Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 167

Twin boys.

shocked

I was looking closely at the small picture; I was having twin boys. I was sure it would be another girl, still staring at the photo sitting in the truck. Buck looked like he had done something illegal and gotten away with it, smiling like he didn't know how to stop to my "Alright. Alright. This is something we need to f*****g celebrate, Andrea. We are having twins, and they are boys!" Buck made a real snicker, chuckling when I was looking up, still lost for words.

face.

"Andy, are you listening to me?" Buck was chuckling when he made me look at him, his hand gently moving my face by holding my jaw lightly.

"We need a bigger house." Buck was staring at me like he didn't believe I just said that when he was grinning at me, he looked younger, like he was in his twenties, the way he was glowing. I was still amazed at how much he loved this, us having babies, as in plural. "Yeah, you bet your pretty ass we do. I'm going to take one of those bigger contracts that I usually haven't taken since I meet you, but.... Andrea... shit, we need money and a bigger place...." He was smirking when I was smiling now. Buck was already thinking about the future. He didn't just come around when I was in labor and fight me. No, he was there with me all the way.

"Oh, Buck.... Oh god, look at me, I'm huge, and I need to work. I don't know how we will make it, but I can't carry boxes until I give birthright?" He stopped smiling immediately, making me regret saying he was severe, making me gulp. Oh shit, he wasn't going to tell me to quit, wasn't he, just like Jonah had tried to make me do?

"What if you stop doing the stuff you have people for, like making Tilly do more than run her mouth? You are too kind, Andrea. Seriously, baby. I wouldn't have accepted that, nope." Buck was frowning when I made a small smile, feeling embarrassed. Yeah, I knew he wouldn't. Buck wasn't the kind of man to let someone slack off, and... I got that, him being an ex-military and other shit he didn't want to tell me, no matter what he told me.

"I know... I know that Buck... I will be more careful and do deskwork, I swear... Tilly is going to hate me, but...." He started to smile hearing that when I made a snort beginning to giggle. Yeah, she was going to hate me so bad. Was I a bad boss? James always was such a hardass, and I wanted to.... F**k. I stopped laughing.... F**k.... I wanted to tell James I just realized, oh god, I felt sick, nausea pushing up like I had been eating something bad when Buck looked worried at me, still not even putting his keys inside the truck. "I miss him, Buck... I miss James... I was thinking that I wanted to tell him, me having twins, and he would be happy, he would be, even if he would kill the one that knocked me up, he always was happy for me, loved me...." I took the tissues out from the glovebox and started crying, feeling even worse. I was crying over a murderer, a real f*****g cold-blooded one. Still, I just missed him, I didn't even miss Kayla this much, and I had known her all my life before she disappeared on me! "Andy... shit... I know you miss him; I mean, I didn't know him as you did.... And yeah....I'm still not sorry, baby, I'm not...." I was shaking my head, no, I knew that, still bawling my eyes out. I didn't miss that part of him either, but the other part was when he was my friend, my support. I just wanted that back.

"It's fine.... I'm fine.... really Buck..." I looked up, giving him a smile that not even I was buying when his sad face made me cry again, fuck I really was a mess, wasn't I?! I was mourning a man who didn't deserve it and couldn't stop it.

"No...no, you're not fine...... Andrea..... I love you baby, but you are not fine...." Buck had his hand on my back, stroking it slowly, the warmth giving me comfort, but I knew that the big hole inside me would never be filled by anything. Not after James. "I think it's time we let you talk to someone.... Not me.... Or Sarah or however the hell listens... someone that can help you, baby, I really want you to feel better, and I can't help you with that... not really...." Buck was sounding guilty when he shouldn't be, He was protecting me, and I owed him my life, my heart, my happiness, everything.

"Yeah... yeah... I don't know.... What the fuck am I supposed to say? I saw my friend get shoot by my husband, and we buried him in secret?" I was making a scoff in the middle of all the snot and tears that had fallen. I couldn't tell anyone. No, this was my shit to carry, my punishment for not saving James, seeing what he was before it was too late. I should have done something..... maybe he would have been alive today and not at the bottom of an old closed lake that tourists never saw.

