Wild West of the Heart
FORTY-TWO.

I was right.

Everything is a downslide after halloween. There is no month that runs as fast November. You know it's the start, when everyone's still cleaning up the mess from halloween and fixing mistakes. Fixing long lost relationships.

But before you know it, the harmattan season comes and blows us right through to thanksgiving. And then it's the month end. Then the final exams are due for these lots, just before christmas break. Well, luckily you've not missed alot.

Okay, maybe a few things.

Like Ola, finally learning more than the definition of homeostasis. And Fiyin kind of rekindling her relationship with her dad when he wasn't drunk.

Or when he wasn't off on the farm.

Like Mira, finally admitting to herself her desire to transition as well, not that she had mentioned any of that to Obi. Not since he was the one that started the whole keeping secrets thing.

With him, nothing much had happened. And he hadn't still spoken to Abdul. A day, turned to two. And then a week, and then weeks they spent drifting further apart. And they were always busy especially with the mock exams by the corner. But those were all excuses.

He knew deep down he'd fucked up the one thing that was going well in his life. And now he had to do the hardest part of it all-

and that was to move on.

Because Abdul seemed to have, asking Bade to the Christmas carol. This annual dance they organized after their exams. It was the first time Ola was to attend one of these things and he was determined for it to turn out well, especially with the intention to finally ask Fiyin to be his date.

Oh, and Obi might have come a head regarding his self discovery. Maybe it was more than a few things that you missed.

But i guess that's the reason i'm here-

-

Ola flipped through his biology textbook, withstanding the urge to doze off in the next second. He knew he had to cover more than just this term's syllabus especially if he wanted a b at the least.

And with all that had been going on in the past weeks, he's had more than a few places to put his attention. But that night, he decided it was for bio.

He didn't want his grades to slip, because he knew more than ever he needed a scholarship. Not exactly Johnsons, but any scholarship to maybe have a shot at a future.

"Fuck the circulatory system" He cussed under his breath, placing his forehead to the table in both anger and frustration. He could hear the voices of his mum and dad from the parlor and that as well, shifted his focus. Because nothing that those two talked about were ever good.

And they were always about him.

He grudgingly stood to the door, and leaned against it. "I feel like we need to cut him some slack, you know?" Mary's voice went low. "He's just a kid. And kids don't know half the things they do" She continued. He fell back and then his phone began to buzz on the table.

He needed to get to it, but he also needed to hear the end of this conversation.

"That's the thing. It's always he's a kid. And that's how they get spoiled" Akin replied to Mary and Ola cursed the day he was born this man.

"It's why what happened in Texas, happened, you know" Ola pulled away just as his phone stopped ringing and he walked towards the table. An exhaustipated sigh escaped his lips. He couldn't get to concentrate on his biology now, so he just hefted up his phone. "Uncle James" He read the name across his screen under the missed call.

He realized that over the ten times he'd called since he got to Nigeria, he had picked none of it.

It wasn't deliberate, or maybe it was. Maybe he was still kind of angry, and still blamed the reason why he was here on James.

It was how his father knew. Through him.

He clenched the phone in his hands, hoping he won't call back. And he didn't, to him himself, it wasn't rocket science that Ola didn't want to talk.

No matter how much he did, Ola wasn't there yet.

But at least, he reached out, unlike Williams and Sarah, who he so badly wanted to hear from. Ola had accustomed himself to the fact that they had moved on.

And they were never going to reach out.

It was ten pm, and he had approximately nine hours to his first examination which so happened to be biology. He fell back into his bed, with the phone on his chest as he heaved a deep breath.

Muffled voices came through the door but for the first time, he didn't try to listen. Because somehow he always got himself hurt in the attempt. After all it was the purpose of secrets and he knew whenever he tried to eavesdrop, it was at his risk.

His gaze fell on the alarm clock and then his half opened textbook. And then to the scrambled papers where he'd attempted to sketch the circulatory system. He had to learn that one, most especially because it was an area of concentration. But he hadn't gone much further with it.

So he did the most logical thing in that moment, which was texting the first person that came to his mind. The person vying for the best in biology.

And it was not Obi.

Ola: you up?

-

He sent it, looking up at her name. Fiyinsta.

"So what's the plan?" DaSilva pulled a chair out, with a martini in his hands. Mira looked up at him, and then turned to the rest of the table.

There were at least nine people at the squared furniture, most of whom were closer to Silva than Mira. It had always been that way. But it didn't change the fact that they all ran this club.

