Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 189

I was staring at the screen; Kira was about to fall asleep beside Buck, that was holding his arm around her, and Noah on his other one with Jamie asleep already in the bedroom; it was f*****g beautiful when he was chuckling at whatever the TV was showing, I wasn't

looking, some stupid show about dogs or whatever.... It was more for Kira, but he liked it too. He did.

"Buck... they are asleep, you know...." I smiled when I was stretched out on the sofa, having him nod as he knew, but he didn't want to move, didn't want to leave and go to whatever hotel he was staying at. I didn't blame him; I wouldn't want to leave my kids either, not like this. “I know... I know... just five more minutes, alright?" He was smiling at me, no. Begging me when I sighed and nodded, sure I wasn't going to be the one that made him leave his kids, not when I wanted nothing more for him to be there for them.

"I'm going to brush my teeth and ... Yeah...that's five minutes..." he looked sad again when I turned my eyes away, trying not to feel bad, this night had been great, Kira had been behaving and the help with the boys was great, Buck really was doing his best showing that he was trying, and it was breaking my heart all over again.

"yeah, sure..." he looked at the TV again when I walked past him, trying not to feel bad even more when he was kissing the head of them both, making me wish things were different when I was still holding my hand around the door before closing it fast, scared that he had seen me staring at him, he looked so damn beautiful sitting in the damn couch with our babies, like a renaissance panting and it was killing me.

Opening the faucet, making sure that he couldn't hear me when I started to cry, taking the toothbrush and just holding it, what the fuck was I doing anyway? I was here, and I hated it; every second here, I missed my old life, the one I had shared with Buck. I had been so happy, so much more than he ever would understand that a*****e....

I was just about to dry my face knowing that I had been here for more than five minutes, when the door opened up and I saw him, my face being splashed with cold water, trying not to show him how much I had been crying when he stared at me, the intense hurt that was over his face, same as mine.

"Bucky..." I was saying his name breathlessly when he didn't speak. I just came closer, not letting my eyes in the mirror before he was behind me, turning me around slowly. I looked up, still not knowing what to feel. I saw his sad smile when the rough fingers were caressing my face, still damp from the water, my eyes unsure against his steady ones.

"Andy.... Just let me kiss you; that's all I want...." He was circling my face when I felt my mouth go dry. He was so handsome, and his eyes were full of love when I nodded. Yes, I wanted that; I wanted him to kiss me, love me, and everything else he had promised me when we married.

"Kiss me, Bucky...." I was leaning back more when his lips touched mine again; this time, it was slow and trembling, not rushed like last time, like he just wanted to fuck me. No, he wanted to take his time and kiss me long and well as we had done before. I missed that part too, everything about that, feeling his tongue getting inside my slow moans.

I was opening his buttons, one at a time, when my top was off, making my hair all over the place when he was kissing me, trying to not make so much noise in the small bathroom, giggling the slightest when he was letting me go to take off that shirt he was having one, leaving him bare when we kissed again, my hands on his chest hair, loving every inch of his hard body.

"God, I missed you... I missed you so much..." Buck was mumbling into my neck when I still had my eyes closed, feeling his hands on my back, taking off the bra that he wanted to go more than anything.

"I missed you too..." I couldn't really say anything more when he made a smile, our eyes meeting before kissing again, taking a better hold around him when he made sure to move his hands underneath my a*s, making me come up even closer to his face, pressing my tits against his chest, just like he loved when I did.

"Sofa..." I was whispering it when he walked out, carrying me, making me feel safe when I had my head on his shoulder, before looking up when he was putting me down, me kissing him when he was over me, making sure that he had his weight right, not chorusing me in the small space, still having our pants on.

"wait... just wait here baby..." he got up again when I was panting the slightest, having been kissed for longer than I thought was possible, Buck walking back out into the hallway and coming back to my snicker when he was taking his pants off and I was just enjoying the view, standing there in just his boxers, making a grin when I was biting my lip, wanting him to come back to me.

"shit... look at you... so fucking beautiful... "Buck seemed lost when I was half up, still naked, and had my hair out; it was longer than ever, almost going down to my a*s when he was staring at me, making me blush. Was he coming back or what? "Buck... just get back here... what are you doing anyway?" He made a grin to my suspicious eyes, not that I believe he was stealing or shit like that, wasn't anything here worth taking anyway, and here I was, half-naked, waiting for him to come and f**k me. "This..." Buck had woken up from his coma when I made a smile, alright.... That was kind of smart of him, for once.... I made another snicker when he was taking off his boxers, showing me that hard d**k and making me want to get outside my pants even more. I needed him so bad!

"Let's get those pants off your pretty body..." he was helping me naked when my pants were at my ankles, underwear to when I could feel his d**k against my folds, wanting him to just take me when he was rolling on the condom like a pro, making me feel stupid again, he had done that a thousand times, and still he never wanted one with me, so stupid.

