Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 72

It was morning and Jonah wasn't back when I was snapping him for the third time and eating in the kitchen when the door opened and I looked up to see him come in making me be able to relax again, oh thank God!

"Jonah!" my voice being longing and needy when he looked up tired and just made a small smile, he was happy to see me when I walked over and hugged him hard, not caring to be mad at him when he was still wearing the jacket he had on yesterday and I pushed my head into his chest, smelling him and smiling, I was so happy that he was back and that he was okay.

"Hey baby..." he sounded so tired when I let him go and looked up again, bags under his eyes and he was about to fall asleep when I wanted to tell him, everything about what had happened last night but I saw that it wasn't the right time, he needed to sleep when I just lead him to the bed and pushed him down, taking off his jacket and smiling when he looked grateful and just fell back and I put the blanket over his tall body, he was already asleep.

I spent the day just cleaning and packing, my mom had been on my case about me bringing my boyfriend, telling me that it was inappropriate. I didn't care, she could burn in hell. I was going to bring Jonah along and f**k everyone if they thought that it was wrong, it was f*****g inappropriate for Ryan to f**k Sky behind my back, and he still did it.

It was afternoon when I heard the yawn of him being finally awake and I walked over and just sat down next to him and smiled at his sleepy face, he had been sleeping all day and he still looked so f*****g good, it wasn't fair, at all.

"Hey..." I was looking down at him smiling back at me, looking a lot more rested then when he walked inside this morning and just took his hand and pushed my hair behind my ear, it was so sweet of him to do that big pushover.

"You are so beautiful Andrea, I just love your face, fucking perfection..." my cheeks were already burning seeing his intense eyes that was staring at me even if he just was up, and he was hard from what I could tell, leaning my body against his one.

I just made a shy smile, I never got sick of that, hearing him telling me that I was beautiful, I felt beautiful when he did, his eyes being warm and loving, just admiring me sitting by his side in the bed, still fully dressed since he fallen asleep. "Jonah.... I need to tell you something, alright?" I was making a suffering face that made him loose his smile, actually he was looking terrified all the sudden from hearing my shaky voice.

He sat up and looked serious when I still hadn't said one word more making him even more nervous and he was starting to get annoyed of my silence, he was being impatient, as always.

"If this is about yesterday.... Then I'm sorry, I am sorry Andrea.... I just... I was drunk and I was pissed at Ma that she didn't want to see that I fucking love you, breaks my f*****g heart you know...." He looked down and seemed sad... yeah, I got that part too... but that's not what I wanted to talk about right now.

"Jonah... I'm scared." I just said that when he looked up at me, his blue green eyes was filled with self-hate and sadness, I just wanted to die looking into them when he made a small sigh like he already knew that.

"Yeah, I know you are Andrea...You never where good at hiding what you feel..." He looked exhausted when I made a small sad smile, I guess I wasn't, hiding was not my strong suit it seemed.

"I guess not...." I was feeling the pressure over my chest again, the hard strong pain of not being able to control anything around him, he was still a fucking mystery and refusing to break open for me.

"I just.... I don't know what to do anymore... I'm having a panic attack half the time and the other one, I'm being angry at you for not sharing anything to me about your life more then what I already known for six months...." I just got quiet... I don't even know what I expected when I started this conversation between us, but for some reason, I didn't like where it was going, making the hard lump in my throat grow thicker, like I was having trouble to breathe when he knew what I was talking about. we sure was f****d up like that, but he got me, he did.

"I can't tell you." He was having his hands over his face covering his eyes when I looked at him surprised, what the hell did he mean by that, he couldn't tell me?!

"Jonah?!" I just said his name accusing making him take away his hands and stare at me with pure guilt that he wasn't hiding, right now he was showing me everything that he felt, and it scared me.

"I told you all along Andrea.... You were never supposed to be my girlfriend, something serious and here we fucking are and I cant take a fucking breath right if I'm not close to you... I'm scared too. Fucking scared that something will happen, and I can't protect you..." He was still staring into my eyes with his own sad ones that seemed pissed off, frustrated that he couldn't get what he wanted, me.

