One More Chance
Chapter 106: Self-reconstruction

~~~On my own, I've tried to make the best of it alone. I've done everything I can to ease the pain, but only you can stop the rain. I just can't live without you, I missed everything around you. Just when I thought I was over you and just when I thought I could stand on my own. Oh, baby, those memories come crashing through and I just can't go on without you. It's just no good without you~~~

-Air Supply-

"Maybe you're just confused."

"No." I shook my head. "No, Jack, I'm not confused. It's true, I realized that I still love Luke, but I can't be with him."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't be with him. I don't want to go back with him. There were a lot of things that have already happened and I've come a long way just to go back to the past, besides, I'd be a fool if I let David go."

"But you're gonna be unfair with him."

"And how can I be unfair with him if I love him?"

"Sam, you're still married and you also have feelings for your husband."

"I know, but as you said, we can file another divorce papers."

"Alright, but what about you? It's been almost five years of you trying to forget your feelings but you failed. Don't you think you're gonna be unfair to yourself? And how would you explain to David all that has happened, especially the realization you had right now? How would you tell him that while you tell him you love him, deep in your heart, you knew you're still in love with Luke?"

I couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped my lips as I realized those were also the questions in my head that I just couldn't voice out.

"I don't know." I shrugged, hugging my knees again. "Honestly, I still don't know how to tell him. I don't know where to start. I don't even know if he would believe me or would be disappointed."

"Then you should tell him. You wouldn't know the answer if you don't try to tell him."

A long, deep sigh escaped my lips as I turned to her.

"Yeah, you're right." I nodded. "If there's one thing I'm sure of at this moment, it is that I don't want to lose him and I won't let him go."

She didn't say anything. The only thing I heard was her deep sigh and we fell into silence. She just opened her mouth again after a few minutes.

"So does that mean, you've already forgiven him?"

"No!" My head snapped at her and shook my head with a bitter smile playing on my lips. "I still love him, but that doesn't mean I've already forgiven him."

"Okay, but who would you choose between the two? How would you deal with Luke or David? Does Luke know about your unchanged feelings?"

"No, and I will never let him know about it. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel. I will try to avoid him as much as I can until we have finally settled the divorce papers. I will try to act as if nothing has happened and that I never knew that he still my husband."

"Alright---"

"And about your first question, of course, I'll choose David. I will always choose him."

"Hmm... when are you going to tell him that you're still married?"

"I don't know." I shrugged. "I mean, maybe when I finally got the courage or maybe when I've already filed the divorce papers, so he won't be affected."

I couldn't sleep that night. It seemed that drowsiness skipped to visit me that night. I already took a few shots of my brother's strongest brandy before coming to bed, so I could instantly fall asleep, but to my disappointment, it only made me dizzy. It didn't even get me drunk, for heaven sake. Yes, it numbed my body, but the part that I wanted to feel numb even for just one night, hadn't even been affected... my heart.

Everything that happened during the day kept coming back to my head and almost making me lose my sanity. I wanted to sleep. I really wanted to sleep so at least I could escape from the world and reality, and even stop myself from thinking about the unexpected turn of events earlier.

I was shocked to know that I hadn't really gotten over the past. I thought I had already moved on. I thought I had already buried the pain. I thought the wound was already healed and dried, but no, I just covered it with a bandage and when that bandage accidentally removed by the same person who gave me that wound and caused me pain, I realized it didn't dry at all. It hasn't healed even four years have already passed.

I kept staring at the white ceiling with my eyes still wide open until seven in the morning. I was already feeling sober from the alcohol I drank last night, but still, I couldn't sleep. -What am I going to do now? Am I going to work or am I going to stay and try to fall asleep?'-

"Haist!" I let out a deep, long, frustrated sigh.

I turned to the side and looked at the glass door to the terrace. The sunlight was already peeking through the small gap of the curtain that I hadn't closed properly last night. And the time I closed my eyes, the door to my room opened and I heard my mother's voice.

"Hey, sleepyhead, aren't you going to the coffee shop today?" Her cheerful voice echoed through the four corners of my room as she began to walk towards the glass door.

I know what she's going to do and I proved it right when I felt the warmth of the sunlight on my skin and my eyes were dazzled by the sudden increased in light in the room. "Mom, don't open the curtains, please just leave them closed," I asked with my eyes closed.

"But it's already half-past seven in the morning and you usually go to work by eight. What's going on with you? Are you sick?" She asked and after a few seconds, I felt her hand on my forehead. "No, mom, I'm fine. I'm just so sleepy. Let me just sleep all day." I said bringing the blanket over my head.

"Hey, are you drunk last night that you can't get up in bed today?"

"No, of course, not. I just want to take a day off." Part of it was a lie.

"Alright." I heard her sigh. "Anyway, Luke is downstairs, he's waiting for you."

"Huh?" My heart skipped a beat the moment I heard his name.

"Yes, he said he wanted to talk to you---"

"No, mom, send him away!" My voice rose a little, but then I realized my sudden reaction that made my mother gasp. I lowered the blanket to my chest and looked at her. mean, please tell him I can't talk to I him right now. I'm still sleepy, mom.

I can't really talk to him."

She stayed looking at me for a few seconds with a slight frown on her forehead. "Did you fight last night?"

"No, of course not!" My voice came out a bit defensive.

"Did you have misunderstanding---"

"Mommy, no! I just don't want to talk to him because I'm still sleepy, that just it."

"Well---hmm... alright. I'll just tell him to come back the other day."

"Hmhm." I closed my eyes as I nodded. Pretending to sleep again so she would leave the room.

"I'll tell him you're still sleeping."

"Thanks, mom."

And thanks also to the blanket that now covering my head and she didn't notice how hard it was for me answer even her simple questions regarding Luke.

***

I stayed at home for the past three days. Well, thank God my parents had a week vacation in Hawai and they took my daughter with them, so I just stayed in my room without being disturbed by two girls... mom and Cali.

And as for Luke, maybe he realized that I wasn't going to talk to him no matter how hard he tried, so I hadn't heard anything from him for the past three days.

And since boredom already got into

me, I decided to call my best friend

and asked her to come with me to the mall and have some girl bonding

ease the stress that's been

Pels

occupying my mind, body and soul

these past few days. She's already in

the coffee shop.

"Whoa! You decided to call me, so you still remember me, huh?"

I just chuckled in response. She said those words as if she's not living with me in the same house and not sleeping in the room which is just right in front of my room.

"So, what's up? How are your three days of self-pity in your room?"

"It's not self-pity, it's self-reconstruction."

"Wow! Self-reconstruction---okay! Whatever you want to call it!" (I can imagine how she rolled her eyes at that moment) "So, are you ready to share your thoughts or whatever thoughts you've made from these

past three days?"

I sighed before nodding but realized that I was just talking to her on the phone and she wouldn't see it.

"Yes, but first, you have to come with me."

"Why? Where are you going?"

"Nah! I'm just thinking about going to the spa and having an hour of full body massage and then eating at our favorite restaurant and after that, I'm thinking about buying some stuff like makeup, new lipstick---" "Oh, my God! Are you thinking of seducing your husband again---"

"Of course, not! What the hell are you thinking?" I couldn't help but scream on the other line. "I'll buy them for myself and not for him and I would never do such a thing again."

"Hmm... alright, so what time are we going to the spa?"

"I'm having breakfast right now, so maybe by ten."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

A loud sigh came out of my lips again. I don't know but suddenly I felt that something is going to happen today.

***