Wild West of the Heart
FIFTY

Lagos island was much different from the mainland. Though just a few kilometers away, it wasn't just essentially some exotic place in the middle of serene waters. It was more than that. It was the segregation of the wealthy from the middle class. It wasn't cult like, but it was close. At least a bunch of people, though not very much could find their way to the Madu event. It was so much different from Abule-Egba. And it was no surprise how it felt like a new city to Obi.

With all the elaborate christmas trees and lights around them. Especially when the sun was already down a day to christmas. The sight was ethereal from the car, and there were these massive buildings that got lit up with decorations. Trees at the center of the roads and occasional fireworks in the air.

"Finally" Obi let out a sigh of relief. Because finally they were here. Although the moon was already out and they'd missed the event by two hours, they were finally here. At the island gates.

"Look, i'm sorry Obi. We might not be a-"

"Uh" He interrupted. "I came here to meet Hassan Madu and i'm going to meet her" He hefted his phone up to Mira. "She's still around. Taking pictures" He added. "I'm not going to leave here without talking to her" There was determination in his voice. And Mira was held aback.

She didn't even know what to say that she just let out a static scoff. "Well-"

Obi looked ahead of the cars that queued to cross into the Lekki toll gate, and then he looked to his phone and time on it. "I need to go-" He tried the door. "What?" Silva looked back at him.

"It's not that far. And i'm sure i could make it there on feet"

"You don't even know your way around here" It was DaSilva that did the talking as Mira just looked out of the windows, smitten by the architectural designs of this place. "There's a map Silva. I really need to meet her" Obi replied.

"I really do need to meet her too but you don't see me hopping out of m-" Obi didn't even wait for him to finish. He was out of the car and threading down the pavements on the edge of the roads.

"I" Silva looked to Mira who just smiled. "You're just going to sit there?" She was chill, holding unto her seatbelt. "Let him breathe" She finally replied, eyeing him drift further away. "That kiddo"

Silva chewed on his nails, slipping into the car seats. "I would've done the exact thing" Mira said.

"I know" They chuckled for a bit. "It's rare these days to see what the kids are genuinely into. It's rare to see them go after what they really want"

"And i'm not going to be the kind of parent that's in their way. The kind of parent that stops them" By that time. Obi was no longer in sight. It was just Silva that had all her pure attention. "You know?"

He heaved a deep breath. "Yes, i know"

"I know that if ever i want kids, i want what you both have" He looked to the side with Mira scoffing her shoulders. "What can i say?" She asked. "He completes me. And it was his mom's loss. The day that she left-" "Mom?" Silva echoed, holding unto the steering wheel. "I don't know about anyone else. You are his mom, Mira" He smirked, driving forward a little bit and then coming to a halt.

Mira went silent, something about that statement had melted her heart, and moistened her eyes. She turned back to face the windows as she let the firy winds fill her rounded face. "Thank you" She said.

Dasilva was smug, doing that his signature smirk and for once he wasn't pained because if he won't be seeing Hassan today, at least Obi to would.

He hoped that he would.

Obi himself, did too as he ran across the roads, stamping his feet with each step. There were still ashes falling from the skies and a distance echo of a siren. Birds chirped close to the grounds in search of grains and he could see the waters just beside him. It was much larger than Lagoon.

All these had his attention but his mind was set ahead. Especially when his gaze fell ok a huge clock atop this senate building. It was almost 10PM and the realization hit that not only have they been on the roads since morning, it was two hours to christmas.

Now, Obi loved christmas more than anything.

He hated his birthdays, but he loved christmas because the memories of that day were the closest he had of his dad. Scrambling for gifts under the trees, decorating the house, and there were guests. Family, most of which didn't keep in touch much.

There was a party, and there was cake. It was just the celebrations that made christmas what it was. It was beyond a season, it was a feeling.

He was closer now more than ever to meeting his star. To meeting Madu, that he ignored the beads of sweat falling from his chin.

"Hassan" He begun to call from a distance once he sighted the hotel. "Hassan " It was just a bend off the main gates, and there were just a few people here so his echoed through the streets. "Hassan"

He was pretty sure it was her he sighed. In a long shiny scarlet jacket and boots that looked just like Silva's. If only he was here.

"Hassan" He heard her mutter something under her nose as he almost tripped. Running made his hair a mess but he didn't care. It took him twelve hours but he was finally here.

He was finally a few feet from her. She stepped forward behind two husky men who seemed to her bodyguards. And assessing him, she told them to move away. "Hi, Hassan. Madu" He wasn't sure what she'd like to be called. He was just flustered like a young boy in love.

