Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 130

I don't know when the hell I had fallen asleep, but I knew it was really early when I heard the sound of truck coming up my driveway and my eyes shot opened right away.

Buck!

My heart was in my throat when I sneaked out from my bed, leaving the sleeping bundle of Kira and walking out in the same outfit I had on yesterday after just crashing, my face still looking like shit when I was barefoot and walked over the kitchens old wooden floorboards and held my arms around me. There he was.

Buck.

He was standing there, leaning against his car with his back and he looked down onto his hands like he was really wondering what he was going to say, nervous as hell because that's just how I felt when I saw him. Like I wanted to hurl my guts out when I saw his face that was tired and maybe he hadn't been sleeping like me, I knew that I had been drifting in and out all night, mostly crying and trying to be quiet not to wake up Kira.

I didn't move, not a damn inch when he looked up and our eyes where meeting over the yard, me still standing in the kitchen. My heart starting to beat so f*****g hard when he looked so sad and so was I, so f*****g sad over what had happened. I just loved him so much and I had no idea how the f**k we got here? to where I was afraid to go out and talk to him when all I wanted was to rush out the door inside his arms again where I f*****g belonged.

He started to move so I just followed, I didn't even think when he was going up slowly towards the house and I was going for the door, opening it slowly only to see him freeze up when he was on the first small step to the porch and we just stared at each other, not saying a damn word.

He was wearing something else since last night, a red flannel and a white t-shirt with jeans so I knew he had been at his house, the one he shared with his ex or... well... fuck I didn't know, he looked good as hell even if he was tired and here I was, a fucking mess like I always was when something like this happened to me, getting in fucking fights when I didn't know when to shut my mouth.

"You want some coffee?" I said it carefully when he made a small nod and I did a ghost of a smile that he didn't respond to when I was walking inside and he was following me, every step I was taking was making me even more tense, it was different today. no screaming and still it felt like this was worse, none of us wanting to speak and it was killing me.

He sat down by the table when I was putting water into the brewer and just standing there when the only sound that was around us was the small sizzling and huffing when I was still holding my arms around me in a hard cross, wishing that I at least had showered or anything before seeing him, I felt so f*****g vulnerable standing here barefooted and still looking like shit after our fight.

"Here." I just said that sitting down when he finally gave me a small smile, not a real one. Just a polite one for giving him coffee, he still was a gentleman like that. f**k.

"Thanks..." he took the cup and drank some hesitantly like he was trying to win time and I was feeling the same way, doing everything in my power of stalling what I knew what was going to happened. us, breaking or patching up, I still didn't know that f*****g outcome yet, I really didn't.

"Andrea...... before, before anything else....... I want to say something alright?" he put the cup down on the table, his grey eyes finding mine when they looked deep and serious making me put mine back too, not touching it and just holding my breath, whatever it was. It was bad.

"I fucked Sarah last night." I blinked when he looked at me ashamed and sad at the same time when I didn't get it, he fucking what!? He fucked his ex-wife that he didn't even love anymore!?

I couldn't answer him, not what I wanted to do, stand up and slap him, choke him out and scream my head off, go get my gun and shoot him for what he just told me! he had f****d his ex!

"Say something... please.... Just anything is better than this..." he was pleading me when I still was just pressing my lips together hard, it was starting to hurt now but I didn't stop because if I fucking did, I was going to start crying my eyes out and scream waking up Kira and she had seen enough shit for a lifetime at her age, she was not seeing me freak out over Buck again, over my dead body!

"What... what do you want me to say?" I was trembling, my whole body was shaking when the hard crying in my voice was pushing through the stiffness in my voice that was already betraying me, just how f*****g hurt I was, he had promised me, and he did it anyway! A f*****g changed man my a*s!

"Anything! Scream at me, tell me that I am a f*****g bastard, anything Andrea!" he was saying it desperate when I was shaking my head hard, no. no I was not giving him that, no way! He had done this all on his own, I was not going to give him that satisfaction of me screaming my head off so that he could feel better, I wasn't.

"Andrea, please.... just... just fucking look at me at least, can't you just do that baby?!" I was shaking my head again, my eyes hard and shut, scrunched to the point that my whole throat was hurting from the un-cried tears that was begging me to let them rush over my face.

"Why?" I said it almost whispering, that's all I wanted to know, was it me? wasn't I pretty enough, did he hate Kira so much that he couldn't help getting his dick inside his ex-wife that he told me hadn't loved since they were in their twenties!

