Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 180

My phone had at least thirty messages, unopened from Buck when I made a groan, making the last turn on the highway, following the monotone voice of the woman from the dashboard; been driving three days, and I was on the last stretch seeing that skylight in the distance making my stomach twist.

Home.

Shit.

Kira was finally asleep with the twins after crying more than I ever thought possible. She was inconsolable, leaving her home, and so was I. There was no doubt about that part when we had just taken off, us leaving everything. Filling in my reassignment on the first road stop and contacting a lawyer about Buck and me getting a divorce... yeah, that still hurt like hell... the rain kept falling, making me drive slower. There was no way I was going any faster with the only things in my life that kept me going, the crying babies and the even more crying dark-headed girl.

"New message from Buck." I sighed when the voice told me the same thing it had done since I took off. He was going to kill me when Mitch woke up and told him that it was Tom that had made him into a package, not being able to use his arms for months, I supposed. I bet he could kiss that career as a footballer goodbye.

I should feel sorry for him, but I didn't. that was the god-honest truth when the skyline was getting closer, making me gulp. This was going to be painful for the Browns and me when Jonah came around because I had no doubt he would. I bet he was thrilled that son of a bitch that I was bringing his kids closer, even if he didn't have the guts to own the in public as he should, not around that mother of his anyway!

My teeth clenched when the following message from Buck came up, making me snap. What the fuck did he want me anyway!? He didn't know that the twins were his, and I didn't break the f*****g arms of Mitch. No matter what, I didn't owe him shit! "Open!" I was too pissed off to care anymore when the voice sounded ridiculous, as Buck's message wasn't even spelled correctly. I know it wasn't, and he wasn't stupid. Just lazy.

"Andrea, you listen closely now. I want to tell you something and... well... just pick up the damn phone, won't ya?!" that stupid idiot, what did he think would happen if I answered? He had nothing on me. I was just one of his stupid girlfriends, in the end, being beaten by the only woman he really gave a shit about, his real wife, that wasn't me!

I was rifling through the glove compartment, finding my earpiece, knowing that Buck was going to scream, and so was I, but you know what, I didn't care; as soon as I could find a stop after the highway, I was getting off, and he was going to know what I felt about him and his high fucking horses, the almighty Buck Underwood that thought that if he told you something you would do it, well no fucking more!

Sliding into a bigger gas station, walking outside in the rain, cursing while locking my car, taking the pump when the call was coming through, the signals of Buck not picking up fast enough was pissing me off even more. So fucking typical! He was the one calling me, and now suddenly, he wasn't in the mood to f*****g talk or what!?

I was just about to give up, calling Buck all kinds of names, when the call connected, and even if he didn't say a damn word, my heart stopped. Like everything I had been thinking when I was angry, all gone hearing that familiar breathing on the other side. "Andy..." he didn't sound angry anymore, same as me making me break whatever shield I told me that I would hold up when I heard him. this was Buck we were talking about. I still fucking loved him, no matter what had happened. I did, and it was killing me! "Bucky...." That was the worst part, still standing here by the gas pump and staring into the void, people moving around me like they didn't even notice how broken I was, the man I loved, my husband that had sworn with all his heart that he would be there for me, gone in the blink of an eye.

He made a grin. I knew he did hear me call him that. I don't even know when I started saying that stupid name. I knew he was mine, and now he had told me that Sarah needed him more than me, just because he wasn't the father of my twins, or at least believed he wasn't!

"What do you want!?" my patience was already spent, here I was, standing in the pouring rain in a dress that was not meant for the colder temperatures and three kids sleeping in my car that was taking me back to the place I had escaped from, and now I had to go back, and it was all his fault!

"I want to know you are okay... that's all, that you are okay and Kira and..." he stopped like it was hard to say the twin boys suddenly making me frown, squinting my eyes when the pump back out and I put it back, making sure that I was still under the roof when Buck was still having trouble saying anything, like this call was worse for him than it was for me that selfish bastard.

