Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 162

over!

I had walked outside the sliding glass doors onto the big yard, overlooking the covered pool, holding my arms around me, feeling sorry for myself. Why was my life always so f*****g unfair!? I must have done some bad shit for what I have now; life keeps screwing me "Why don't you ever cry in front of me, Buck? I mean, you love me, right?!" I was standing with my back against him when he walked after me slower than he used to, he didn't want to be out here and talk, and I knew that. Still, I needed to know what the f**k was wrong with me that made it so damn hard to show emotions and not just tell them to me. I felt so f*****g hurt by that!

"You haven't given me a reason to cry yet, baby..." he made a grin when I sneered, turning. That was a stupid answer; of course, I had! I had cheated on him, made him kill and bury a guy, giving him a lot more heartache than he probably never had from Sarah. "Yeah, sure.... Buck, let's be honest here? You love me, and I know that, but you love her too, and I hate that. I hate that I'm jealous, but I am, you guys share this deep connection, and I can't compete with that; it's not just the crying part. She was your wife, and you have known her all your life. What the f**k am I compared to that?!" I was already blinking, fighting my own tears. I know I was a hypocrite, me being jealous of Buck and Sarah when I had told him, in his face, that I was still in love with Jonah, but that was different! Jonah wasn't there for me, day after f*****g day like she was to him. It was just me! f*****g Andrea, that wasn't here for the last twenty years for him to get to know and cry in front of. I wanted that. I would have killed for that! "Okay, you're right, I love her. she is the mother of my children, and she was my best friend growing up, so yeah. I love her." Buck made a serious face and a deeper voice when I just lost my air, giving up! See, he did love her! at least he was brave enough to admit it, finally!

"Good.... I'm glad, really, Buck... I am..." I didn't want to fight anymore, and how he looked at me told me that he was tired too, already having a fight, and me too; this was a f*****g disaster. I had no idea why he kept thinking that it would be a great idea to bring me here when I couldn't handle it. I just couldn't.

"No, you're not. I'm not happy hearing you are telling me, Andy, that you still have feelings for that fucking kid! Don't you think I'm hurting over that? haven't I made clear that I love you more than I ever loved anyone, and having to listen to that shit, is breaking my heart... Andrea... just.... Just tell me what is really bothering you here, don't just start another fight tonight. It's Christmas, and I want to have one night where my family is not trying to kill each other." Buck stopped talking when I felt worse. He was right. He always was that goddam bastard. f**k.

"Fine. This baby might be Jonah's, Buck." I said it fast, my head faced down, feeling like shit; this was it. This was the last straw that would break the back of Buck, which was so fucking strong, but even he couldn't take that. Me having another baby with Jonah. That wasn't fair, and I knew that, but still. There it was.

"Alright... so... that is what this is about then?" Buck walked over when I saw his boots coming into my sight, and I slightly nodded and sniffled. Yeah, I guess it was.... Or... fuck I didn't know; it all was a mess, wasn't it?

"Andy, baby... I may be just a stupid redneck, but I do know how that works, and I have three kids. You don't think I didn't know that you fucked him at thanksgiving, and that was four weeks ago, baby. I didn't know that you would tell me like this... shit...." He made a chuckle when I felt the first tear fall over my cheeks, so he knew then. Knew what a goddam stupid whore I was for not even using protection with the same guy that had screwed me over so many times. "Fucking hell... Buck.... I'm scared...." I said it honestly; I was so scared that Jonah would make me do a damn paternity test and show that he was the father again. This time, I wasn't going to be happy over it, he still wanted to take my Kira, and if I had another one with him, I can't imagine the outcome would be any different.

"Same." I felt his hands on my face, lifting me up in the big yard, Christmas decorations everywhere. Sarah had really made it beautiful out here, even if I missed the snow, and I did, at least during this time of year.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for just... fucking him and not even fighting back... I should have said no... I should have made him use a fucking condom, but I didn't; Buck... fuck was so angry and..." my lips felt Bucks against mine when he pulled me close, making me kiss him more, still feeling the tears falling. He may not have been perfect when Mitch was a baby, but he sure was now. He was perfect for me, my missing part.

"Buck...." I was taking a small, surprised breath from the sudden kiss and the warmth in his eyes. Didn't he want to leave me, scream at me for being so f*****g stupid, tell me that he couldn't do this anymore?

"Andy..." he made a wider grin, rubbing his big slowly over my back, trying to calm me down. Why didn't he say anything? I was so confused about everything.

"I'm not leaving, and we are still having a baby, and that is so fucking fantastic. Who cares what happened? Shit happens, Andy, and you just roll with it, alright, babe?" He chuckled when I nodded slowly, and staring at him in awe, he didn't care. I mean, he cared. But he didn't hate me for it, wasn't going to blow up and give me shit, he was happy....and I was that too. I really was. No matter what.