"I don't know why... fuck Andrea I don't know why even... we were just talking, and I was still mad as hell at you, she kissed me..... I didn't stop her, that was just it, I was f*****g stupid, and I know it...." His voice raw and hurt when I finally looked up, heavy tears rolling silent down my cheeks, so he was just horny, was that it then!?

"Get out." I didn't want to know more and the small hope I had of us making it had been crushed and my heart was shattered, again.

"No... no just wait.... Please... I wanted to tell you, baby please I don't want to keep shit from you! I love you and..." he had followed me when I was going towards the front door, not giving him a second to even say whatever excuses he had thought up, loved me!? he ******g cheated on me! the one f*****g thing I asked him not to do and he did it anyway!

"Andrea!" he was grabbing my wrist when I just stared at him, I knew that I wouldn't get free if he didn't let me go and I watched him with all the hate in my heart had to offer, showing him exactly what I felt about what happened when he let me go seeing that I still hadn't said a word, not a damn word to his face that was lost, shocked and hurt same as me, he was getting out from my fucking house right now!

"Buck, you have exactly five seconds of getting out of my place, you can pick your shit up later or I'm calling the fucking cops on you...." I swallowed the hard lump in my throat for the third time when he was looking like he didn't want to leave anymore, I didn't give a f**k, he had cheated, he knew what I felt about that!

"Just tell me, just tell me what the fuck I can do to make this right again Andrea, I fucking love you!" he was raising his voice when I pushed him hard, making him lose his balance, taking a step back when I was still shoving him with all my might, both hands when he was outside my door, not because he couldn't take me on, because I was f*****g about to loose it if he didn't get of my f*****g property!

"Nothing, absolutely nothing Buck! You can't do shit! you hear me, we are fucking over!" I was biting it back hard when my hand was getting the ring off from my left finger and If I was a better woman, I would have given it to him, but I wasn't. I was a fucking bitch so I just tossed it at him hard, right into his chest making his face look even more horrified like he finally had gotten that I was serious. That him and me, we were fucking history.

"Andrea, no! no don't do this, I'm fucking sorry! I don't love Sarah, you of all people know that! I swear on it! I loved you when I bought this ring and that was our second date!" he was yelling it through the door when I slammed it in his face and started to cry, loud and uncontrollable, why was he still here!?

"Just fucking leave Buck! go back and fuck Sarah one more fucking time, have another fucking kid while you are at it!" I was screaming it back when I had forgotten that Kira was going to hear me but I couldn't resist it when I walked over to the bedroom and cursed so many times when I was taking my phone, ready to call the cops on his a*s when I heard the truck taking off and I fell down onto the bed, Kira turning in her sleep when I was drained, thanking God that she didn't hear me, us. F**k.

Fuck you Buck! I was screaming it inside my head, why the fuck did he do this to me, why!? I was turning around in the bed too, crying softly when I couldn't sleep, he was the third guy that had cheated on me, what the fuck was wrong with me anyway?? He was over at her house all the time, or it was their house. the one the had built together and lived in for over twenty years, why was I so fucking stupid thinking he was getting over her, only because Ryan didn't want me and Jonah.... I was crying so hard when I felt Kira around me and I pulled her closer, I was so f*****g thankful I had her, she was my gift in life, my everything.

"Don't be sad mommy, I don't like it when you are sad..." her small voice making me cry more, fuck I was the worst mother ever, making my baby sad and I couldn't keep my shit together, I said no more guys and what the f**k did I do?? I just walked right into the trap of Bucks arms, his smile and charming ways, I was so f*****g stupid!

"I know baby, but I am sad... I'm sad because Uncle Buck isn't coming to live here anymore... okay?" I looked down at her face when she looked surprised at me and I didn't know if she was pleased or not over that, she loved Buck but when he started to move here... well f**k... she wasn't the angel she looked like towards him, and I knew that too...

"But I like Uncle Buck..." she started to cry too when I kissed her head, yeah, we all loved Buck and he f*****g blew it, and not even on something good, just the same woman he had been fucking for half his life, what a fucking waste.

"I know baby... I know... but he can't stay here anymore, alright?" I hated that I had to say that, because it was breaking my own heart just as much as it was hers when she shook her head like she didn't want to hear that, fuck I hated him even more now, he hadn't just taken my heart, my baby's too.