"I'm okay, the boys are sleeping, and Kira is okay even if she can't stop crying after you. Do you get that, Buck?! You did this to me, us, and ... yeah, well f**k you!" I was annoyed and just about to hang up on his ear, Buck had no idea how heartbroken he had left me, but I wasn't his only victim. No, it was Kira, too, and he wasn't getting spared from that!

"Wait! Wait, I just want to tell you this and... shit, my princess..." he stopped again when I walked around the car slowly, trying to get some fucking air down my lungs because right now it felt like I was suffocated standing in the damp rain that was still coming down hard.

"She isn't anything of yours, so.... Let's just make this easy, won't we, Buck? I'll send you the divorce papers, and I'm selling the house, so you can go back and live with Sarah." Buck wasn't saying anything, making me even more annoyed. Did he fucking mute me, or did he mute himself? What the fuck was going on with him anyway!?

I unlocked and walked inside the car, locking it again, rolling down just the slightest so I could sit there, listening against my better judgment at that backstabbing bastard that I still loved.

"Buck, for fuck sake! Just spit it out! you wanted to tell me something, and here I am waiting on your dumb ass to say something!" I was hissing it when Kira turned restless like she could hear me talking to Buck. I was praying she didn't wake up because if she did, so would the whole damn car.

"Yeah...yeah you are right... you are always right..." He was breathing heavier now, and I was holding my breath, was he drunk or what? Did he call me because he got some stupid regrets when he was out and about, celebrating getting rid of me!? I wanted to hit something, clenching my fits back and forth, feeling my nails dig deeper inside my hands. I should just hang up. Why did I even bother listening to his shit? He didn't care about me in the end. Nobody did...

"Andy, please.... Just listen first and.... Then you can tell me to go to hell or whatever you had planned...." Buck was snorting, making a deeper breath at my frown. Was he crying, so it was him being drunk and crying in the middle of the night? That was just great! "You know what, no. Whatever it is, I don't want to fucking hear it anymore! Just because you got drunk and felt sorry for yourself doesn't mean I have to take that shit anymore.

Go and cry to that perfect drunk wife of yours instead!" I stopped, my eyes catching the movement of the first twin, his lips shaking the slightest, fuck! I was going to kill Buck for doing this to me!

"I'm not drunk, Andrea, just.... I don't know.... Fucked up...." He made a chuckle that broke my heart. That sounded like it did in the hospital when he told me he wanted a divorce. Oh shit.... What the fuck why did I have to love him? Why couldn't I just f****d and leave him the first time I saw him? So f*****g stupid, Andrea!

"Yeah... aren't we all...." I didn't even try to sound happy. He was just a ray of sunshine, like me, to broken-down people trying to say something that was so f*****g hard when it wasn't supposed to be.

"Andy, I.... I just want to tell you that I do love you, more than anything, more than Sarah, and... well, shit, I did wrong. I should never have said those things to you; it wasn't fair, and ... I'm no better than that stupid kid that hired me to take care of you...." He faded out when I saw my own eyes dilate in shock over what the fuck he was telling me, still sniveling. Take care of me!? The kid!? Oh please, dear god, don't let that be who I thought it was!

"Buck, you better not be fucking telling me that Jonah hired you to take care of me!?" I was out the door, locking it again, and started to scream into the air, because what the fuck could I do!? Held my head and tried to make sense of what he just had told me because I knew he was telling me the truth. Buck didn't lie about shit, not like Jonah!

"I'm sorry.... I'm so fucking sorry, baby... I didn't know it at first! It wasn't until James had taken you that he told me I never got a name or anything, Andy. You got to believe me! I just was in love with you, and I didn't care about some stupid job making a few grand when we started to date!" Buck was shouting it back, trying to overpower me, crying and the rain, still leaning against the car, already exhausted, so everything was a lie, everything!?

"So that's it then, it was all just a fucking job?! Did you get extra cash if you fucked me or what!?" I didn't know what to think anymore. All this time, I had believed that I had lived my life far away from Jonah and his influence, and it turned out that the same guy I married was one of his f*****g goons!

