Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 188

"Buck." I was staring at the man in the doorway, looking like he wanted to say something just as much as I did. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it anymore, not since he told me that he had lied to me about everything. "Andy." He made a tip with his cap, looking happier when Kira was coming across the hallway, attacking Buck; he almost fell over, which wasn't easy since he was built like a damn tank against her small posture. "Daddy!" Kira was screaming when I did smile; I did, and it wasn't because I was happy to see him. I wasn't, and if he believed that for one second, he was f*****g wrong.

"Princess, look at you; what have your mommy been feeding you? I can't hardly lift you anymore!" Buck was already swinging her up to the sheer joy on the small girl's face, making me feel bad too because this wasn't her life anymore, no it was living with me and her two brothers that was taking up most of my time when I wasn't working, and that was a f*****g disaster as well!

"Nuggets." I said it dryly when Buck's grin started to falter, but I didn't care. I had loved him so much, and he just turned his back on me, let me down like everyone else; if it wasn't that I was stupid enough to want to make things right for my kids, he would never have seen my face again!

"That sounds great; I sure miss those nuggets....." Buck was still trying when I snorted, still standing in the hallway when he walked inside, not touching me when I closed the door behind him, still holding Kira.

"Kira, show daddy inside where your brothers are...." I had my arms crossed, looking at Buck's big body sway the slightest when I reminded him why he was here, and it wasn't for me, or not even Kira. To be honest, he wasn't her dad, not on paper, and ... fuck.... I was still pissed when Kira pointed, and Buck was smart enough to take the hint walking inside with his workboats and looking around this place that I had to call home; it wasn't that bad, just not a house.

I followed, taking some deep breaths; it wasn't easy seeing him, nothing between us was the same, and still, I hadn't forgotten what it was like, feeling like he loved me more than anything, more the fucking life, that he saved me from James and... well, that he was the best dad in the world, he was, and there was nothing that would change that.

Buck was staring down into the crib, and I knew that he was feeling bad, he was and so was I when he looked up again, feeling me standing behind him with the small boys that were climbing on top of each other, having just begun to sit up by themselves. He was missing out on everything, just like Jonah did with Kira.... That was hurting too, making Buck look away like he couldn't take it and see me crushed, that coward.

"Wow, look at that view! We don't have that at home, do we, Kira?" Buck was looking out over the city, acting like he gave a shit, trying to hide his face when she wasn't that interested. I wasn't either when he walked closer before turning around suddenly, staring me dead in the eye like he wanted to talk to me. I bet he did.

"Yeah, sure... but I don't like it..." she was on the floor, feeling safer when Buck was around, making me almost want to laugh like she had a switch. Now she was calm as a fucking cucumber, having the big man by her side that wasn't letting me go with his eyes now when I didn't look like I was about to bawl my eyes out.

"Yeah, me either...." Buck was still staring at me when I didn't know what to say or do, and I just gave him a hurt look that he returned. Yeah, this was hard.

"Coffee?" I said the only thing that came to mind when he nodded. I took another breath, turning and going for the kitchen when I needed room to breathe, I just did, and he knew that too. He wasn't stupid; in fact, he was smart. Still, he was an idiot, too, lying to my face.

I brought out the cups, having him help me clear the table when we sat down, Kira was on his lap before I could tell her to sit down on her own, but Buck didn't mind. He wanted her close, making me lean back and just feel like shit again, I wanted nothing more than give her back her life, the one she had before shit when down, but I couldn't, and not with Buck, even if some part of me still loved him, after everything.

"So, you named him James...." Buck was the only one that didn't make a face when he said that, like it had been something wrong with me naming the same man that tried to kill me, but he still was the only one that had my back, f**k! I had cried over him more than I wanted to admit. I still missed him.

"Yeah.... yeah, I did.... Noah and James..." I smiled, looking into the crib again and seeing the adorable drool monsters always making a mess, just like their sister.

"That's great.... Not really the names we had been talking about, but... yeah, I like them..." Buck made sure Kira was down before reaching for his cup; that was the only thing I had brought out; that was it, the end of my f*****g hospitality between us, a cup of coffee. "Yes, me too..." I was drinking some of the hot fluid, burning my mouth since I had no patience to wait. My throat wasn't ironclad like Buck's, grinning when I was cursing the blister I was going to get on my tongue.