"Buck, just.... Go easy on me... okay?" I was down again when he made a smile as he would, my scar showing over my stomach, feeling tingles when he was stroking over it with his fingertips, making me feel better. I still was everything he wanted, more. "I would never hurt you, never..." he made another smile that made me want to start to cry because he had hurt me so bad. Now he wanted me to forgive him, everything that had happened when he kissed me again, taking a hitched breath when I felt the tip of his dick come inside of me, slow and making me stare up into his eyes like I was a virgin or something, just holding on, hoping he wasn't going to let me down again.

"You good?" He was all the way in when I was holding my breath, yeah I was okay... nodding when he made another smile, kissing me and I was trying to relax to the feeling of Buck taking slow strokes when I looked up again, doing a shy smile suddenly like we hadn't fucked a thousand times before, I didn't even feel like this when we did it the first time at his rental before we moved inside the house.

"Buck....." I was staring at him when he stopped like he could see something was wrong. I couldn't stop it, the tears started to roll down my cheeks, making me feel even worse when he pulled out, looking like he was scared he had hurt me, and he had, so much and here I was letting him f**k me, when I couldn't, I couldn't do this, my heart wasn't healed up and I hadn't forgiven him, for anything.

"Did I hurt you, baby?!" He was hushing me, trying to look over my body, when I shook my head. He hurt me so bad when I was still crying, not wanting him to touch me anymore, and feeling sick of him and myself.

"You did hurt me, Buck, and you can't come back..." my head was down, trying to stop shaking when he finally got what I was telling him, that there was no way for him and me to get back together, I had begged him to stay, and he pushed me away, and now it was too late.

"Alright.... alright.... let's just get dressed and... Andy, please..." he was still naked when I was shaking my head, no. No more of this. I didn't want to fall for him just to have my heart broken when he didn't choose me. I couldn't risk it, not a second time. "I want you to leave.... please, Buck, just leave...." He hadn't moved when I got up, taking his jeans and throwing them at him, not caring if he didn't even move to catch them, I wanted him out, and he was just standing there like he was f*****g stupid! "Leave. What is it about that you can't understand!? I don't want you back. I never did! We are over, Buck, and take Sophia with you!" I was sneering at it, rushing past him, wanting to get dressed again, feeling myself being pulled back, he was so strong, and I knew that I didn't stand a chance against him, never did.

"Andy, please! Think about this, what kind of life are you giving the kids here anyway!? You all can come back home and... I don't know how but we can fix this! we can be happy again. You and I were soulmates; remember you told me that!?" Buck was still holding my shoulders, gripping them harder like he was having some kind of panic when I was stunned by the hard fear in his otherwise warm eyes, wanting me back when there was nothing to return to. I didn't trust him anymore!

"Let me go right now!" I was tearing away from his hands, wanting to scream at him for being so stupid, that selfish bastard. He wanted me to come back, and what, watch him take care of Sarah first?! because that was what was waiting on me back in that life! "You are not my soulmate. You got that!?" I was even angrier when his face fell, hearing me spit out the words before finally picking up his clothes slowly. I was staring at him, still naked, arms crossed, and not giving a shit if he was going to curse at me, even scream; there was nothing he could do to me that I hadn't seen or done before!

"You think that kid is? you know that he could have come and seen you and Kira a thousand times over and never did?" Buck made a snarl when I didn't know how to answer that, and I didn't want to hear it anymore!

"Yeah.... Look at you, being so high and mighty... acting like he is the only one in the whole fucking world that loves you. Let me tell you, Andrea Wilson... he doesn't love you; if he did, he would have fucking fought for you, like me." Buck was closing his shirt fast again when I had my eyes closed, squeezing my eyelids tighter, wanting him to go away, not breaking my heart even more.

"You never fought for me, just did what you were paid to do!" I regretted saying it when Buck looked hurt, much more than I imagined he would. The look of anger that came after it really scared me, the side he didn't show me or anyone else.

"Yeah... I guess so... I guess that's the truth then, me just being the paid guard dog; does that make you feel better? knowing that I was paid the entire time we were dating, even when we got married?" I was gasping at what he was telling me. Buck got paid, even when we got married!? That was not how he had told me. He made it sound like he stopped when he got the ring, that lying bastard!

"Yeah..." Buck still had a grim face when I started crying even more, not caring that he was seeing me. Let him see me! That lying bastard, how could he do this to me!?

"I hate you! I hate you and your family and never want to see you again. You hear me, Buck? I never want to see you, ever!" I was spitting his name when he was fully dressed and still naked, pointing my finger at him like I could strike him down, dead and gone, with my willpower.

"Hate me all you like, it's the truth, and I know where James is, remember that Andrea..." he wasn't moving when my heart stopped, was he threatening me, with James!? he fucking killed him, not me!?

"You killed James!?" I was sick of hearing this. Why did he have to act like this? Buck wasn't like this, not this cold robot version that I hated more than anything, a f*****g stranger to me!