"No! No, that is not what happened! I told you that I knew I loved you on our second date, and I bought that ring you are still having for the money he paid me with. I didn't care anymore, Andy, please!" He was begging me, getting desperate when I had closed my eyes, listening to the rain, leaning my head back, and having my arms crossed. My whole damn life was a fucking lie. It was.

"You right, Buck... I still have that ring on...." I looked down at my left hand. So stupid! So, fucking stupid Andrea! You should have tossed that ring back at him harder, hoping it would kill him if I got lucky the first time. He went back to that drunk perfect whore! "Whatever we had, Buck, it's over," I said it cold when I let the ring slide off my finger and stared at it for a few seconds with suspicious eyes. How could something that was supposed to make me the happiest woman on earth bring me so much sorrow? "Don't say that! Don't fucking say that, please! I don't care what happened with everything, even Mitch. I didn't know what he was doing. Nobody was! All I know is I want to be with you and our kids. I love you!" Buck was up now, I could hear it like he was walking outside, and I snorted. So what!? So f*****g what that he loved me! He lied to me, and he chose Sarah over me twice!

"Goodbye, Andrew." I heard him shout something on the other side when I hung up and tossed the ring out into the pouring rain, hoping with all my heart that it would wash it away and bury it forever.

I got into the car again, wiping my face; maybe it was stupid, all of it, going back here when I knew what was going to happen, everybody, that wanted to use me, telling me it was for my own good and my kids.

I was whining, looking back at the sleeping angels, the best thing that ever had happened to a stupid bitch like me, and here I was to serve them on a silver platter to the same guy that ruined my and their lives.

Meeting my red-cried eyes, what was I expecting returning to Jonah? Because let's be honest here, Andrea, that is what you are fucking doing! You should know better, he is never going to leave that homeland girl, and you know that! I was cursing at myself when the stupid tears kept coming, over Buck, over what he had told me, and that no matter what I did, I was always chosen second.

"you get yourself together, you stupid bitch!" snapping the mirror back with determination, I knew that whatever I did in the future, the most important thing was my children and the rest of the world, including Buck and Jonah, could go f**k themself. Turning on the busy gas station, I took a deep breath and turned out again, seeing the city skyline as I left whatever of what was left of Andrea Wilson.

Part Three Chapter 181

My foot was tapping on the old wooden floor. I needed this really bad when I looked up nervously at the woman coming towards me, smiling to my relief, oh please f*****g God tell me that she had good news for me!

"So, Mrs. Larsen, we have good news....." She smiled brightly when I just stared at her face, so I was hired then? Oh please, god, tell me that I was f*****g hired and I didn't need to rely on Tom anymore, or my kids for that matter.... The shame was so intense. I was trying to make it suitable for them; Kira is the hardest. She wasn't used to living in town when she had a whole house and a daddy back in Buck's hometown. Here I was in a suburb of my own, not making it further, even if I had ensured that I wasn't using my real name. Tom had been helping me get some new IDs, and he disapproved of me being alone with three kids. Still, he had promised me, on Mary's life, that he wouldn't snitch me out to anyone.

That was the only thing I needed, sitting here and trying to correct the same dress that fitted me well two months ago, now being loose. I hated it. I didn't choose to lose weight; I was not eating enough, I just didn't feel it, and it made me stop feeding my boys, whom I had named my own Noah and James. Yes, I was aware that I called my son James. However, I wasn't going to change that; I still missed him, missed my best friend.

"It seems it all checks out, and your word count per minute is good... so yes, we are expecting you to start this Monday if that's good?" the older woman that was retiring made me smile back at her, yes! Thank fucking good for Tom. He was the best, he really was, and I had no idea how I ever would have made it this far without him. He really was a good friend.

"Yes, that sounds fantastic, Mrs. Keel. Thank you so much, and I won't let you or this company down!" I was trying so hard not to jump up and down at the small desk I was seated at, feeling more like I had been on trial when she questioned me. The older woman tried to get me to break down, but that was not happening!

"Good, now.... You sign here and...." She looked up when I was scribbling my name, almost signing Andrea Wilson like a stupid idiot when my name on the paper was Theresa Larsen, making a small frown when the older woman made a slight smile seeing my concentration over the stupid inkdot I had made when I started to write an A. so f*****g stupid.

