Saved By The Firefighter
Chapter 74

Joanne's point of view.

Oh, my word, finally it is Sunday, and I wake with a mixture of excitement and shear terror. Tonight, is the night, but as it is just 6 am I have a long day ahead of me, so I decide to prepare, which means I will probably be ready hours-and-hours before I need to be. I pull out a couple of my outfit choices for tonight, hanging them outside my wardrobe door, not sure which one to wear. One, is bright red, form fitting, where I will need the t*****e knickers again, the other, a deep V-necked dress, empire line, pale blue, with small white flowers, which means I can wear the little sexy pair of satin knickers I bought, you know, just in case.

I walk into my bathroom, sitting down on the toilet seat, looking at the instructions on the hair removal cream, yes, I have decided to brave the bare bush look, but after so many years of no action, my lady garden is more like Sherwood Forest, only there has been no merry men anywhere near it, not for a long, long, time. I apply the cream, then put some on my legs and underarms, I tell 'Alexa' to 'set timer for ten minutes, whilst I sit on the toilet seat, so as not to get the hair removal cream all over my sofa, or bed. Hey, it is a cunning plan, and according to the internet a game changer for hair removal problems. Picking up my phone, I open my eBook app, may as well get into the mood with a little bit of naughty, and if I remember rightly, today is the day the werewolf love interests, will seal the deal, in a tepee in the middle of the Montseny forest. I am hoping this chapter is as good as I have thought it will be in my mind, I cannot deny, I have looked forward to it.

I read away, a smirk on my face, as I replace the male lead with whip-me, and imagine myself as the female lead.

Ohhh yeahhh, now I am seriously in need of some action after reading that, I am not sure if I am having another hot sweat, or if I am just that horny!

I browse through my phone, looking at different funny videos, tapping my toes on the floor, wondering when the ten-minute timer will eventually go off. I laugh at a chat show segment, before flicking to the next one. Maybe my timer is close enough, so I can get in the shower, and have this process finished.

"Alexa, how long is left on my timer?"

"There are 3 minutes left on your 30-minute timer."

What the actual f**k! This cream has been on me treble the amount of time it should.

"Alexa, you stupid b***h," I scream, only she doesn't respond, just the blue circle spins round, as if to say, hey you set the time love.

I jump off the toilet, turning the shower on, and stand under, desperately scrubbing off the cream, and hairs. Then the water starts to slop over the tray, the plug hole clearly blocked by my overgrown foliage.

s**t.

Stinking of hair removal cream, which is not the nicest smell in the world, I lather up lots of lavender shower gel, then give my fresh no hair area a good scrub, when suddenly it begins to burn, like seriously burn.

s**t, I remove the head of the shower, turning it to as cold as I can get it, and concentrate the spray to my now burning, pubic area. Although it cools it somewhat, when I look down, my flaming hot fanny, (not in a good way, I assure you) is red raw, little spots appearing all over it, and it hurts like hell.

I get the remainder of the cream off my legs, and under arms, and the patch of dark hair that grows on my big toe, since the menopause hit, praying my legs are not covered in the same rash as my flaming hot fanny is.

"Oh God, what a loser," I cry out to myself, as I step out of the shower, then run to my bedroom, and grab some calamine lotion I have lying around, that is probably ten years out of date, and apply liberally to try and get some relief.

I hear the door downstairs unlock and open, as Ben's voice echoes up the stairs.

"Hi Mam, are you up?" he asks.

I pull my dressing gown around my body, then precede to walk down the stairs, like I had ridden a bull for ten hours straight, my underarms still stinging from the brush of my dressing gown, so move my arms outward, like I am doing an impression of the incredible hulk.

"Hey, how was your shift?" I ask, as Ben grabs the kettle and fills it.

"Yeah, no shouts thank god, and the police have someone in for questioning regarding the arson attacks." He nods at me.

"Mam, sit down a moment." Ben smiles at me, his face suddenly serious.

Just the idea of sitting down on my burning bottom, has me shaking my head, with a firm NO.

"Would rather not, if you don't mind," I tell him.

Ben raises his eyebrow, as if I am the child and he is the parent, and I let out a small huff, like the child he is treating me as, and very carefully sit down.

"Ouch," I say as my arse hits the chair.

"What's wrong?" Ben asks, his face now a mask of concern.

"You don't want to know," I tell him.