"I did, and I'm not sorry, but that wasn't my decision Andrea, never was....." I was still trying to figure out what he meant when Buck made a weird smile like he wanted me to get the pieces back together, taking his shoes and going for the hallway, with me just standing there cold and alone.

"Jonah..... fuck..." I was saying it breathlessly when the small chuckle was heard in the hallway; when Buck heard me saying his name the faintest, he told Buck to kill James, he did, and there was no way around it.

"That's right... he was going to do it on his own, but let's face it, I'm a marksman, not some stupid gangster with a handgun needing to shoot someone from two feet. oh, and I wanted to kill him for trying to take me out during the storm. that fucker, never knew what was coming...." I still didn't understand what Buck was telling me; everything was so f*****g confusing!

"Buck... please stop, I don't want to hear it anymore... please...." I was pleading with him, or whoever he fucking was right now, losing his empathy in a heartbeat, and it was even scarier than seeing Chris getting killed; how could a man like Buck just switch off his eyes like that? He loved me and looked at me like I was nothing.

"Why? I don't have to keep quiet anymore, you can't forgive me, and I want you to fucking know who you are running towards, a snake that is never going to make you more than a whore. He is never going to leave his wife Andrea, never." I flinched hearing that last part, like a whiplash all over my naked body. Buck knew where to hurt me more than I ever had imagined.

"You think he doesn't know you are here, that this is all a big secret, Andrea? He knows, and surprise... he hasn't been here... not once, and he lives 30 minutes away, unlike me. I'm here because I love you. I f*****g love you!" I wasn't sure how he was making it all sound like I was the worst woman in the world, but that's what I felt like. I was nothing, Buck told me that I was nothing to Jonah, and he was right. I wasn't.

"Daddy?" Kira was standing in the hallway when Buck turned around, and I wanted to scream at her to run. Still, Buck's face changed back, as he had never gone cold on me, just sitting down before her, making her come closer, and she hugged him, making me cry louder. What was he doing to my baby?!

"Yeah.... I'm your daddy, Kira; remember that I love you and.... just go back to your room, and I will make sure mommy doesn't cry, alright princess?" He was talking so sweet to her when she nuzzled up against him, feeling so safe when he was lifting her up and going back the hallway, making me shriek when I was trying to get a f*****g grip, hearing Buck close her door and coming back out to me, sitting on the living room floor, still crying looking back up at his stern face.

"Don't think for a fucking second that I would hurt Kira. I love her, get a fucking grip and get dressed. She doesn't need to see you breaking down. snap out of whatever self-pity you have; you are her mother!" Buck was serious when I was still trying to get my breathing under control. He was right; that was the worst part. I just wanted him to leave and never return; I never wanted to see his face again!

"Just leave.... Buck, leave..." I was trying to get up from the floor when he, to my surprise, helped me sigh like he had gotten his senses back from seeing Kira, and he was feeling bad, but so what? Everything he said was true, and there was no way back. "Listen... let's just take a deep breath and.... Andy, do you understand that I can't be out of your life? I am not Jonah. I can't leave my kids, none of them." He stopped when I made a nod, wanting to just cry harder into my pillow, meeting his deep grey eyes, showing me that he wasn't leaving, not my life like I wanted to, and that was my fault, f**k! I should have never made let him get me pregnant, f**k!

"I got it." He did look like himself again when he made a hurt look back, seeing me standing here and not knowing what to say more, this was the end for us, it was, and he knew that too. I just wished that it didn't have to end like this. We had been so in love. "Yeah, I know you do... that's the worst part..." Buck sighed again, knowing he was talking about everything and not just our marriage. I bet Sarah wasn't this involved with what he was doing, shut her out nice and easy from that part, but not me, nope. "Take care of the kids for me, Andy, and... well, I'm coming back, not tomorrow because ... well, let's just try to get some distance, but... later..." he was gritting his teeth when I did a nod, yeah sure, distance....

I followed him to the door. My feelings were numb. He had finally told me everything, that nothing I did was ever going to make me get away from Jonah or his reach, and that I never was going to be more than a stupid bitch that he just wanted to have when he wanted to f**k me, so that was great, just terrific....

"Buck, be careful..." I was still naked, staring at him when he looked up surprised, not expecting me to care what happened to him, but I did. I still loved him for so long; he was my children's father, and he lived in a world where death was.... Common.... Shit... "I'm always careful, Andy; how do you think I made it out two tours in college? I'm not that stupid..." he grinned when I did a small smile back not even knowing why, yeah, I guess he was, shit.... Why did he have to lie to my face, he should have told the truth, and we might have had a chance.... Not like now. He wasn't the best guy he wanted me to think he was, even if he at least didn't just scream in my face and leave me, unlike Jonah.

"I still love you, don't forget that..." he made another smile that made me want to start crying again. He did, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

"I love you too......" I know that he wasn't that stupid to not hear that it would change anything between us. Buck wasn't stupid; he never was.

"Yeah... I'll call you someday ahead.... alright?" He gave a slight nod when I did one back, yeah, sure, he could call, and I would answer. I would. For my kids.