"Ah.... I see that you are nervous, don't be. I promise that as long as you work well, nobody will look down on you, working with small children, I mean...." She made a slight frown like that was an issue, for her maybe, not for me; that was on my second divorce and trying to shake the same people haunting me, both the fathers of my kids hunting me down for their own selfish reasons!

"Yes, sorry about that.... I just really need this...." I hated that I said that like she couldn't see that. I mean, my clothes were shit and my shoes too. This place looked way too sharp for how I was right now, unpolished and still talking with a southern accent that I didn't seem to be able to shake, no matter how much I didn't want to have it anymore.

"Yes, I understand.... It's a busy job, and you have all this responsibility... what did you tell me that happened to your husband again?" she tried to sound casual when I knew she was checking to see if she could catch my lies when I made a sad smile, really selling my sob story when I sure as hell didn't want anyone connecting the parts about me being Andrea Wilson and not the name that was one her papers.

"Oh, he died.... yeah, he was a great man, drowned when he was out fishing...." I looked even sadder because I was thinking about James. I had been doing that for a long while, my conscious feeling worse every day; I knew he was an evil man. Still, he wasn't the worst guy I had ever met, no matter what he had done.... Fuck I missed him so much, he would have had my back more than anyone, and he didn't have to.... Fuck.... Now I wanted to cry when the woman looked sad too, making me feel the slightest better, seeing she was buying my lies. Good.

"So sorry to hear that... such a shame, leaving you and the children, they need a father no doubt...." She was mumbling the last part when I made a sneer. Yeah, so what if they did?! I didn't need another man to f**k my life up, not Jonah being able to let me go and not Buck, that had been lying all this time about why he had been stalking me to get a date; I knew I wasn't his f*****g type!

"So, I'm going to the registry, and when you come this Monday, just make sure to be ready. We are turning people at a great rate if you aren't up to speed; I'm afraid that your spot could go to one of our... younger talents....." I nodded, be ready and look out for the younger people coming to take my place; the story of my fucking life, I had no problem with that. I needed to get a paycheck and not just eat once a day or less to ensure that Kira was fed and that I had baby formula for my boys. That was the only thing that mattered.

"Right." I was staring out over the big building. I could do this. I didn't even sell the house; Buck would find out where I was in a heartbeat, he would and I wasn't stupid. He did shit before he met me, when he was in the military and Jonah was no better, that was the worst part; the problem wasn't when he would find me, but how long it would take him... I sighed, and the woman commented on my outfit, and I made another nod, yeah, I knew that I looked like shit, nowhere near the standard they wanted me to have, and I had no money, great.

I was walking back home, going onto the train coming on, feeling the slightest better. I had a job, and that was a good start. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I could do this. I could, and I had to.

The sun was out when I made an annoyed face, took my shades on, left the train, and walked out to the small paved way that was full of people; the city was way too crowded for my taste these days when I made a curse, hearing the phone I had gotten from Thom, he was the only one that had that number, and I sure didn't want his best friend to get it. I had told him straight to his face that if he gave Jonah my info, I would never talk to him again, curse his name and say to every girl that he was shitty in bed! "Thomas...." I was slightly out of breath when the crying was heard on the other side. He was trying so hard to not lose patience, but it wasn't like having just Kira, and she was on edge all the time, not knowing why we had to leave and why. "Alright, pretty, this isn't going to work out. I can't be your babysitter. First, I know nothing of babies; second, I still have shit to do for Jonah!" He was annoyed, and I sighed, walking faster. Yes, I know he did, and he was doing so great being my double agent, for better or worse. Did I feel bad for him? Yes. Did I have anyone else? No. He was the only one I trusted at the moment, which was hard too. He had lied to my face so many times for Jonah, and to be honest, I wasn't sure that he wasn't just keeping track of me like before!