"I'm a huge fan and i came all the way from Abule Egba but with the wildfire and the season, there was just this tr—" He stopped himself as she took off the huge frames around her eyes. "You don't care about that" He laughed embarrassingly as she walked ahead of the men.

"It's fine" She said to them, as she moved closer to Obi. "Wow. You don't know how much of an inspiration you are to me and people like me. And, it's you. It's really you" He heaved a breath.

"Yeah" She smiled genuinely. "It really is" The two shared a chuckle, and Obi used that time to catch his breath. "I'm sorry i missed the whole show. I have someone that really wanted to meet you-" He looked back in vanity. "It's okay-" "You want to go for a walk?" She offered and his lips legit fell wide open. "Yes. Yeah" He nodded with so much energy that it just made Madu laugh. It wasn't the first time meeting an excited fan, but there was something about Obi. She could tell.

Down the road was a bit quieter, and there were these huge streetlights above them. "I started watching you as a kid. And you sort of just showed me what i really wanted. Like i saw in you what i wanted. I was like, there. It's you" He said. "I remember meeting my- my mum, and telling her i'm trans. I had you in my hands" Her lips circled. "Oh" She exclaimed. "You are?"

"I don't know anymore"

She furrowed her brows. "What's wrong?" She asked as Obi kicks sand with his feet. "A year ago, if you asked me, i was so sure of what i wanted. I was so sure of what i didn't want, that is to be this. To be a boy, and then i started transitioning into the other side of this binary world" He chuckled.

"But the deeper i went into conquering my masculinity. The more i saw the changes, the more i begun to question if it was really what i wanted"

"Oh" Came a softer reply from Madu as she looked to me. "I begun detransitioning like two three months ago. I stopped taking my hormones and even my blockers. And i almost feel the dysphoria treading back in. I just shut out the thoughts, yelling mentally to myself that this is what i want yet again. I saw my beards one time and i almost had a panic attack" Madu smiled, but in a way that showed she understood.

"And this confusion is just overwhelming you know. And i'm scared of my identity being used to invalidate other trans peoples identities. Like there's already enough being said about us. I'm also scared that i don't have much time left. It's like i clocked eighteen and it just hit me, i'm still not comfortable in my own body. Like is this what the rest of my life will look like too?"

"Like some experiment?"

"Oh-" Madu pointed to him as he nodded. "Obi"

"Oh Obi. It's normal to feel that way. It's normal to feel sort of confused about the whole thing. I mean i was, and it took sometime to find what i was really comfortable with. Things like how much dosage, and how much i really wanted to change"

"A while after my orchiectomy, i started wonder what i decided to want kids, and it's already late. Like my own kid, my own blood. I realized i maybe hadn't given it much thought and it took a lot from me to not regret everything. I completely shut down from the internet, like a few weeks i didn't post because i felt this way. Like a failure, like a failed thousands of you because what does it make me if i can't even follow the advise i freely give to others. I was lost, Obi. But that's the thing, because i realized only later it's okay to be lost"

"Because after then, you find yourself the more. It's like it makes you more sure of what you want" Madu's voice went low. "The saying that it takes darkness to find the light, yes. After that phase, i made a video, what next. It was genuinely me trying to figure out what was next for myself. Because i already got so much at a very young age, i fully transitioned, started my brand and-" She paused. "And even till now i didn't still know" "But, Obi i won't beat myself up about it"

"Life is this journey where each day we get to learn more about ourselves. More about how to love ourselves and eventually you'll figure it out. Who you really are" She continued. "What if who i am doesn't exist?" Obi asked. "And what i want isn't a thing?"

"It doesn't make you less of it though. Less of you"

"Besides you sound like you even know what you want but you're trying to convince yourself it isn't" She arched her brows, getting to the edge of the roads from where she could see the oceans.

Obi halted as well, at what seemed to be the edges of the island. "I want to be in the middle. I want to still have control, make sense of the changes in my body. Like i want some certain things, while i don't want the others. I don't want to be a boy, but the more i lean towards the feminine side, the more stuck i feel. So i just want to be in the middle but there's nothing like that. It isn't fair-" Madu leaned against the side of the roads. "There is, Obi. It's being non binary"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm tired of everyone saying that. I'm tired of having to take fucking google quizzes to tell me what i am. It's like i'm a joke"

Madu chuckled. "All these things are normal. I also went through that phase. The am i gay pop quiz. Oh my God" She laughed and Obi looked at her, pouting his lips. "What is that?" "What is being non binary?" He asked.

Madu heaved a deep breath, thinking of how to start, where to start. The truth was, she herself knew transitioning as a non binary person was tough.