She looked back at the flashing lights in sync with low music as Dee climbed down the poll, and unto the grounds. She was a plus size dancer, as well as a drag queen, like the rest of the people here. "Yes, Mira. What's the plan?" Tanya yelled, already drunk by what was in her firm clasp.

The lights glistened in her eyes as she grinned ear to ear. How they knew? Of course it was through Mira, who had a bottle of rosè in her hands a few weeks ago, and she yelled from the stage "I'm trans, bitches"

She might have been drunk, but there were no lies in what she said. Her words were followed by a deafening applause with Silva winking his eyes at her. "Took you long enough" He cheered, slyly.

But it was only when she was drunk that she had that much confidence. Now, sober and seated in front of eight people, she realized she didn't even have a plan. She didn't even know her own plan.

"I" She stuttered as Silva reached for her shoulders. "You know what? How about we let her sleep on it, Tanya" He said as Dee sat on the table. She raised her heels around her legs as she looked around. "Crowds clearing up" She hinted. And Mira turned back.

"What a night" Silva said, pulling away and getting up on his feet. He dragged a line of confetti with his heels as he walked to the stage.

There was that ringing sound from the microphone as he picked it up, before he turned it off. Cash laid capriciously on the floor as he leaned forward to pick them all up in his hands.

Dee had a few bucks in her bralette as well, which she let fall out on the table alongside her left boob.

There was a cheer as Tanya stood, spraying all the cash back on her as she twerked to the hip hop song from the speakers. Her makeup was already musty from the sweat but she didn't care.

Dee joined her on the table, with the rest of them screaming in their high pitched voices and bikinis. Naira notes squandered in the air, raining on Mira as she stood to the door. She looked back, and recognized how far she had come with these guys.

This might not all have been hers, but by the end of the night, each one of them had more than enough to go home with. After all, there was no shady manager that got a ninety percent cut. It was a club owned and led by drag queens. "Hey" Mira leaned towards Silva as she grabbed the broom in her hands. "Yo" Silva replied nonchalantly, bothering not to look back at her.

Mira proceeded to sweep the confetti to the corner as Silva stood. "You sure the music won't wake Obi up" He said, looking up.

"No, he sleeps like a log of wood" She shrugged off, which was not entirely false. But then again, he could very much be awake, stalking Abdul's facebook page and activities.

Or he could be reading bio also, because he had his finals the next day.

Anyways, he was doing neither of that.

However, he did have his eyes glued to his desktop screen, taking one of those am i gay popquizzes. It was how he had his first moment of sexual awakening years back when he took first took the test. Which non-coincidentally was when he'd also seen Ryan Reynolds for the first time.

But this one, was more of an am i nonbinary test.

And he was doing fair until he got to the last question-

When have these thoughts come up for the first time?

Honestly, it was a few weeks ago.

He had no idea there was even something like that until Abdul made mention of it. And then he read Amebo, and later found himself relating to Jax.

But would it have been any different if he'd always known as a kid? And why was this question so difficult to answer, unlike the rest.

I mean he'd answered them non-hesitantly and mostly with the truth. Like the initial ones-

Do you ever experience discomfort being referred to as your assigned sex? I mean, honestly it varied. But it wasn't always a big deal, he typed.

Do you ever experience discomfort with your body? Yes.

Have you ever thought about using different pronouns to refer to yourself other than the ones that go along with your birth sex? Yes, he had thought of she/her.

Especially when he was transitioning, but somehow it still felt a bit off. And he had no idea there were other existing pronouns like they/them.

How much have you looked into gender/sexuality online? Recently, an unhealthy amount worth of screen time.

There were other questions which he lied though.

Do you already identify as gay, bi-, pan-, ace, etc? No.

Why did you take this quiz?

He'd put in he didn't know, but deep down he did.

But it was all before he closed the laptop, not even clicking for the results. And he fell back into his bed, with a sigh escaping his lips. "What am i doing?" He whispered, staring up at the ceiling.

The music from below him boomed through the decking as he budged a bit to the side. His biology textbook was next to him and he realized he hadn't even opened it. This was meant to be the examinations that'll change the rest of his life. And now, it was barely a few more hours to it

With that realization, he muttered beneath his breath. "Shit" Finding the next thing to delve into, and forgetting all about this fucking test that left him with more questions than answers.

But back to Mira, she certainly didn't have much answers of her own. "I don't have a plan" She said to Silva who then looked to her, with a smirk.

"I could tell" She replied as Mira's shoulders fell.

"The good thing is, Mira. You still have time to figure all of this out" He whispered. "Time?" Mira echoed, gesturing to the dj to turn the music down. Silva walked to the stage and sat next to the poll. From there, they both could see the table. And Dee still chugging down the bottle of wine, letting it drip down her banan colored lingerie. She let out a scream, finally tossing off her heels.