"I'm going to get Ma and...." I started to protest at that, no! not Mary. I didn't want more involvement of the browns than I already had; they were loyal to the Sullivans, no matter what Tom did, and that was because he loved me like a sister... I wasn't going to drag more people into this mess than I already had....

"Please, no, Tom, I can't let you do that! You know that the second your Ma hears about this, Fiona will find out, or worse, Jonah!" I was gasping for air when I had run the last part, in my crappy high heels and everything, not taking the elevator when he made a growl like he knew that too. Still, he was sick of being my unpaid help.

"Then who!? I can't keep doing this, Andrea! Jonah has tabs on me too, or do you think he is fucking stupid?! He knows that I care for you and.... Well shit..." he stopped when I did too, trying to catch my breath when I was cursing over the stairs; I didn't miss this part either, not being able to ride an elevator like the coward I was back up to my floor.

"I know... I know.... Okay... I just.... I'm almost there... wait...." I started walking again when he sighed and hung up, making me feel worse. Oh, he had done it for me. I had been using him for about two months living here, thinking that I was so bright, Jonah wouldn't look for me so close, and neither was Buck. They both probably thought I had fled the country and did not twenty minutes from the city I had lived in all my life.

"Mommy!" I was still panting, and the door was springing open, Kira attacking me when Thom was giving me a stern look, holding my baby boy, trying to get him to calm down when I just bent down, hugging Kira hard and having her along when I reach out my arms, taking the boy away from Tom that was looking guilty, when I made a small smile, yeah mee too... I was guilty of using him, and he was guilty of yelling at me. I knew that in those big brown eyes, he still was a softie when shove came to push, at least for me. "Pretty, let's be serious here... I know you don't want Jonah in your life, but...." I was making an angry face, hushing the small boy that was still crying the slightest when I wasn't around, and I felt even worse, my twins weren't old, and they needed me; this was not what I had imagined when Buck had convinced me that we should have another kid, that selfish bastard!

"I don't, and you know that. Why are you even bringing that up!?" I was trying not to sneer at him. He didn't deserve it; he never did when I gave a happy smile to Kira. I was home; she hated it here, and so did I. We all did.

"I can't do this; it's not going to work out.... I love you and .... You know that I'm trying my best, but let's face it, you are just hauling what is going to happen, he is going to find you, and I can't really stop that..." I nodded. Yeah, he was tired. This wasn't the life he wanted either, lying to his best friend and anyone else asking about me. I was a ghost, and that's how I wanted to keep it until I could get on my feet and take care of shit on my own!

"I got it. You can't keep lying to your family...." I finally made the small boy calm down, giving him a small smile, my baby James, I didn't give a shit if Thom had made a face when I named him that, so I was crazy, same as everyone else around me.

"yeah..." he grunted when I looked up from the tiny baby. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen when I put him down the baby bouncer, looking at his brother, identical, almost... that made me smile even more. I was lucky. That was the part that people didn't get. I wasn't alone as long as I had my kids and would do anything for them.

"I might have made a call before you came home and... well... You will not like this, but you can trust her, no matter what you feel about all this..." he stopped when my heart got cold. Did he call his Ma anyway!? I got up again when he looked guilty. I wanted to kill him, coming up again when he didn't wait for me, just walked over to the door like he owned the place, and guess what, he did... that was embarrassing. I lived in one of the buildings that Jonah's family did own, or the Browns; that was clear.

I took a deep breath, cursing when Kira looked up from where she was drawing, making me even more nervous. Mary was going to kill me, and she was. I knew that the second she entered this apartment, Jonah would be on my tail and demand that I give over my kids to him since he was never getting a f*****g divorce, no matter what he had told me since I met him, that lying bastard!

"Tom, I'm going to fucking kill you...." I was hissing it when he stood by the door, looking at me like he didn't care. I guess my death threats didn't work so well on a man with his trade, having people around that really could kill him and not me just barking at him when I was mad.

"It's this, or we blow your cover. You choose Andrea..." he made the slightest smile when the door opened. I was stunned by the blonde girl standing there, looking as if she was just as surprised to see me, taking shocked breaths standing in a short dress, and blushed, omg. Sophia.