"Kira, I want to speak to mommy alone. Go get your tablet and headphones...." I made a snark when Kira made a big smile, looking at Buck to my anger; she didn't even complain! She just told me she wasn't listening when I said something, but Buck? No problem, she was already going when I stared at her small head in disbelief at what I had just seen. I was never going to understand how he did that, just made her listen.

Buck waited for the door to be closed before he sighed like he wanted to talk and not just scream at me like he had been doing these last few calls. I wasn't going to speak first, nope. There was no way I would say anything to make him feel better, and I wasn't that generous.

"Andy, please... don't look at me like that, like you don't know me anymore... I'm still me, and just because I made a mistake, I'm not telling you.... That doesn't make anything else that I said to you true..." he was speaking gentler like he always did when he wanted me to understand that he didn't want to fight. I didn't know if I wanted to listen to whatever bullshit he was telling me. I was f*****g reasonable right now, not screaming at him to get the f**k out for just being in my home and drinking my shitty coffee! "I don't know what the f**k is true anymore, Buck. That's the problem..." I was up, picking up Noah, that had started to cry when he followed, feeling out of place, and picked up Jamie, looking like he knew what he was doing from the second the boy was in his arms, his son.

"Shit... look at him.... Amazing... they look just like Mitch did when he was a baby...." I stopped smiling when he said that name, Mitch.... Oh yeah... that was another part of our problem, his f*****g son that was a pervert.

"They look like themselves and not that son of a bitch, you hear that, Buck!? my sons are not going to be anything like Mitch!" I was sick of hearing about him already, like he was the best thing to ever happened to Buck, I bet he was, but my sons were here and needed him. Mitch was a f*****g adult, making bad decisions and acting on them like the sick fuck he was!

"Andrea, stop!" He didn't want to hear it anymore and made a face that showed me he was mad at me. Good! What the f**k did I care if he got angry!? We were not married anymore, and he was just here to see Noah and James and collect that stupid daughter of his that was way over her head!

"No!" I was hissing it back, putting down the small boy again, feeling like I wanted to scream, not be able to say shit to his face when he was here and made sure to show me that I still needed him!

"I'm not fucking stopping. Nothing has changed, Buck! Not me, not you, not fucking Mitch being a perv, or you telling me that Sarah needed you more than me than your newborn sons that you promised me that you didn't care who the father was!" my voice was a falsetto in the end, just trying not to make everyone cry including myself when Buck was still holding Noah closer, trying not to scream at me back, I never knew he could yell so much before we got a divorce like something had snapped inside of him just as much as

me.

"I never cared. I fucking told you that!" Buck was rocking the boy staring at him, trying to reach him with his small hands, when I laughed mockingly. That was the biggest lie he had told me so far, maybe even more about him loving me like he hadn't loved any other woman, all bullshit!

"No, you did, and that's why you are so f*****g mad at me for leaving because if they were Jonah's, you wouldn't be here. You would be f*****g home and taking care of Sarah's drunk a*s and not caring that Kira is crying after you every fucking night!" I was breathing heavier already, my neck feeling like it had a snare when Buck's face got darker.

Oh, he was pissed off now when he was putting down Jamie again, slow and safe, stroking his head before looking at me like he wasn't going to say a word more before he was somewhere else when I made a big sigh, pushing past him and walked outside the hallway again, opening the door and stepping outside, him following me when the tv was blasting some kids tv that I hoped was going to drown out whatever yelling that was going to happen sooner or later when I closed the door gently after Buck. "Alright, let me get this straight then. You hate me and think I don't care about my sons just because I was in a bad place, Andy. I told you I wasn't good for anyone at the time! never that I was choosing sides, and of course, I cared for Sarah; she still was my wife..." He didn't have time to say something else when I made a smirk at his pained face. Yeah, she was, always was, not me.