Mira walked to Silva, sitting beside him.

"I don't have time"

"I'll soon be thirty, and then what next? Time flies by the decade and regrets set in. And then i'll sixty with cats, when Obi would be as distant as ever. It'll appear as if i'm all that i have" She whispered.

"Cats. That's stereotypical" Silva chuckled and Mira just shrugged off. "Maybe a bunny then. But that's besides the point. I don't have time, and now i'm already beginning to regret not realizing this sooner. Maybe i did, but i regret turning away"

"I regret being scared, and forcing myself to fit into the standards of society. It all feels like lost time" Mira begun to panic but then DaSilva held her palms out. "Look-" She paused with a smile.

"Everything happens for a reason"

"You just realizing who you are now, happened for a reason" Silva added. "And it took a murder to bring me that sense of self realization?"

"Why are you so dark?" He asked, rolling his eyes. "It's the truth, Silva. All those years, trying to be perfect. Trying to not be too much"

"It isn't lost. It only brought you closer to the person that you are now" He interrupted. "Self discovery is a journey, and you can't tell if even if you realized sooner, if you would have been ready. But look, everything we've experienced-" "Brought us closer to this" He turned the money that laid around them, and the table of people, across whose faces were the widest of smiles.

"To all this. And if you asked me five years ago for a plan, i would've just stared at you" He chuckled.

"For real. I would've just stared at you. And laughed. God, i didn't even think i'll live to thirty but here we are" He stretched his arms. "Here i am. Are there regrets? Occasionally" He paused.

"But was it all worth it? Definitely"

"Don't rush yourself, Mira. You still have time, you know i learned from this astrologist that time is actually just an illusion" He smirked. "What the fuck is even time?" He punched her lightly in her arms and Mira just smiled for a brief second. And then she looked in a distance.

"I get it, Silv" She abbreviated his name.

"I don't think i want surgery" Mira said after a brief pause. "I don't think i want to transition like Obi did" She nodded and Silva finally let go of her hands. "You can go at whatever pace you want"

"It's still the same thing. It's within" He moved closer so as to rest his head against her shoulders.

"And i'm so proud of you. Dee is too"

"Everyone is" Mira laughed, remembering how loud the applause that day was. "Everyone is" She muttered again as her smile vanished from her face. And Silva looked up to her. He could tell- "You haven't still told Obi?" He whispered and Mira unconsciously looked to the stairs. Then she shook her head, tears welling to her eyes.

She wanted to, she really wanted to.

"You're not any better if you keep the same secret" DaSilva patted her shoulders before he stood, and he walked away, leaving her to fathom his words.

"You're not any better if you keep the same secret"

-

His eyes shut open in response to the sound of the alarm and they were immediately met with the rays of sunshine that brutally filled the room. He groaned, turning away and holding his pillow.

He stretched his hand back, tapping the surfaces in an attempt to turn off the alarm. He was so deep into his sleep that his eyes closed back again.

It wasn't until after a while that he jolted, the sun bathing his skin and he muttered. "Shit" His eyes darted to the alarm as he hopped out of his bed.

He knew it, it had to be well past seven am for the sun to have risen like this. He marched across hus biology textbook that must have fallen from his grasp as he fell asleep. He rushed to the bathroom, the alarm shutting off.

"Shit. Why didn't Mary wake me up?" He was quick to blame her for the chaos that was his head. God, he didn't even know where to look for his toothbrush. Today was the start of his finals, he couldn't even afford to be late.

And once he got the brush in his hands, he struck it into his mouth with paste as he strode out to pick out his rumpled uniforms. "Of course, it has to be today" He nagged, trying to balance doing two things at once. His feet dragged unto his shoes and he was able to reach his clothe hanger.

"Ola" Someone then called from the door, just as his alarm clock started again. He could rip his hair from the roots in that moment.

"What?" He yelled back at the door as he made his way to the headstand. Once he'd managed to slam the alarm against the wood, there was finally quiet and he heaved a deep breath, his toothbrush still hanging between his lips. "What?" Came a more subtle response as he stared around. From the broken alarm clock, to his ripped textbooks and terrible sketches. And his rumpled damp uniform across the bed.

Laces from his shoe on the ground, and the door to his bathroom left wide open. Yet, he took a deep breath to ensure he was still sane.

"You ready for school?" Mary then asked, as she neared the door. And instead of a traditional reply, a scoff escaped his lips instead. To be continued...