Indebted to the Mafia King
Drowning in Sorrow

Tony

I can't force myself to answer Chloe. I've been struggling to keep a stoic facade ever since she arrived here. I knew bringing her back was a mistake from the moment Armando suggested it to me, but he was right when he said I couldn't ask what she knew over the phone. Despite spending hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to keep the inner communication of the Saints untraceable, I still don't trust that someone might not be able to hack into our phones and listen to what Chloe had to say.

In the end, she didn't give me much information, but it seemed enough for Cal and my men to start digging. Anything that will help me get closer to Mateo at this point is already a win.

A part of me also wanted to see her, to make sure she was alright, to make sure she was taking care of herself while being away from me. But the moment she crossed that door, the moment her sweet scent hit me, I knew I made a mistake. I couldn't look at her, otherwise I wouldn't trust myself enough not to get close to her.

Then Cal made fun of me and I had to silently tell him to leave if he didn't want me to give him a punch in the face. I could tell she was mad at me from a mile away. By the way we left things, there was no way she doesn't hate me right now. And at last, I made the biggest mistake of the night by looking at her. I had done a great job until then. But when she suggested I want to keep my distance from her, my eyes automatically diverted to her beautiful face, her intoxicating eyes searching for an answer on my face.

An answer I can't give her.

Because the truth is, if I tell her how I really feel, I won't let her go ever again. And right now, this is counterproductive. I need her to be safe so I can carry on with my plan to get Mateo once and for all.

The expression of pain and sadness that crosses her face when I don't answer breaks my heart. I have to bite my tongue as strongly as possible so as not to give in under her intense gaze.

Fuck, I miss her. How I miss running my fingers through her hair, her smooth skin, her lips... It physically hurts to be in the same room as her and not be able to touch her.

Chloe clears her throat, clearly uncomfortable standing here without receiving an answer she so desperately wants.

"Well, I know my opinion doesn't matter to you, but if you allow me to give you advice, don't go after the cartel. I know I've said this before, and I know I'm the one who asked you for your help, but Mateo won't play nice. It's not worth risking your men over this."

I sigh, rubbing my hands through my face frustratedly. "I have to, Chloe. You know that. He started this. This needs to end." "Your men will die because of me, Tony. I can't carry this guilt," she counters, pleading with me with her eyes and soft voice.

I stride across the room, stopping a few inches away from her. Her intoxicating scent inebriates me momentarily and I need to close my eyes to gather my bearings for a moment. When I open them, Chloe is looking at me with flushed cheeks, breathing erratically. It always drives me to insanity, but I manage to keep myself together. More importantly, to keep my hands to myself.

"None of this is because of you. Mateo should have thought better before coming after my wife," I say to her, my voice barely above a whisper. My body is aching, begging for me to take another step forward and take her into my arms and claim her in this dirty, dingy room. It's not what she deserves, but I wouldn't mind doing it if it meant I could feel her one more time.

I bite my tongue. "The driver is waiting for you downstairs. Have a great flight, Chloe," I hiss instead, cursing myself inwardly.

She stares at me for a few seconds in utter silence, her eyes blinking so rapidly I wonder if she's about to cry. I know that the moment I see a tear in her beautiful eyes, I will break. That's why I look away, diverting my gaze to the dirty, small window in the corner of the room.

I hear her huffing, then the door opening and closing behind her, and only after she leaves do I loose a breath I didn't even know I was holding. My entire body aches from her absence already, and my head is pounding like hell.

I walk toward the bed, sinking at the edge, the thin mattress ceding under my weight, the structure creaking loudly. I rest my head in my hands, my elbows propped on my knees as I allow myself to sulk.

As much as I hate to admit it, now I understand what Dante must have gone through with Eleni in the past. Maybe I should have been easier on him back then. I couldn't understand what he was feeling, but now everything is so much clearer to me. I get it now. I get why he went through all of that because of her.

I can't think of doing anything differently with Chloe now. Sure, I hate that I have to make her suffer, that I have to push her away to keep her safe. But knowing she is alive gives me the strength I need to fight. To know I have a home to return to, that I have her and Ellie waiting for me, is all I can ask for. All I can grab onto.

I can only hope she will be there when all of this is over. Only pray she can understand my methods and reasons. That me constantly hurting her won't push her away for good.

I don't know how long I stay like this, but when I finally leave the hotel, I'm in a desperate need of a drink. I can't go back to an empty house sober. There is no fucking way.

Chloe's smell is everywhere around the house, even though it's been days since she left. My sheets still smell like her, and I had to fucking change it so I didn't lose my mind completely. I just need to drown myself in alcohol tonight so I can get home and collapse in my bed without thinking about her.

Aphrodite's Lounge is the only place that comes to mind, so I get inside my car and drive there, finding my usual booth empty, inviting and waiting for me. A glass of whiskey is in my hands before I sit down. I gulp it down immediately, receiving a doubtful look from the waitress. But she tells me she'll get me another as quickly as possible, and I nod absently at her, leaning back in my seat and focusing on another faceless dancer twisting around the pole.

I don't recognize her, nor do I try to. None of this does anything for me anymore. All I can think of is Chloe's face, and I curse myself for being here while I should be in her arms instead. I just wanted to be at home, putting Ellie to sleep and then going to bed with Chloe, talking about trivial things and just being with her.

This is exactly the kind of life I promised myself I'd never have, but right now it's the only life I can think of having. It is the only one that makes sense in my head.

After four drams, I order the waitress to just leave the bottle on my table to save her the trouble of coming and serving me every five minutes. By that time, I am already dizzy as hell and pondering the stupidest things in my head. My hands are itching to call Chloe and apologize for being an asshole. The pained look on her face is still imprinted in my brain as if I'm seeing her in front of me still. I hate myself for being the reason she is so upset. But I can't call her.

I can't be this weak.

I grab my phone from my pocket, struggling to unlock the screen. Good God, I must look pathetic right now. I can't fucking hold my phone in my hand after drinking...what, half a bottle of whiskey? What is wrong with me?

My finger hovers over Chloe's name. She might still be on the flight. I doubt her phone is on, but even if it is, I have to convince myself I can't call her.

So, instead, I decide to call Armando and hope he can save me from embarrassing myself any further.

"Yes, Boss?" he answers on the first ring.

"Can you come and pick me up?" I ask, my voice dragging. "My car is parked outside. There's just no fucking way I can drive right now."

I think I hear a chuckle on the other side, or maybe he just cursed me, but Armando answers me right after, not giving me time to think about it. "Sure thing, Boss. Same place as usual?"

"You know it is," I reply, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. I feel exhausted. "Just don't make a fuss about it."

This time he really laughs. In fact, he cackles so loud that I grimace.

"Yeah, right... I'll be right there, Boss. Don't do anything stupid."

I already did, I want to tell him.

I fell in love. And I might also have lost her before even having her.