for you after that.”

“Ah. I suppose there isn’t one. But waiting around a dark corner? Definitely not it,” I scold slightly, then I start walking down the corridor. Mark falls into step beside me with a wide smile.

“Noted. Next time, I’ll join you.” His elbow knocks against mine, and a curl of disgust rises in my gut.

“Maybe not,” I say, laughing awkwardly. “Anyway, why were you looking for me? School related?”

“I’m not all about work,” Mark says, shaking his head. “I wanted to see you, to talk to you.”

I find myself picking up the pace, not wanting to be caught up in some awkward conversation with no way out. The sounds of the Nativity rehearsal rise up from behind the wooden doors to the gym and I beeline toward them. Mark easily keeps pace.

“About what? If it’s cake-related, you’ll need to come to the store because I don’t think I’ll remember anything tonight.”

“No, it’s not that. Lily.” James catches my arm lightly, drawing me to a stop. “I want to ask you something.”

Easing myself out of his grip, I force a bright smile. “Ask away!”

“I was so sorry to hear about what happened at the bakery. Imagine breaking in and doing all of that damage and not even stealing anything.”

“I know,” I sigh. “It was terrible, but luckily, I had a friend to help.”

Mark’s mouth twitches.

“Wait—how did you know nothing was stolen?”

“It’s the talk of the town,” Mark says quickly. “I stopped by that day to help you, did you hear?”

“I did. Thanks for that.” My mind runs. I hadn’t told anyone what was stolen—or rather, what wasn’t. Maybe my parents had mentioned it? Odd.

“Anyway, that’s sort of related to what I wanted to ask you.”

“Oh?”

“That man, Jason, is it?”

“James.”

“Oh. Right. Whatever. Anyway, I know he helped you out at the auction, but it’s not serious between the two of you, is it? Because I remember you saying you weren’t really up for dating.”

My heart sinks as it clicks where this is going.

“So, what do you say?” Mark grins and leans close. “Come on a date with me, a real date, and I’ll show you exactly how you deserve to be treated.”