The Secret Island
Chapter 84: His Secret

"Martin, what are you doing?" Celine's call brought him to his senses. He was distracted by his thought and blanked out for a long time. He looked at Celine, and she seemed nervous. In one glance, he saw fear in those beautiful eyes.

Martin clenched his shirt tightly. His hands trembled uncontrollably.

"...I never wanted to hide anything from you...I j-just...I am just afraid. I'm so afraid...." His voice shook as he told her the truth. He gritted his teeth, and he could not control his hands, which were still shaking.

"What are you afraid of?" There was fear in her question, too. She asked him quietly as if it was a whisper. He knew she tried to remain calm for him, but it was difficult to be calm in a situation like this. He shook his head and took a step back from her.

The memories brought him back to that faithful day.

Not the day in prison.

Not the day he was beaten up until he fell unconscious.

Not the day he was labelled as a demon by fellow inmates.

But it was that day...

The day he truly felt worthless.

"That day...the day I went home...the day I went back home...." He couldn't speak coherently when thinking back to that day. He shut his eyes tight and tried to come up with words to explain to her what had happened to him. It was the most difficult thing he had ever done.

"My parents...they...they didn't let me inside the house."

He paused to catch a breath and then continued with difficulty.

"They said...they said...argh...they said I am a failure. I am a failure of a man. I am...I am a failure of... a son. I am not...their son. A failure like me should not even deserve the right to go back home. I...I...oh gosh...I am not their son." He said each word through his gritted teeth and violent sob. He couldn't control anything, not even the words that were flying out. He could feel hot tears on his cheeks, and yet he felt so cold.

Martin looked down at his clenched fists. He didn't dare to look at Celine. Whenever he continued the story, his voice shook even worst, and the images of that day reemerged in his head as if everything had happened just now. He saw them both again, so vivid in his mind, his parents looking at him with disappointment. His parents, the people he held in high regard, the living gods in his life, the two people he loved and respected above all-they both were disappointed in him. Martin was silent and worked on his breathing to stay calm before continuing to explain. But with one quick thought, it was better to show her what happened-he held a breath and took off his shirt.

He could hear Celine taking a sharp inhale.

"They...they said...they said I'm just a broken person, like a broken doll, no matter how highly valued I was, now I'm just broken, too broken to be worth anything...."

He still closed his eyes and said things he was told. He could not feel the cold breeze. How could he when the frost in his heart ate away his senses?

"And I'm afraid...I'm afraid that you will see me that way...just a broken man...." He was afraid of her eyes of sympathy, of hatred, of insult. He was afraid to see those in her eyes. It will haunt him until the end of his life. "Even my own family... my own flesh and blood... even them still don't accept who I have become...." And can you?

"They said someone with a lawsuit on fraud, someone who lost a reputation and a career, and someone with these marks and scars of shame...someone like me...is not their son. I'm no longer that golden boy. I'm no longer someone they could be proud of. I'm not that man anymore...."

And will Celine think the same?

Will someone he loved and trusted think the same?

Because all of this... all that he had said... all that she had seen...

All was his secret.

****

Celine looked at Martin and kept her face straight. She didn't want him to think that she was afraid of him or have any negative take on what he had just told her.

Martin was standing in front of her, telling his truth. His whole body shook as he spoke. He cried unashamedly.

He, today, was like a scared child. So much different from the elegant and confident man she knew.

He trusted her. And he pleaded for help by telling her what had happened.

But he was also afraid of her and didn't let her stand too close.

Celine was crying inside for what he had told her.

For a second, she remembered Martin from four years ago, the man whose smile could eclipse the sun in summer. Then she remembered herself in those times Martin was missing, and she thought of herself who was waiting for him and imagining all the scenarios and reasons why he didn't come back to her.

All the scenarios were not even close to the truth that happened, not as severe as she now could see with her own eyes, and not as painful as his eyes that were staring at her, searching for answers.

The eyes of a heartbroken man...

He was fighting an invisible war that she couldn't understand. Celine realized that those eyes tried to tell her what had happened with his past and where he was now. He looked at her with those eyes that conveyed his fear, the fear of rejection. He feared she would reject his imperfection.

She knew she couldn't change how he thought of her in this instance or even his view towards himself. She couldn't change him to be someone who was proud of himself, no matter how often she told him she was proud of him.

Maybe this was another time she regained his confidence in himself and perhaps trust... the trust that was between us was more than just love between a man and a woman, the trust that she saw him as more than just a checklist of what a good man is based on a nonsensible standard of society's expectation. She wanted him to know that his life didn't end when that one path of his career ended. And being brutally hurt physically by strangers and mentally by the people he loved were the worst that was the past. His life did not end. And he was worth so much more. He was not broken. He shouldn't see his life in that light.

Celine didn't know much about life and how to live life more than anyone, but at least she was content with her life and wanted Martin to enjoy it with her. Life... shouldn't be that sad...

"Martin." He recoiled as she called him softly.