"I clearly do, because you look in pain," Ben tells me, giving me a Paddington hard stare.

I feel my cheeks heat, as I look down at the table, there are some things normal parents do not share with their kids, but I am not now, nor ever have been, normal.

"Small accident with hair removal cream. May have burnt my bits and bobs," I state, grimacing.

"f**k sake mother." Ben shakes his head, looking at me.

"Well, I suppose I am not entirely sad that area is in pain. Which leads me nicely to my next point," He tells me... seriously, I AM THE MOTHER not HIM. But I sit and dutifully listen.

"The boss is a good bloke, but I want you to be careful, because you never truly know someone. Please have fun but watch what you are doing. Also, Haley, who I was on the show with, she runs a woman's self-defence class, I have booked you, Lucy, and Josie in at 9 am. Just so, you know, if anyone does something you don't want or like, you are able to kick the s**t out of the fucker." Ben shrugs, as if his reaction to me dating his boss is completely normal.

"Seriously Ben?" I laugh at him.

Ben takes a sip of his tea, nodding his head. "After what that last fucker did, you can bet your last penny I am." He shrugs.

"But knowing self-defence would not have stopped him being a lying arsehole with a whole other secret family," I state.

"No, but you hear of all sorts of things that go on with people you would never guess were like that. Plus, when the dark nights come in, it is always good to know how to defend yourself. Now it is just after 7am, I am going home to give Lucy a kiss, and grab some shut eye. Josie will pick you up at half eight," Ben states, before standing up and rinsing out his cup.

"But I am injured," I whine, hoping for a sympathy vote. But it is no use, he ignores me, and if doing a self-defence class or two helps put his mind at rest, then who am I to argue?

Currently I am laid prone on the floor, as Josie has my hand up my back, as I shout out in pain, not only from my earlier 'accident' with a bottle of hair removal cream, but because this feels like my arm will break.

"Great, well done, Josie. Now Joanne, your turn." Haley smiles at me.

Haley shows the move I need to perfect again on Lucy, then nods at me to try.

As Josie, goes to throw a punch, I grab her arm, hook my leg around hers, whilst twisting it up her back and sending her to the floor, arm up her back.

"Well done, Joanne, you are a natural," Haley praises.

I want to feel proud of myself, but in all seriousness, all I want is to go home, and have another cold shower, before Josie comes over to help me get ready, because my burning bits now feel like they have gone a little crusty.

"Okay, that is all for today ladies, next week, you will face a male attacker, none other than my other half, Stan the Man." Haley smiles, gesturing to the dark-haired man in the corner that is currently eating a bacon and egg sandwich as if he had never had food in his life, as the yoke drips down his top.

We say out goodbyes, as Josie drops Lucy off first, Kirstie and Dante greeting her at the door, smiling and waving at me.

I give them a wave, wishing I had brought some sweets with me, because, well, they deserve a treat, and I kind of feel like their adopted nana, and that is what nana's do, spoil their grandkids.

As we pull away, Josie grins at me.

"So, are you excited about tonight?" she asks with a smirk on her face.

"I was, now not so much." I sigh out.

"Why, what's happened?" she asks me.

"I kind of left the hair removal cream on, you know, down there," I point to my nether regions, "three times longer than I should have, then in a bid to get it off quickly, I used loads of shower gel." I sighed.

"Oh s**t, no, you don't use anything, just water. That must hurt like a b***h," Josie shouted out with a grimace as if imagining it.

"Just a bit, but worse than that, it now looks like I have some nasty disease down there and is bright red with small scabbed over spots." I sigh.

"Yeah, not good, guess whip-me is going to have to keep it in his pants tonight after all." Josie giggled.

"I bought new nice knickers as well." I shrugged, as Josie laughed.

"Better get the cotton granny pants out, because you are going to be sore for days." Josie laughed.

"Just my sodding luck." I sigh.

"Hey, I will be over at around five, to do your hair and make-up, even if he cannot get any, may as well make him really want to, in the future." Josie laughs out.

"I mean, I wasn't really planning on doing anything, it was just in case. I have been out of the game so long; I do not know the rules for this anymore." I shrugged.

"Hey, there are no rules, you do you, he likes you as you are, so no more stressing, and I will see you at five."

I wave Josie off, as I walk like an ape to the front door, then head to the shower again in order to cool off my burning bits again, then wonder not for the first time in my life. Why the hell can I not be, ... you know,... NORMAL?