"You tell them that you saw your friend die and that you were at the funeral; that is enough, Andy, please... I want the best for you, I'm not Jonah, and I know that shit is not going to fix itself. Honestly, I don't know how the fuck you are even functioning as a human being after all the shit you told me happened, and that was before you met me!" Buck was clenching his jaw, getting upset over what I had told him, making me stare at him tired. Yeah, I didn't get that either. I guess I just had to survive. "That is just messed up. I know I'm not any better, baby! He made you see a man get executed, and then he just thought that was normal. That is not fucking normal! I don't like killing, you know that, right!? I'm not some f*****g psychopath that cleans my hands. I had nightmares for years after I was in Iraq, shit! I still have them...." Buck was panting, raising his voice, almost growling like he had been waiting to tell me that for so long.

"You have nightmares?" I don't know why that was the only thing that stuck when he suddenly fell back to the seat like he was exhausted, making me feel worried. Shit, he really did have nightmares still. Why hadn't he told me?

"Yeah, yeah.... You are just a really heavy sleeper... I'm serious baby... and I'm grateful for that...." He made a small smile, trying to lighten the mood when I made a small one, too. Oh fuck, things were so weird. I wanted to be this normal person, but after Jonah... I don't know... I had no fucking clue what was really ordinary. I didn't even think of going to the cops and telling them Buck had killed James. Nope. I just helped him cover his tracks and didn't even fucking question it.... Wow.

"I'm going to talk to someone Buck.... I will.... I just.... I'm scared and don't want to tell them anything that might get back. I know it's all secrets and shit, but.... I don't want more people to die, not because of me...." I was stuttering just like I did when I was married to Ryan, meeting Jonah, just a foolish, babbling woman.

"You only tell them what you want, and I know some people.... They are not going to talk, Andrea. They are professionals, okay?" I looked at him, seeing those warm gray eyes that made me feel better instantly. Oh god, I loved him. So much.

"Okay, Buck." I didn't say anything more when he was pleased and took my hand, kissing it, making me smile more, those wonderful lips finding mine when I pulled closer, feeling his hand on my belly, having twin boys, that still was amazing.

"I love you, Andrea, and I want to protect you from anything, even from the inside...." Buck was leaning his forehead against mine, making me sigh. Yeah... he really loved me. He did; there was never a question about that. He had done more than any other guy would do; any average man would have run for the hills by now, but he wasn't normal. He was f****d up, same as me.

"I love you, Buck, I can't wait to live with you for the rest of my life, and I'm so happy that you are mine, my husband, and my everything.... I was smiling when he grinned back. He loved hearing that. I knew that the old cheating bad boy of this time, with gray in his temples and small wrinkled around his eyes, was mine, and nobody was changing that.

"That's great because you're stuck with me...." He was chuckling when I made a snort, kissing him fast, yeah, I was, and he was stuck with me, but that was his problem.

"Okay.... let's just get home... and work on how the hell we are going to have room for these boys, and I have no idea how we are going to be able to afford everything, but I don't care. I just want to be a family, Kira and our twins, they are all I need...." I know I should have said his kid's names too, but.... Oh, shit, I didn't even want to think about that right now.... That was a whole other conversation to have with Buck.

"Yeah... it's going to be difficult... and fun... just wait till I tell the guys that they finally have some brothers. Jared always wanted one, got pissed when we had Sophia...." He was chuckling, making me follow. Yeah, I sure they was.... Only like fifteen years too late... I was his second wife... God, it was such a cliché. Me having kids with him when he had an older one.

"Yeah.... Yeah, it will be great, Buck, they will be happy...." I was trying to sound happy; I didn't know how glad Mitch would be. He still had some fascination for Jonah... I mean, I still had it when he was around. He was dangerous like that, always had been. "Fuck yeah, they are going to be! I'm fucking happy, Andy. Look at me!" Buck was kissing me again, glad we had left the heavier shit to rest. I didn't want to think anymore about that. I just wanted to be happy with Buck and live happily ever after. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

"Let's go home, Andy, baby, and tell the good news, and then we will celebrate. I don't care what we call this, but we are celebrating this, Andy. I might even ask the boys to come home over the break!" Buck was grinning, driving out, and singing along to the country station when I was laughing, trying to ignore the feeling in my chest telling me that something terrible was going to happen. I was happy, Buck was ecstatic, and Jonah hadn't shown his face. Oh yeah. Something was up.