Faking It To Survive
Chapter 6

Ryan

I hate the way Rose is looking at me with those guarded, suspicious eyes. There’s plenty of fear mixed up in there, too. I never want anyone looking at me like that, but I want even more to wipe that look from her eyes. I’ve never wanted so badly to have that look erased from someone’s eyes.

I take a deep breath and go back to pacing around Travis’s office. If there’s any chance of getting Rose to believe me, I have to do it now.

“Please … sit down.” I wave at one of the couches and make sure to keep plenty of distance between us.

She hesitates for a second before she takes me up on my offer and sits down. She perches on the edge like she might need to run for it at any moment.

I run my fingers through my hair before I take the couch opposite her. I clasp my hands together and force myself to look directly into her eyes. “I met Tammy through a friend …”

“I don’t need to hear about your history with her,” she snaps.

“I just … Please, just listen to what I have to say, okay? Then you can decide if you still want to leave.” I wait a second for her to nod before I go on. “She was different from all the other women I had been with in the past … Well, she was different at first. She seemed down-to-earth, kind … She didn’t let fame get to her—her fame or mine. I honestly thought we were heading somewhere. I thought she was someone I could build a future with, you know? We even moved in together. Everything was going great between us until I caught her having s*x with her bodyguard in the back seat of my car.”

Rose sits frozen on the edge of the couch. She doesn’t say a word.

“I didn’t understand at first what I was feeling. It took me a while to realize that I was heartbroken and humiliated. Confronting her was just too much for me to handle. I couldn’t face her. I was whipped, so I sent my lawyers to take care of everything—ending our relationship, getting her out of my apartment, and everything else so I never had to see her again.”

“So, you slept with her best friend out of spite?” Rose barks. “That’s the most juvenile thing I’ve ever heard of.”

“No! It wasn’t out of spite. I … Tammy was the last thing on my mind when I met her best friend at the club. We just ran into each other, and we were having a good time. Then she made a pass at me, and things just happened. I know how this sounds, but I swear to you I would never touch a woman against her will. Tammy is just trying to get back at me for her own warped reasons.”

Rose leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. “Is that all you’ve got?”

“Huh?” I stammer. “What do you mean? Isn’t that enough? I never laid a finger on her.”

“You say that, but it isn’t just about what you say. Believe me; I’ve heard more convincing stories than that, and they always turned out to be a lie.” Her nostrils flare, and her eyes shift ever so slightly to the side. She isn’t looking at me anymore. She’s looking at something that isn’t there.

“The first time it happens, they swear to you that it was a mistake, and they apologize until you think maybe, just maybe, it really was a mistake. Then you let your guard down, and it happens again and again until it becomes your new normal and you are completely powerless to fight back. And the moment you try to run, you find yourself locked up, suffocated, and buried deep down in the dark until you forget how to scream for help.” She stops and draws in a ragged breath of air. Her hands shake and twist around each other in painful knots, but she doesn’t notice that, either. She’s a million miles away.

A chill runs down my spine at her words. She isn’t just saying these things because she heard about them somewhere. She’s speaking from her own experience. She’s seeing it all play out right in front of her eyes.

“Rose,” I breathe.

She doesn’t respond. She keeps staring off into space.

I try again a little louder, “Rose!”

She still sits motionless on the couch in the same position.

I have to pull her out of this. I can’t leave her there, deep down in the dark. I don’t know where she is, but I can’t leave her there.

I ease off the couch, go over to her, and ease down on the cushion next to her. “Rose …” I rest my hand on her shoulder.

She explodes to life at impossible speed, rears away, and smacks my hand away hard enough to slam my arm into the couch. Then she launches at me so fast that I don’t know what’s happening. Before I can move, she tackles me flat on my back and onto the floor, springs on top of me, and smashes her fist into the floor inches away from my face. “Don’t … you dare … touch me,” she growls through gritted teeth.

“Rose …” I gasp. “It’s me.” I stare up at her, totally transfixed by what I’m seeing. She looks nothing like the Rose I’ve gotten to know. This Rose looks scared, broken, and overflowing with rage. What kind of hell did she go through to get like this? Just thinking about it makes me sick.

I can’t touch her when she’s this freaked out. All I can do is talk to her.

“Just breathe, Rose. It’s me—Ryan. Breathe. Just breathe. You aren’t there anymore. You’re here … with me. No one is going to hurt you ever again. I swear to you on my life.”

It takes a minute, but she eventually blinks. Her vision clears. She can see me now.

She pulls away with a short, strangled gasp then gets to her feet and walks away, but not toward the door. Her hand flies to her mouth and, for the first time, her eyes shimmer with unshed tears before she turns her back on me. “I’m … sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was …”

I hate how scared and broken she looks right now. She’s always so strong and confident—always ready to conquer. That’s all on the surface, though. Underneath, she’s small and helpless and scared.

I get to my feet and shake myself. I have to help her. I have to do something. I can’t leave her like this.

Am I the only one who has seen her like this? She must be totally alone if she’s hiding this from the world.

I walk up behind her. “I’m going to hug you now. Tell me if that’s okay.”

She nods, but that isn’t good enough for me.

“I need to hear you say it, Rose.”

“Yes,” she chokes out on a strangled whisper. “Yes, it’s okay.”

I put my arms around her from behind, and her whole body tenses. Is she going to attack me again?

I rest my forehead on her hair and shut my eyes. I don’t know if I’m doing anything good for her or not, but I have to try. I want to. I want to do something good for her. I just don’t know what.