"Protect me from what?! Just tell me Jonah, I promise I will understand, I love you!" I took his hand in mine. I wasn't going to give up that easy, whatever he told me, I would be there, I didn't care, never had, didn't he get that by now?!

He was clenching his jaw, making me want to start to cry already, so he wasn't going to tell me then, whatever it was that he was hiding from me, he was never going to give it up from the way he was looking right now, learned that the hard way.

"I love you too, my whole heart is yours Andrea...and that's why you deserve better than me." he looked at me more determined when I made a deep sharp breath from the way he was just saying that, about me deserving better, I didn't want better, I wanted him! "No! No! you better not be saying what you are right fucking now!" I was already trying to catch my breath, getting shallower and my fingers gripping around his hand that he still hadn't let go when he looked just as broken as me when he made a deep sigh like he meant every word of what he said.

"Yes. After yesterday.... Andrea, babe.... Its always going to be like this with me and I am always scared out of my fucking mind that someone is going to hurt you, Evans just being one of them, you are too good for me, and I always known. that's why I didn't want to fuck you or get too close..." He looked guilty at the end, ashamed when I just didn't know what to say, no... he wasn't doing this to me again, he was not f*****g breaking up with me again when he was the one that chased after me, all the time that I had been running, he had always been there, behind me, not letting go, that fucker!

"You son of a bitch!" I was snatching my hand back, the anger just taking hold of me when he just looked sad, so that was f*****g it then, just end us, like that?! No, I was not going to accept that, no f*****g way!

"You are not fucking breaking it up just because you got scared when the fight happened yesterday and that your mother doesn't like me, that's not fucking fair!" I was standing up, I couldn't even sit next to him right now when he was acting like this, a fucking brat that wasn't ready to have a real relationship and wanted to pull the plug on us just because it got hard, well guess what, it was f*****g hard!

"It's not about her, she doesn't have anything to do with this! I can't keep you safe Andrea and that's f*****g it!" he was still sitting down, giving me for once the upper hand when I scoffed, I was so fucking mad at him for just looking up at me like I was the one that was being impossible when it was the other way around!

"Sure it is! Why don't you just tell me the truth!? you don't have the fucking balls to go against your mother and its getting hard so you want to stop trying, you had your fucking fun with me and now you are done, you can go back fucking the whores you been having all along in here before me!" I sneered back at his face that was getting darker, but I didn't care, if he was breaking up with me, lets get it all out there between us, I wasn't going to be quiet about anything!

"Shut the fuck up about my mother! She is right you know and that's why you are so fucking mad right now, you and me, we are to fucking far apart and people are always going to ask about that Andrea, always." He sounded so grave at the end that my heart pulsing of pain like I was being stabbed by his hard gritted voice, so there it f*****g was then, he was afraid of that, of people asking and that was never going to change.

"I know that! I always known that!? you don't think that I don't hate it, me being older?! I am the older one Jonah! the f*****g woman that loves a guy that is way too young for her, its f*****g embarrassing but that doesn't stop my stupid f*****g heart from loving you!" I was holding my hands on my sides and just unleashing everything what I was feeling into my voice, anger, frustration and crazy amount of being totally f*****g lost if he decided to dump my a*s, again.

He was not answering back when I was just panting from screaming, leaning back and just started to laugh a joyless laugher that was filling the bedroom, oh he was the fucking best at making me mad, and breaking my heart, and I always came back, like the sucker I was for him.

"You know what? Sure, lets fucking break up then.... I'm done...." I sounded just as dead as I was feeling, he was just looking like he wanted to die too, great so we both just was going to die, apart, separated from the other one. that was such a great ending to what we had, real f*****g love and he was too f*****g stupid to see it!

"Andrea...." He was saying my name like he didn't want me to go anymore when I was facing the door, my body getting even tenser, he was begging me to stay even when he was the one that wanted to break up, that was f*****g hilarious.

"What Jonah, fucking what?!" I don't know why I was so mad, and he was the one that was looking like he was lost, what the f**k did he want to say to me more then he already had, that he was dumping me for my safety, f**k him!