The Secret Island
Chapter 76: Memories

Martin could hear the strong wind hitting the windows of the hotel room they were staying in. Martin woke up in the dark and thought about things he had to do. Martin hadn't slept, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't sleep. There were way too many things on his mind; what he had promised and what he had to do, and things he still left unsaid.

He carefully took back his arm that was initially resting on Celine's waist and got up from the bed. Celine was still sleeping soundly, and he didn't want to disturb her. Under the moonlight, he could see her cute sleeping face, and just the sight made him smile. He thanked her in silence for always being there for him. He was grateful to have her as the only clarity in his world of uncertainty.

It had taken him too long to spend life as a lone wolf and trust no one except a few people in his life. But today, he realized his life had changed. Today was the first day that the storm had passed, and he could finally take control of his life. Celine took his pillow and hugged it as if it was him. He heard her mumbling something in her sleep. She might feel tired from walking around town with him all day.

Looking at her, he kissed her cheek and wished her good night. He had a phone call to take and really didn't want to disturb her. The night was silent except for the strong wind that blew in the cold wind from time to time.

He looked at the time and called his therapist in New York. With UK time being faster, now it should still be within her office hour. Martin booked her time earlier, and she found him a one-hour slot to discuss his life update. It had been a while, and there were major life changes that he wanted her to know about.

Gisele knew him more than he knew himself. In fact, maybe he didn't know anything at all. He wanted some advice from her.

His ultimate goal was to be as good of a person as he was. No, not the old version of himself. Martin no longer wanted to be that version of himself that had everything under his fingertips. What he really wanted was to feel that everything was impossible. He wanted to feel like he had the power to be in control of his life. He wanted to feel like he could do anything. And he wanted a chance to do whatever was meaningful. Yes, that was the key. He wanted to do what was meaningful, not live day by day aimlessly like this.

He wanted Celine to be proud of him as he felt so proud to have her in his life. Although now he knew nothing concrete to accomplish that goal, at least now he knew what he wanted in life.

He was waiting for Gisele to pick up the call. He didn't have to wait for long.

"Hello, Martin." He could hear her usual cheerful greeting.

"Gisele! I found it! I found my life goal!" Excited to talk to her again, he skipped to what he really wanted to tell her.

"Do tell?"

"I think from now on. If I could do all I wanted, my life would be so perfect."

"What are you planning to do?"

"I will buy a condo in London, and hmm..." then his voice faded. He was thinking of what to say next. This was the first time he got a chance to tell anyone about this plan.

"I will...resume my career. I will apply for a job. Just to try to see what will happen...." He spoke of what he had in mind for a while.

"Oh..."

Actually, taking his career back was something his therapist suggested months ago, but he refused to take that seriously as he thought he was not ready to go see anyone else in a professional capacity. And to be honest, if they did a background check on him, they would know...

If he was more confident than he was, maybe there was more hope, the hope to regain his happiness.

"Congratulations on your progress, Martin."

"I don't even know where to begin. I have never applied for a job in a foreign country, so there might be some visa issues.... But yes, this is what I want." He was always headhunted by firms back in the day, so he never had experience in applying for jobs.

"I'm glad that you are ready to take a step forward in your life and on your own terms. That's great progress worthy of a celebration, Martin."

"Don't be too happy about this, though. I'm prepared to be rejected by multiple firms, but I think it's better than not even trying."

"What is the reason for this decision?"

"I just want her to be proud of me. Celine, I mean. I want to be a perfect person for her." Martin said. He always thinks about Celine when it comes to his life decisions.

"Martin, do you know that another enemy is your perfectionism?"

He frowned immediately when he heard that.

"...you are a perfectionist. Everything needs to be perfect for you to accept it as good enough. Everything, even yourself."

"Maybe our next task is to discuss how to live without being perfect."

"I don't understand...."

"I admire you for wanting to go back to work on your career again. But the real reason you do this is for Celine. You use the phrase 'being a more perfect person for her' if I'm to use your own words. But an honest question from me is...have you told her what happened to you? You have told me what topic you are scared to tell her about, haven't you?"

"You are not wrong."

"Have you asked yourself why?"

"I have."

"And what is the answer?"

Martin was silent.

This topic had been on his mind and bothering him for a long time. And the answer to the question was obvious, and everything was so clear that he felt the pain if the scenario in his head played out. "I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to look into her eyes when I tell her what happened...."

Martin bit his lower lip and thought about what someone he wholeheartedly loved would feel if she knew.

"...thinking about it again reminds me that I'm not good enough. I'm afraid that she will be upset with the information. I don't want to appear before her as someone broken...."

"Stop there for a moment, Martin, stop that thought there. Now, let me ask you another question."

Her calm voice couldn't stop his racing thoughts. But he turned his attention to Celine, who was still sleeping inside the hotel room.

"At the end of the day, the only question you need to ask yourself is...."

She paused; Martin smiled as he saw Celine looking so peaceful in her sleep.

"Do you trust her?"