Especially in very binary world. When you're in the hospital room, it's either M or F. And the bathrooms read the same. It makes you think less of who you really are and what you really want.

Because it's always M to F, or F to M. And if you aren't trying to be either, then you weren't sure of what you wanted to be. There's no pamphlet or guide for transitioning as NB. It was why Obi felt the way he did. Like if he wasn't making the right choice, he was failing.

There are no maps to follow.

"Obi" She slowly called. "Non binary are the gender identities that are neither male nor female"

"That's a thing?" He asked and Madu nodded.

"Yes, and it might be why you're feeling this way, Obi. It's what being in the middle means and i don't think you really want to detransition, because being either M or F scares you" She said.

"There isn't such as half transitioning is there?" He asked as a joke. But Madu nodded. "You know what, there should be. Because transitioning as a non binary person could be harder. You should take the hormones till you're satisfied with your physical changes. There should be that choice between having boobs and facial hair. And having surgery and not. There are these straight narratives that we are forced to follow and it's why people are invalidated. Scared to stray from what society deems as normal" She continued.

"This image and standards they shoved down our throats as normal. And if you're the slightest bit different, then it's not normal"

"Then is a sin?" Obi whispered. "Why should i feel like a sinner if all i really want is to be comfortable in my own body?" She looked to the skies. "It's always that battle when i begin to love myself, and then i remember God hates me " "I just want to love myself" He whispered again and Madu looked to him. "Obi, you know what you want and you just need someone else to tell you. But i'm not going to do that, because at the end of the day, the decision comes down to you" "If you want to continue the hormones and see if there's that middle ground where you want to stop or if you don't. If you're nb or-" She looked at him in a way that hoped he'd make the right decision and then she looked to her wrist watch. "I've spent so much time here. My flight leaves tonight" She cleared her throat, holding her tears back in. Then she dusted off her jackets and looked over the waters. "And from what i've seen, i know you'll make the right decision" She said. "Just don't let the world make it for you" With that, she was headed forward, hoping she helped this young boy's life. Everyone thinks the only way to live as a trans person is to be either male or female but what about the rest? And it's why there's so much uncertainty if you're not fitting some sort of stereotype. And that maybe you're not trans enough if you're microdosing. But it doesn't have to be this way.

Wrong. All the notions are wrong. There are ways of transitioning that can embody one's nonbinary identity, and Obi just had to figure that out. She wasn't about to tell him what he was because then it wouldn't make her different from society. Finding who you really are is something you have to do on your own. And in your own way.

"Wait" Obi called and she looked back. "So do you want kids?" He asked, and she shrugged her shoulders. "I'll leave that for when i'm ready" She smirked as Obi walked closer. "Thank you"

"This was like a fever dream. Getting advice from the one person you look up" She blushed slightly as he pulled out his phone. "Can i?" He asked, politely and normally she would turn down a picture but fuck it, it was Obi. "I really want some one else to meet you-" He remembered Silva, and how much he would freak over this.

She turned the phone over and it made it click sound to take the picture. It was perfect, with the ocean and the lights behind them. Obi wasn't sure if all of that was what he expected to hear-

-but it certainly helped his perspective. She was right, because deep down he already knew who he was, it was why he took that stupid test. But the reason he didn't look at the results was because as usual, he was scared. Madu, helped with that fear.

He watched her walk down the hill and into the black Bentley guarded by those guys. She was much different in person, shorter even in heels but nicer. And before she walked in, she looked to him. "Where did you say you were from again?" She asked and he tripped forward. "Abule-Egba"

She tied her lips and them turned away. The moment she entered into the car, he tightened his fist, yelling into the air. His face was pale and he couldn't even tell if she was staring through the tinted windows or if anyone was staring but he didn't care. He had met Hassan Madu-

—and he could spend his whole life looking at that picture on his phone. But then his eyes darted to the time, and it was almost a quarter to eleven pm.

A day to christmas, and he was away from his friends. He looked back, and began to think if he could still make it to the party.

Speaking with Madu had filled him with this level of confidence and the feeling was strange to him, he almost never felt this way. Like he knew exactly what he wanted to do in that moment.

He yelled, running after Madu's car and eventually closer to the toll gates, hoping to still meet Mira and Silva. "Lovely weather yea?" Someone said to him across the pavement and he just smiled, letting the ash settle in his hair.

"Recent reports now say that the fire is now eighty one percent contained. But the chief went ahead to warn the residents of the area to celebrate with caution on Christmas day as anything could still happen-" He ran passed the radio, letting the breeze fill his hair. With outstretched arms, he danced across the streets, praying to be in time.

To be continued...