Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 129

I was in the living room, waiting, cleaning up all by myself and just sat there, arms and legs crossed hearing the truck that was coming down the gravel road. Buck was back, and it was time to face the f*****g music.

He came through the door, carrying Kira and she was asleep, I was grateful for that. they had been out all day and I saw his face when he was taking her gently down the hallway, her small body swaying when he was putting her down in her room and closing the door, he was pissed.

He was. I didn't blame him, with my luck I was happy that he didn't just walk up to me and tell me that the engagement was off and that he was packing the same things he just brought here, back to his house where his ex was living, where all three of his kids had gone back too, not one of them sticking around or saying goodbye, just left me.

He sat down beside me, his heavy body making me lean towards him weather I wanted to or not when I still hadn't had the courage to look at him, not yet.

"What the hell happened here Andrea?" he said it calm but I could hear it, the dark scowl underneath it all that was just waiting to flare up and take over, one f*****g spark and then we would have our real first fight ever and that scared me, more then I ever had imagined.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm soo fucking sorry..." my voice shaking when I still didn't look at him, just keeping my head down. I had just stood there and watched one of his kids get hurt and I did nothing to stop it, I was way to f****d up it seemed.

"I have been standing a fucking hour inside of my house and listen to Sarah giving me so much shit that Mitch was hurt and it was your friend that did that!? what kind of friends do you have that assaults people!?" his voice was getting more upset, the thick tension in the air killing me when I started to cry because let's face it, that's all I could do, Buck was going to leave me and I was going to be alone again, all because of my f*****g past that couldn't let me go, I hated my life!

"He didn't mean it like that.... he was just protecting me, Buck please you don't know..." I stopped when his jaw was clenched, the whole of him was. His handsome face and otherwise warm eyes that finally turned to look at me, making me gasp. He was pissed beyond my belief, like he was one second from just breaking up with me and never look back again making me start to panic! No! no, I loved him! I didn't want him to leave me, never!

"It was my f*****g son that he almost broke the arm on, don't you get that Andrea?! he could barely breathe and you just stood there, didn't even fucking help him!? what if it was Kira that was on the floor, being choked out, having a big man on top of her!? wouldn't you want to fucking kill the person who did that!?" he was hissing it trying not to wake up Kira and I fell back to the soft couch when he got up from it and looked like he wanted to trash my place, leave me and go find Tom, strangle him with his bare hands for hurting his kid.

"I would kill him, but Kira is a baby!? Mitch is not fucking innocent and a grown man!" I snarled it back having the picture in my head of someone hurting my baby making me go into rage mode that was for the moment winning over the fact that I was scared shitless that Buck was leaving me for what happened.

"Not to me! goddammit Andrea! I don't care if he is in f*****g college or retiring! he is still my son and I love him, more than anything!" Buck was looking crazy when I made a surprised face when the hard guilt was burrowing its way even further down my chest. I hadn't even thought about that... of course Buck loved him, I knew that but.... F**k! I was staring back at his grey eyes that was raging, his whole face tense and body posture like he was leaving here, leaving me and Kira!

"He is a good kid, he is just angry over shit that I can't control but that doesn't mean that he deserved that, his whole fucking future, football scholarship being put at risk because your friend was defending your honour!? That's my job Andrea and if you don't think that I am doing a good enough filling that spot than me and you maybe weren't such a good match as I thought we were!" His face showing the sadness that was over me too, he didn't want to leave me, he didn't, and I knew that so why the hell was he talking like we were already over!?

My chest was hurting, my head spinning, and I felt the same hard nausea that came along with this, fighting.

"He called me a whore, Buck! I'm sorry that Tom did that, I am! but he is fucking disrespectful against me, and he is making Jared follow!" I was up from the couch now, trying not to scream so hard when Buck was still standing there, looking at me like he didn't know what to feel anymore about what happened, he was still pissed when I raised my voice the slightest pointing my finger accusing at his big body, I was sick of this shit already!

"I am fucking trying my hardest here and you can't see it, how he looks at me all the time! I can't spend one second with him without him looking like he wants to kill or fuck me!" I didn't care anymore; Buck was leaving me and if he wanted to say what he felt then I sure as hell would too!

"You think being with Kira is any easier!? she have made damn clear that she don't like me and probably never will, and I'm still trying aren't I?? what would you say if I was the one that was giving up because of her, and trust me she has been pushing her luck more than ever! none of my kids acted like that when they were her age, because the knew that there was fucking consequences for what you did even back then!" he growled it back when I made an offended face, clutching my hand to my chest staring at his upset angry eyes, was he f*****g serious with me now, Kira was a f*****g problem between us!?

"Don't you fucking dare say a word about her Buck! She is two and a half! Your kids are grownups! she is a baby, and she doesn't know any better!" I was so angry that I wanted to smack him for bringing up my precious baby girl that was the best thing in the world, the best f*****g thing!

"She is not a baby Andrea, only too you! letting her get away with anything, anything she does you just tell her that she is bad and that's it, nothing more! You know what, she threw a rock on a chicken today and laughed, is that a f*****g behaviour that we are supposed to encourage?!"

He made a mocking smile when he was crossing his arms, making himself bigger and just looked like he was gloating so bad that it was hurting my heart just as much as it was making me angrier, how fucking dared he stand there and look so goddam confident, his kids where no better, none of them where!