"Yeah, it's fucking fantastic.... I'm happy, Buck, I really am...." I made a trying smile when he chuckled, showing the lines around his eyes. I loved that about him; every part of Buck was magical. I didn't want to change a thing about him, not even the lines around his eyes or the grey in his hair, he was the best man in the world, and nobody could tell me different.

"Good, that makes me happy, you and me having a baby, just celebrating Christmas with my wife and kids, all of them..." he moved his hand down to my stomach, making me feel better; yeah, he was right. This was our baby, not Jonah's. He could go screw himself, I was happy with Buck, and nothing would change that!

"Okay, Buck, let's go celebrate...." I giggled when he kissed me and held his arm around me. This was the best day of my life. My husband, that loved me was holding me, having a baby, and celebrating Christmas with a family that didn't hate me... that much... still was better than spending time with my parents.

"I love you, Bucky..." He made a wink opened the sliding door, and took my hand. Walking inside, seeing Kira sitting with Sarah, of all people, and she looked up, she smiled this time, and I smiled back, for the sake of the fucking holiday spirit. I wasn't going to hate her, and she held Kira, showing her something in a book. She wasn't that bad, I guess... she was just... Sarah.

"Mommy, look!" Kira showed me the book when I made a big smile; yeah, I saw it, and she looked proud, showing Sarah that made her smile before looking down into the book again. Buck was a fucking miracle worker, and he just was.

"I'm starving.... please can we eat soon or what?" Jared had come down from his room, making me smile. Yeah, he was here to.... The middle child, the one who stayed out of trouble and didn't want to be here.

"Hey Jared, Merry Christmas..." I made a trying smile when he looked up, he looked like Sarah, just having Bucks colors, and to my surprise, he did make a small smile seeing me. Jared didn't hate me, not as Mitch did, and I guess he didn't care that much, having his one life away from here.

"Hey, Andrea... heard dad knocked you up; sure you want to have another kid, seeing that you are..." he stopped seeing Bucks frown, making me smirk, older? I was happy to be that older.

"Yeah... I am....... I know you all are grown up, but I hope we can be a family, no matter how weird this is...." I said it honestly when Jared made a nod as he got it, and Buck kissed my cheek, making my heart beat faster. I loved him so much, and this was his life, my life too, and I needed to stop fighting back so much, he wasn't Jonah, and I didn't need to keep my guard up all the time. It was.... Weird.

"It's not weird, I don't think so, at least...." Sophia made a smile looking up from her phone, and I snorted. Yeah, I guess not, but it was to me. I mean, this was hard for Buck and Sarah and for me. All of us.

"Alright.... I just want to say, right now, that I am grateful that you all are home and that we are getting a new baby. I know that it will not be easy and that I am.... Older... but... Andy and I are not sorry for having this baby, and I hope that you all can accept that because there will be another Underwood soon enough...." Buck looked proud, and I did, too; this is why I loved him. He could pull us together. We all needed him, the knot tying us together; no matter how hard it was, he could do it. Buck Underwood is a miracle worker.

"I'm grateful that it's not me this time.... Good luck, Andrea.... Buck's babies are big...." Sarah made a smile that made me laugh, which I had no doubt about.

"Thanks, I mean it, Sarah...." I said it felt so much better than when I walked out from the house, she and I .... Maybe we never would be friends, but we could be... something... I don't fucking know... I never wanted to have a relationship with Sky, so I didn't blame her for not wanting one with me.

"Mitch, you want to say something?" Buck turned his gaze over to his oldest son, that hadn't said a word, and he was the only one that still didn't seem happy. Everyone else was trying the best they could, but not him did.

"No." His grey eyes shifted to me, making me feel worse again, he was suffering, and he was taking it out on us, all of us.... Shit... I wanted to help him, but f*****g how? He was allied with Jonah, and I sure as hell wasn't going to make him confess to being gay when he didn't want to; that was his thing and not mine, no matter how bad of a person that made me.

"Okay then, good.... Because right now. It's Christmas and no more drama. I'm serious, Mitch, you keep your tongue tied and don't make princess Kira learn something new, at least for today, alright?" Buck was pinning Mitch down when he was staring back, challenging for about two seconds before backing down and nodding like he got it made my heart clench again, f*****g Jonah. Ruining people's lives everywhere!

"Yeah, got it, dad." He said it heavy when I made a small smile at him. It was something at least, and hey, it was Christmas no matter what you thought about it, he was here, with his family, and that was good, even for me.

"Good, now... Sarah, I'm starving." Buck chuckled when she looked up, making a smile, and I felt the small pinch in my stomach that I was trying so hard to ignore. He didn't love her, and he loved me.

Me.