The Secret Island
CHAPTER 64: On Her Table

Martin was truly dumbfounded. He didn't know what to say. He loved her too much that he didn't dare to challenge her or contradict her in any way. Still, he couldn't help thinking that our relationship was rather strange... From his basic understanding of dating, he understood his role as a man and someone who initiated the courtship (he didn't know how to make it sounds more 'modernized') to be the one doing everything in his power to pursue the woman of his desire. Shouldn't he be the one buying gift, giving her his time, doing everything to please her, and everything she asks is his command? He was the one pursuing her after all, but recently he found himself being taken care of by Celine. She didn't want his gift. It was she who surprised him with a gift. What was this all about? He wondered what she truly wanted. Was there something more that he didn't realize? He had never had anyone care for him like that before. She helped him back to his room in such an embarrassing drunken stage, and today she just bought him a gift. That was a bit too much. He was really curious... what was it that she truly wanted? Was there any hidden agenda? He wasn't someone who let curiosity eat away too much of his headspace, and Martin asked the question after a few days of pondering. In the next few days, that day, he went inside Celine's room and read a book. He asked the question that had been on his mind.

"Celine, why haven't you allowed me to buy you anything or treat you like a normal date? Do you think I won't be able to do the job? This is stupid of me to ask, but am I supposed to win you back without me properly treating you? Now I feel more like I am dependent on you. And it's not a great feeling...." Martin said, breaking away the calm silence of a peaceful afternoon.

Celine was sitting at her work stable like always. He was given the privilege of being in the CEO's office and just doing his thing. Usually, we sat quietly next to each other; Celine had a lot of work to do, reading emails, answering calls, reviewing the company's performance, and attending some conference call with her managers. Meanwhile, he just existed, reading books and trading stocks. He felt pretty useless sometimes. It was just that she refused to let him stay outside or work in some coffee shop or coworking space somewhere. She said we had to eat lunch and dinner and go home together anyway. Yes, some days, she came to his room for a sleepover. Nothing physical or overtly romantic happened. She just slept next to him. But that brought him a lot of comforts to think that she was nearby.

"Why... have I emasculated you or something?" She asked with a hint of laughter in her voice.

"No, I haven't thought anything about that. It's just that I thought I suppose to be able to do more for you, to be a provider in this relationship in one way or another, not just someone who only receives."

He paused. He didn't know if he should say it. With a brief moment of hesitation, Martin confessed anyway.

"I feel useless. It feels like I only take and take from you. I feel like I couldn't contribute anything more or able to make you feel any happier."

That was what he felt, and he hoped to somehow remedy the situation-only if she let him. He waited for her reply. Celine didn't respond straight away. She massaged her neck, thinking, and then she closed her laptop. She seemed really tired. He didn't know if that was from work or from him. "Martin, please come here. Walk to my side of this table." That was her reply.

"....?" He didn't understand, but he got up from the couch and walked to her. There were documents and files all over her table. From what she told him and what he overheard from her working, Celine was trying to penetrate a new market in the US, and there were more than a couple of roadblocks she couldn't solve. He did give her some unsolicited advice from things he knew-he hoped that wasn't too rude of him, but she said she appreciated his advice. "When you look at my table, what do you see?"

"

"Believe me. This is a straightforward question. No tricks involved."

"I see your laptop, a bunch of documents, a pen, no, that's the pen I gave you, a picture frame-no, the picture frame with the photo of the two of us."

He didn't know what she was trying to say, but he described each item he saw on her table.

"Yes, this beautiful pen that I have is the gift you bought me for my graduation day, isn't it? You sneaked the gift in my bag without meeting me somehow." "Yes... you are right."

"And since you came back, have you ever seen me with anyone else?"

"... No."

"Martin. You are a smart man. Can't you deduce and conclude from what you see as facts in front of you about what I am trying to say to you? This is not exactly rocket science."

He did observe and could see what she was trying to say. He observed and could say that there was only one conclusion. But he didn't want to dare conclude because he didn't believe that it might be true. He was afraid.

"...But I'm not good enough for you. I still can't get rid of my symptoms and other conditions. I still haven't succeeded in anything in life...." He hadn't finished his sentence, and she interjected.

"No, Martin, you just need to be good enough for yourself. You can love me, but please, please... please love yourself more than you love me."

And that was when she hugged him.

"But..."

"No but. You used to be my consultant on life, and your lessons helped me grow out of that rebellious college-kid version of me. And now I need to be the one helping you. Please, stop thinking that you are not good enough. I never think you are not good enough. Have you ever truly listened to me, to what I have to say? You are usually observant, aren't you? Why do you overlook this? Observe me and what I have to say again, and you will know what I am trying to say to you."

"......" He was processing all this information in his head.

The past many years distorted his perspective on life and even his view of himself. There was only Celine, that kept telling him that everything was fine, he was doing fine, although things had changed and he was not the same person he was, she didn't mind a bit.

"I know you have your nightmares and awful memories. But I hope that what I'm doing can help-I want you to have more and more positive memories. And hopefully with me."

And when she said that, Martin could remember one of her confessions distinctly. It was the same quote she asked the other day if he remembered.

"Your happiness, the happiness of the person I love, is the best gift. Don't you realize that? Martin, you silly man...."

When that quote and the memory of her saying it emerged in his mind, he stared at her in disbelief. This couldn't possibly be true.

"How long do I have to wait? Should I be gray and old and unable to walk? My friends have kept teasing me about you for years."

And she smiled at him. A beautiful smile that made Martin feel the light within this dark room he called life. Suddenly he saw a way out of the mess he had put himself in. Maybe Celine saw hope in him. She was probably right.