The Secret Island
Chapter 79: Pain

Martin knew he was the type of person with limited courage. And when it came to issues that were triggering, he might even call himself a coward. Especially this time when he felt that returning to work was one of the most difficult things in his life.

He didn't want to look at him with pity or, worse, with insults. And there was a possibility of failure. He still remembered every word of insult and hurtful blow to his ego. That reminded him that he was not good enough and that he might not be good enough or ever improve. He stepped into this task, knowing what he had to face. At least the tradeoffs were worth it. He wanted to be better. But it still hurt to face the similar environment he was in-the competitiveness and the fast- paced environment of business. It wasn't surprising that he had anxiety.

If he could choose to live his life as he pleased, he would always be with the woman he loved, but again, with her current work schedule, he wasn't exactly useful. What type of man would he become by just being there in her office and trading stocks and reading articles? He felt useless.

So this was what our schedule had become; once he picked Celine off from her house and dropped her off at work, we didn't talk during the day, he let her work on her business, and he went to places he was scheduled to go. He had a lot on his plate.

True, he bought a new car and a new condo. Buying properties was one thing that made him feel a bit complete. He had his own place that he could call his without thinking about renting. He felt his identity reforming from all these material objects. But that wasn't enough...

He gathered up the broken pieces of his own identity and rebuilt himself anew. In the past many years, he truly struggled through life, maybe because he didn't know he did what he had to do. But now Martin realized that he had to do all that for Celine and himself. Celine taught him that. He had to do all this for himself.

Martin mustered up the courage and drove to the destination that he had in mind.

****

Martin was looking sad again.

Celine was sitting at her desk replying to emails and thinking about the facial expression of the man she loved this morning when he drove her to the office. She looked at the empty sofa ahead. Today was another day that he was away doing whatever he went to do without telling her a single piece of detail. She didn't count how many days has it been that he was away on his secret mission. Maybe this is the second week since we went back from Brighton. He went back to being all sad and depressed once again. He was quiet again and expressionless again. She hadn't seen his smile for days now.

He took good care of her; he drove to her house every morning to pick her up and smiled at her. He dressed in well-tailored suits and seemed purposeful about whatever he was about to do.

But Martin didn't know that she knew... she knew more than what he let on.

He didn't know that she noticed he forced a smile and that those bright blue eyes were glowing differently-a rather gloomy glint that he was hiding so well. The eyes that she recognized as the same as she first met him in his condo in New York.

Every evening, when he picked her up from her office and went for dinner together, she recognized that he spoke less and less each day.

Every day before he left her at the office and went off, she recognized that she hugged him tighter and longer as if he was silently pleading with her for more courage. Still, he didn't tell her anything. She asked him, but he refused to explain. He only said that she should give him more time. When he succeeds in what he planned, he will tell her.

Celine knew that whatever his goal was, attempting to accomplish it worsened his mental health.

And now she was mad at herself for being so useless.

"Boss, our partner confirms the meeting tomorrow. The meeting at the factory out of town tomorrow is also confirmed." He heard her assistant telling her the crucial information for tomorrow. Celine could only nod. She turned to the picture of her and Martin in a frame on her desk.

This time, maybe it was her who didn't take good care of him.

****

Martin fell onto the soft bed of the place he was renting. The condo he was buying still needed some time to clean up before he could move in. He closed his eyes and punched the pillow repeatedly. He knew that this would happen. He knew that he would be rejected if he applied. He knew all too well...

"Your CV is excellent. Your profile is overqualified, and I think you are even more experienced than all of our candidates. But, we really could not accept a candidate with a history of fraud."

"Yes. We take integrity as our main criterion; if our investors know about you, they will definitely lose trust in our company."

"But...I'm trying to amend it all. I had paid for my time. And now I'm clean. I'm just like everyone else. Can't you give me a chance? I will do my best, I promise."

"We are really sorry, and I cannot risk it."

The conversation in the interview room still echoes in his head. Rejections after rejections became his norm in everyday life. He probably needs to get used to it. Life... how unfair.

It didn't take him long after he was drowning in his thoughts. His hands were numb, and his head hurt. In a room where Martin was alone, the voices in his head kept bothering his peace, the voices from men and women in suits and rejected him over and over again.

"...we cannot accept you because of your history of crime."

"Whoa...he was on the front page of a newspaper. It's not difficult at all to find. Just some simple search..."

"... Thank you for coming..."

"... We are really sorry..."

"... Sorry, I need to go to another meeting..."

"... I'm sorry..."

Stop... Stop saying it...

Other voices were from all those inmates that hated him.

"Who do you think you are? You are just trash...."

"Haha. What's up, rich boy? How do you feel being in the same hell?"

"So, you worked in Wallstreet huh... sweet..."

"Yo, you think you are better than me?... I will make you see, dog, I will make you see..."

Stop... Please... Please stop...

Stop talking...