"Yeah, I know she is, your wife, I mean... not like me....." I didn't even cover up my resentment. I was bitter, I mean, so much, and he wasn't getting spared. I didn't work that way.

"You know what I mean, Jesus! I love you, and I'm telling you I made a mistake. I got scared, and things were going to shit so fast. Can't you have some understanding of where I was at the time? You know that I still have nightmares and sometimes..." he looked around like anyone around here cared, they didn't, people didn't care if he had bad dreams after being in a f*****g war; this wasn't his small town where people were whispering in the streets, I could walk outside in my f*****g underwear, and nobody would do more than take pictures.

".... get worse. You just haven't seen it since I never felt that way around you, Andy... you are the fucking reason I was happy again, honest to God!" He was taking off the cap, holding it in his rough hands when I didn't know what to say about that; seeing Buck's honest grey eyes, I bet I did make him happy, just like he did me.

"So, you got f*****g issues... get in line....." I leaned back at the cold wall, trying to hear if anyone was crying or screaming, my sense being alert all the time, even when I knew that Kira and the boys were fine.

Buck made another smile that he usually didn't do; being sarcastic wasn't really his thing; it was mine when he was mocking me, he was, and I didn't care. He wasn't the only one that had a hard time, and he could take his fucking excuses and shove them! "Issues.... Yeah, sure, let's call it that, baby..." he was smirking even more when I turned my head, scowling at his stupidly handsome face. What the f**k did he just call me, baby? Oh no! just no!

"You are not allowed to call me anything. You get that, Andrew. I'm not your wife or your girlfriend anymore! I'm just the stupid bitch that was dumb enough to believe you when you said that you were going to be there for me and the kids you wanted to have!" I had already raised my voice, having my fist clenched hard at his stupid grin that wasn't stopping like he knew just how to drive me insane, which wasn't that hard, to begin with.

"I can say whatever I want, and there is nothing you can do to stop me, and you did love when we were making those boys, weren't you?" "He got closer when I made a gulp; having Buck so close after so long, let's just say that I did hate him, but my body wasn't feeling the same way, I was fucking lonely, and that was the truth, shit!

"Face it, Andrea, you still want me... look at your face. You love when I'm close to you when we kiss, and you make sure I can feel your boobs against my chest...." I made another sigh when he said what the fuck was up with him anyway? Had he been falling off that stupid truck he was driving, seeing that I hadn't seen him being this forward when we were married.

"Buck, stop..." I was trying to catch my breath when he was pushing himself against me even more, making me want to just wrap my arms around his big strong neck, just like I had done a thousand times before he told me that he was a damn backstabber. "I don't want to stop... I can't.... I love you, Andy..." his lips pushed against mine when I didn't stop him anymore, feeling that familiar soft lips that finally made me push against him, my arms pulling me up against his face, trying to get closer. I wanted him so bad! "Oh god... Buck..." I was still feeling his lips on my neck when I knew that if I didn't stop him, he was going to fuck me out here. Kira was going to come out when I started to scream, feeling every inch of my body wanting nothing more than him slamming me hard like he always did. Shit again!

"Buck, please... I can't..." he was already digging up the shirt I was wearing from my pants, thanking God that it wasn't a skirt, or else he would have ensured that his dick was inside me already.

"Andy, yes...yes baby..." he was stopping even if he didn't like it, hair tussled when I was panting hard from my chest, heaving from the slamming ache from my core, my panties soaked and his d**k that was hard against my stomach. "No.... no, we can't, and... I don't want the kids to hear us...." I said the last part hating myself, it was an excuse, and he knew it too, but this wasn't going to happen. I wanted him, but I still hated him over what happened; it was all very confusing... "Okay, yeah, sure... you're right.... I can wait..." he was fixing his hair and putting the cap back on when I sighed, regretting my decision and seeing him smile at me like this was not his endgame. I knew it wasn't, he was Buck Underwood, and he wasn't a quitter. "Buck, I'm serious... just... behave....." I was opening the door again, looking at his grin that was all over his face, showing me that he wasn't promising anything like that; when we walked back inside the apartment, me taking another deep breath and wishing so bad that he wasn't such a great kisser, I was so fucked, and I knew it.