She shivers in my arms, and then her whole body breaks down, quaking, as she bursts into tears. Hell, she must have been holding that back for years.

She struggles to contain all the anguish pouring out of her, but once she starts, it just keeps building and building until she howls with sobs.

I take a chance. I turn her around and pull her against my chest. I can’t believe she’s letting me do this and that she’s showing me this. I can’t squander this moment.

She keeps her arms hugged tightly against her and her hands clamped over her face, but after a second, she bows her head, lets it fall onto my chest, and the dam bursts big time.

I can’t stop kissing her hair. She’s letting me touch her and hold her like this. She’s letting me be there for her. I can’t ask for anything more than that.

We stay like that for a long time—her huddled against me even after she stops crying. I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want this moment to end.

Out of a dream, she loosens her arms, slips them around me, and her palms flatten against my back. Now it’s my turn to shiver. I feel that touch on my bare skin even with my shirt in the way. I feel her face and body touching me everywhere, and it feels incredible.

Nothing has ever made me feel this way, not even Tammy, the woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. Everything feels different with Rose. It feels powerful, exhilarating, and mind-blowing. Something about her just feels right, like it was meant to be.

As soon as I start to feel that way, she pulls away suddenly and walks across the office, away from me. When she turns around, her eyes are hard again.

She’s putting distance between us so I don’t touch her again. I can live with that because I’ll always hold that moment in my heart of hearts. I’ll never forget it.

Her eyes dart down my body, and she mumbles under her breath, “I got snot all over you.”

I glance down at my shirt. She’s right. It’s soaking wet with several glistening trails of snot smeared across my chest.

I look back up to meet her gaze and, for no reason, we both burst out laughing. She then turns sideways to hide …Is she blushing?

“I won’t tell anyone how it got there if you don’t.” I go over to Travis’s desk and come back with a box of tissues. I put it on the coffee table between us, pull out a bunch, and back way so she can reach the box without coming near me.

I wipe down my shirt and pretend not to notice her drying her eyes and blowing her nose. She won’t want me drawing attention to the fact that she just broke down in my arms.

When she finally catches my eye, she smiles.

My heavens, she’s beautiful! Her dark hair glistens, her skin glows, and her features soften in ways I’ve never seen before. She looks a thousand times more enticing now that I’ve seen the hidden Rose under the surface.

“How is it that you still manage to look this beautiful even after you’ve just finished crying?” I ask without thinking.

She blushes even deeper and bows her head over her crumpled tissue. “You don’t have to patronize me. I’m a big girl. I can handle the fact that I just bawled like a baby in front of my client.”

“I would never patronize you, Rose. I’m just telling it like it is.”

Rose sighs and flops down on the couch. “Today has been a total mess.”

“Tell me about it.” I sit down, too, but I make sure to sit on the opposite couch, away from her. I don’t want to spoil what I just accomplished. “So … do you believe me now, Rose?”

She looks up at me with that hard, penetrating stare of hers.

“What does your gut tell you?” I ask.

Rose shuts her eyes for a split second, and when she opens them again, they lock on me with breathtaking power. “Yeah, I believe you.”

Those words fill me with so much joy that I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t help but burst into a huge smile. I’ve never been this happy in my life. “You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“I shouldn’t have judged you based on my own past experiences. That was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. Just because there are terrible people in the world, that doesn’t mean every single person has it out for me. I forgot that. It’s just … hard to remember sometimes.”

“I’m so sorry you went through something so horrible—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she snaps.

I drop the subject. I don’t want to talk about it if she doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk about it or even thinking about it. I’m sure I wouldn’t if I was in her position.

We sit in silence for a while until her eyes dart to the closed door behind me. “I should probably let Travis know that I won’t be quitting my job as your trainer. He must be really on edge with everything else that’s going on.”

“Don’t let him fool you. He might look tense right now, but he thrives under pressure. He never fails to come up with a solution to problems.”

“So, you two have been friends since you were kids? I wonder what that must feel like.”

I study her more closely. A hint of envy creeped in when she mentioned my friendship with Travis. She doesn’t seem like the social type, but who would be with the demons she’s fighting?

I long to be something to her, to have a place in her life just so I can be close to her. It’s a strange feeling, but it feels right, too.

“I’m guessing you don’t have many friends.”

“There’s no place in my life for friends, and it’s better that way.” She says it so matter-of-factly, but that crack in her tone tells me she isn’t as okay with it as she claims.

“What if I said I wanted to be your friend?”

She looks away. She looks anywhere but at me. “I’m not friend material.”

“What makes you think that?”

Rose shrugs it off, stands up, and walks toward Travis’s desk. She still won’t look at me. “I keep my distance. I don’t enjoy being around other people, and most people can’t handle that.”

I make up my mind in an instant. I get to my feet and walk over to her. I move in front of her so she has no choice but to look me in the eyes. “When are you going to realize that I’m not most people?” I hold out my hand to her. “Friends?”

Rose stares at my hand for thirty seconds. I know because I count them. I count every single second until she lifts those haunted dark eyes to meet mine.

Finally, after an eternity, she clasps my hand and shakes it. A spark of electricity rushes up my arm at her touch. She’s touching me. She’s holding my hand and not pulling away.

Her eyes glow, and she actually smiles up at me. She doesn’t pull away. She just keeps holding my hand one second after another. We gaze into each other’s eyes with our hands still locked together.

“Consider yourself lucky, Ryan Baker,” she murmurs. “You’re the first friend I’ve made in a long time.”

“Oh, trust me; I feel incredibly lucky.”