"NO, I WANT UNCLE BUCK!" she was shrieking it when she started to fight me like it was my fault that he had left and I was too tired to fight her and just let her go, I didn't know what to do anymore, f*****g hell I was so lost.

"Kira!?" I was screaming it from the bedroom when she hadn't made a sound in about five minutes and all my mom senses where tingling, where the fuck did that girl go!?

"Kira!!?" I was up and out on the yard looking after her after checking the house, it had only been a couple of minutes, how the f**k did she move that fast?? She wasn't even the fastest kid in her day care!?

I was just going for my car when I saw Bucks truck coming in the distance and I just started to run, not even waiting to get to the yard when I ripped the door open, not giving a shit about Buck and took Kira out, sitting there in her nightgown and looking like she was happy, I was going to fucking kill her!

"Kira Marybeth Wilson! you are not getting another piece of candy from me, you hear me! oh and I am..." I stopped when I heard Buck that was coughing clearly wanting me to stop when Kira was making a pouting face like she didn't get why she was being punished at all.

"I found Uncle Buck!" she said it happy, proud even when she was beaming still in my arms when my breath was just getting back to normal, running like I was crazy down the gravel road barefoot, fuck those stones hurt! "Thanks Buck..." I said it dryly when his smile disappeared in an instance, if he believed that him bringing Kira back to me made us somewhat f*****g equal than he was wrong, so f*****g wrong!

"Yeah.... I was... I just wanted to tell you something and I saw her... running on the road and..." he looked at Kira like he really wanted to say something more but couldn't because she was her when I narrowed my eyes, he better not start some shit with my baby listening!

"aren't you going to live with us Uncle Buck?" Kira was struggling, already making her way toward the seat again, climbing when I couldn't stop her and looked at her and Buck tired when she was in his lap now and looking like an angel wanting him to answer when we exchanged looks before he swallowed and made a trying smile towards her.

"No, no... I'm sorry princess. I did something bad.... and mommy is angry at me..." he stopped when I raised my eyebrows, arms crossed staring at him frowning, oh he sure f*****g did that bastard!

"Have you said you're sorry!?" Kira was staring at him accusing when he made a fake small laughter and nodded like he had when she blossomed out into a big smile and looked at me happy. "Mommy, he said he was sorry!" she made a beaming smile that was more than enough to make me melt anytime, but not today. No. the hurt in my heart was way too f*****g deep to just forgive and forget. "You say sorry, then you hug and kiss!" Kira was giggling when I made a small eyeroll to Bucks grin, oh I bet he wished that, fuck no. I wasn't kissing his cheating mouth that had been with his ex, just last night.

"I can kiss you princess..." he was attacking her showing just why I loved him so much, he was great at this, he was a good dad, the best and he would have been great with Kira and now it was all ruined because he couldn't keep his d**k inside his pants. "Now mommy!" Kira was shrieking it when Buck looked up at me, he was laughing having that grin on his face that I loved, made me feel so fucking special and .... No... I made another sigh.... Did I still love him? fuck yes... could I forgive him? I had no idea... but not now, no.... I couldn't even see myself doing that... I just couldn't.

"Yeah, I know baby, but I can't forgive him..." I stopped when Buck looked really hurt, whatever hope he had gotten from this had been crushed from me saying that when Kira made a frown and I took her when Buck held her out to me when she started to fuss and he looked at me like he was going to say something, but he didn't, fuck. Why did he have to look like he was really sorry? It changed nothing.

"I love you Kira..." he leaned over kissed Kira's head when she started to cry seeing that Buck was closing the door on us and started to back up making me want to start to cry all over again, he said he loved Kira. I had never heard him say that. ever.

He was turning around, seeing that he was just about to drive away when I met his eyes with mine and he stopped the car right on the spot seeing my eyes that was so f*****g confused, I was longing for him, I was. I loved him and... f**k I didn't know... why the fuck did he had to fuck his ex-wife for!?

He was already out when I walked up and stared at him, both of us just standing there, wanting more but it was hard, so f*****g hard after what he had done.

"Kira, you want to play on my phone?" I said it giving it over when I had pushed out the game when she was shrieking, Buck helping her up into the truck and pulling out the keys, good choice, I wouldn't trust her not to do something stupid when she was there alone. None of us speaking when I made a big sigh, this was going great than.