"At least I don't have a sexual fucking predator as a son and a coward that just want to stare at my tits, oh and you want to know more?! my friend kissed Sophia and she loved it, take that Buck!" I mimicked his posture and felt really good about myself, what the fuck was he talking about, me letting Kira get away with anything!? I f*****g told her off every time! I just didn't want her to grow up and hate me like I did my own parents!

"He fucking what!?" the unwritten agreement we had not to shout at the other one was broken by Bucks dark loud voice that was finding it way into every part of the small house we were sharing that I knew from the look on his face wasn't going to last that much longer, f**k! "He f*****g kissed her; you heard me and calm the f**k down Buck! It was just a kiss, nothing more and she didn't pull away or anything, she liked it!" I said it half desperate, half mockingly knowing in the back of my mind that I was just pushing him further away from me, from us and I didn't nothing to stop it, like I was watching in third person seeing myself opening my stupid mouth and ruining the healthiest relationship I ever had in my life!

"I'm leaving." he said it cold and gritty, not even telling me it was over when I did a deep intake of air, showing just how fucking hurt I was, he was leaving me.

"Buck! Wait!" he was already out the door when I was running after him, like the big red alert in my head had started to go off, that he was leaving me, like really leaving me! I was already after him when I tried to grab his arm when he just shook me off like he didn't care, didn't want me to even touch him anymore, he had to f*****g listen to me!

"Buck, please! Buck, no we can fix this, I fucking love you!?" I said it accusing and hurt meeting his hard eyes in the window shield for a the shortest of seconds showing me that he was hurt too, so f*****g hurt and I made a big crying sound, no! I would die if he left me, and I knew it!

"Buck!?" I was standing in front of his hood, having my hands on the older truck, not letting him leave me when he was riling the engine up making me cry harder, no he had to fucking look at me, see that I was sorry for what happened, I was! I loved him! "Don't make me come out there Andrea, just fucking don't!" he said it harder, shouting over the roaring of the engine when I made another deep hurt sound, my eyes swollen and nose runny from crying when I backed up seeing his hard scowling face when he took off and didn't even look back at me, not even once.

I fell to the ground, hard and fast crying watching the taillight in the darkness disappear and out from my sight when I was still crying his name, he left me! he fucking left me! "Buck!" I was screaming it out into the air, my voice shrieking and mind racing. nothing made sense anymore, he left me! he fucking left me like he said he wouldn't do!

My own loud crying only being interrupted when I looked back and saw Kira, she was crying her eyes out, she must have seen me going after Buck and him just taking off! F**k!

"Kira!" I was already running back across the yard, swooping her up and the both of us crying when I walked inside the house, locking the door and straight to my bedroom and lied down with her trying to calm down, but I couldn't, I fucking couldn't, Buck was gone and I was alone again!

"Its okay... its okay...." I was still crying, stroking my hand over her head, she had the softest hair in the world, and I cried even more when she looked at me, she knew I wasn't fine and that f*****g broke my heart. I didn't want her to see me like this, already f****d up from something that wasn't her fault and never should see in the first place.

"Mommy where was Uncle Buck going?" she said it sniffling, almost quiet when I couldn't answer that because I didn't even have an answer to that myself, where the f**k was Buck going?!

"I don't know baby... I don't know... but mommy is always here, no matter what happens, mommy is still going to be here..." I made a trying smile when she clearly seemed to like that answer and burrowed her head into my boobs more and made sniffling sounds from crying same as me, even if I still felt the big fat tears that was rolling down, making burning tracks from my eyes down to my neck holding my baby.

"Mommy is Uncle Buck my daddy?" my whole body froze up hearing her say that I didn't even knew she was wondering about that part, she always seemed fine with it just being me and her. I guess Buck being in our life had made bigger impacts on here than I ever would have expected.

"No, no baby... he isn't your daddy...." I stopped and looked down at her when she had her eyes open, showing off her beautiful eyes that she gotten from Jonah and I made a smile, she was so beautiful, light of my life.

"Is my daddy in heaven?" she looked at me like she really was trying to figure it out and I pulled her closer to me, snuggling her, breathing in her scent that was so f*****g calming that I was an addict on it by now, she was everything I ever needed, she was. The most important thing in my world, my baby.

"No.... no, he isn't in heaven.... Well. he is just really far away baby and.... He can't be with us that's all..." I was feeling the cold hard hurt in my chest again, if I closed my eyes I would see it, that f*****g night that I seen inside my head every time I went to sleep and then Buck had come along and made it stop, but I guess it was back to stay this time.

"Oh.... okay...." she didn't seem all too happy with that answer making me feel even worse, what was I supposed to say? That he was a kid and that he chose his wife over us? Yeah, that was never happening, over my dead body.

"don't you worry about Uncle Buck and your daddy... its going to be okay anyway, it was just you and me before and you didn't mind that did you baby?" I said it out into the air when I didn't believe myself even feeling her small body on me, she was innocent and I was the one that should have told Tom to f**k off when I saw him, not ask him to come over, I was just asking for trouble, and I knew it.

Fuck! I should have just kept my mouth shut, I called Buck's son a s****l predator, of course he wanted to f*****g kill me! I was lucky he hadn't just run me over with his truck when he took off....

"Kira?" I was saying her name when the small breath was heard and I closed my eyes having the smallest smile on my lips, at least my baby was here and... things would.... Work the way the worked out I guess.... Fucking hell....