Shackled (The Lord Series) by Carlos
225. Olivia - Embracing I

Rueben kissing me shocks me to the core. I would have expected anything from him from yanking all the flesh from my bones with hot pliers to cutting me into tiny pieces and feeding me to his dog or something like that. But kissing me? When he hates me with all his being? Makes no sense.

"Why did you kiss me?"

It's a stupid question but I never claimed to be smart.

Rueben drags his thumb over my bottom lip. "I had to know if you are indeed our soulmate."

Their soulmate. Their. Soulmate. Surely, my fate can't be this cruel. Because I don't want to be with them. With any of them. And especially not with Rueben or Tyson. But when did I ever have a say in anything? Maybe that was the problem all along, that I never had a voice.

"I'm not." For once in my life, I decide for myself.

Rueben frowns. "Yeah, that would be for the best," he says before kissing me again. I try to turn my face away from him but he grabs me by my hair and...devours my lips with his. My palms come to rest on his shoulders, strong muscles flexing with each of his movements. "Fuck, you little Sluttty Nun," he groans against my lips before sucking my bottom lip. "I'm royally fucked, but if I fall, you fall with me."

I want to fall but who will catch me? Because I don't trust any of them to catch me. Maybe it's time I start to trust my instincts. But where do I even begin?

Tyson returns to the office just as Rueben shoves his tongue in my mouth. I bite Rueben's tongue, making him hiss.

"The bathtub is ready," Tyson says.

Despite wanting to hide under the blanket a little longer, it is time to face the world again. At least Ansel, Jasper, and Mose. Crying and hiding won't solve anything. Crying has never solved anything. If anything, it has made things even worse. And frankly, I don't think I have any more tears left. The past few days, I spent mourning mourning what my life could have been if I had never tried to answer the question, "Do hellstars have powers?"

That question ruined my life and destroyed the one good thing I had in my life-*his* love for me. I still can't make myself say *his* name in my head, maybe because in my heart, I buried *him* a long time ago.

It is better this way. Maybe our love was never meant to be. For a long time, I wanted someone to love me, to see me. I thought he was the one. But Camila was right all along. I have to love myself first before I can expect others to love me. But can I love myself when all my life I was told I'm worth nothing? When I was beaten into submission? When fear is all I've known for years?

Rueben relentlessly continues to kiss me. It feels like he's claiming me. A week ago I would have accepted any scraps of love thrown at me, but something that Tyson said struck a nerve.

*I don't like the person I've turned into.*

I can even hear Camila ask, *And what are you gonna do about it?*

Yes, what am I going to do about it?

I'm done waiting for others to see or want me.

I slowly get up from Rueben's lap. The lack of food and water makes me dizzy and my legs tremble. Tyson rushes to me.

"I can do this on my own."

Or at least, I have to try. And if I fall, I'll get up. On my own.

Tyson stands by my side as I take one step after another. "I prepared the bathtub in Jasper's room," he tells me. "Since most of your clothes are there, I thought it was the most logical option," he quickly adds when I keep quiet. Rueben stands from the sofa bed and follows Tyson and me. I walk slowly, not wanting to fall.

All this time, I thought I was alone, but Camila's presence has always been with me. And not only her presence.

When I'm in the bathroom, I turn to face them. "I need to do this on my own."

They nod, and I close the door and lock it.

“Olivia, don't lock the fucking door," Tyson growls and tries to open the doorknob.

"Don't worry, I won't do anything reckless," I say as I take off the shirt I'm wearing and get inside the bathtub. I lay inside it until the water turns cold, thinking of the past, the present, and the future, if I have a future.

All my life, I was told what to do. If I rebelled, I was punished. It was more than a punishment; I was beaten into submission and now I don't know how to take the lead of my life. Because it is clear to me now that Rueben won't kill me anymore and if I have to live, I can't continue as I am. I need to stand on my own two feet. How will I do that? I have no clue. But I have to start somewhere.

When I'm shivering, I get out of the bathtub, wrap a towel around me, and look in the mirror. I look like shit. My cheeks are hollow and my hair is lifeless. Oh, and my eyes are red and puffy.