Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 109

I made a groin when I heard the distance sound of something and turned slowly, what the f**k was happening? I got up gradually, the bag of Doritos spread all over my t-shirt that I was sleeping in when I heard the sound again making my heart go cold. It was a hard knock, no. a series of them when I put my feet down fast and got up groining again seeing that my back was f*****g killing me when I made another sigh hearing the banging that hadn't stopped. it was in the middle of the f*****g night and what kind of a d**k was out there ramming my door when I got pissed, if this was a f*****g maniac then I was going to call the f*****g cops on that piece of shit for ruining my sleep!

"Open the f*****g door, Andrea!" I hadn't even made it to my small hallway still dressed in only the t shirt when I stopped hearing the demanding voice on the other side holding my arms over my chest, no... no don't f*****g tell me that he was here and that he was f*****g high just banging on my door in the middle of the f*****g night!

I opened the door having my safety chain on and just stared at him. He was drunk or high when he was leaning his tall body to the side not really being able to keep himself up when I made a sneer, why the f**k was he here?? The motherfucker!!!

"Go the f**k home or I'm calling the cops Jonah." I said it cold when he looked up like he really hadn't counted on me to sound so distance and chilly towards him, I always forgave him, always, but it was different this time. I was never going to let him back into my life ever again after what he did to me, just f*****g killed a guy, took away every chance my kid to ever had a father, even if he was a f*****g rapist and then just pushed me away when shit didn't turn out the way he wanted to be. Oh, and my favourite part. getting ******g married!

"Andrea, just let me the fuck in..." he was still dressed in the same suit, but now it was wrinkled, his hair was a mess, the whole of him was just staring at me with the wide dilate pupils that I knew could turn cold towards me in a heartbeat. f**k no he was not getting inside! "no." I didn't say anything more, what the f**k was a I supposed to say? I was just going to get dragged into another fight that I didn't want to have that just was going to end up having me crying and him telling me to fuck off and storming away from me, or vice versa. I knew the fucking drill.

He wobbles the slightest like he was trying to grasp what I was saying just pushing his hand through the dark-brown hair making my heart clench the slightest when he looked so fucking lost, like he wasn't even angry, just heartbroken, same as me. "Baby.... please... please... just let me in..... I will do anything... I will...." My chest made a big rise and fall from the way he was begging me, I would have given anything for that a couple of months ago, and now I was just dead inside and that was his fault, he knew that too.

"No, you won't. You are going to go back home to that girl from the homeland and marry her and leave me and my baby alone." He made a sobbing sound hearing that when I clench my own jaw just trying not to start crying when he was leaning more against the gap that was between us like he wanted to kiss me, feel me when I felt myself leaning closer too before I realised it and drew back fast feeling my nausea that was kicking in, the hard pain in my chest and body staring at him.

"Homeland girl...." He made a snicker from nowhere when I said that like he finally got it when I just made another sniffle, he needed to leave, for everyone sake still standing in the doorway trying not to give into the hard temptation to open the door for him, I loved him and he hurt me, that was how this was between us.

"I don't love her. I love you." He stopped smiling when he said that and I made a hurt noise, so what? Soo fucking what if he did? He didn't want me; he had made that fucking clear when he left me after we found out that I was having Chris baby and not his. "I don't care, you hear me you fucking piece of shit?? I don't fucking care! You told me to fucking get rid of my baby because you are just a jealous fucking bastard that always put yourself first, you got that! I hate you!" I was hissing it so that the neighbours didn't call the cops on us seeing that we had done that enough for a lifetime already.

He just made a hurt face like he couldn't believe I just said that, well he better fucking believe that the selfish bastard, he fucking deserved everything he ever got coming towards him, including this, me telling him to f**k off for the thousand time since I met him. "I was wrong, and I am sorry, Andrea. Baby. I am sorry." He said it slow and stared right into my eyes with his own blue-green ones that made me start to bite my lip just seeing that he was f*****g honest standing here all drunk and no fucking guard up, this was him. The real him.

Maybe....no! no! Andrea no don't fucking fall for that shit again, he did shit that are fucking unforgivable and still here I was, thinking about giving him not his second chance, not the third or fourth, no maybe his 100 one was more realistic.

"I can't. Jonah, listen to me.... I can't forgive you for what you did.... ....." I hated that I started to cry when he just made another sound of hard pain that I knew was him trying not to cry, he didn't want to show his feeling to anyone, not even me that had seen him in every f*****g state of emotion that existed.

"I got scared and fucking angry.... Okay?? I know I'm not perfect... I know that I fucking killed him and I'm still not fucking sorry about that.... I'm not sorry Andrea..." He looked up wiping his eyes fast when I did a hurt smile hearing that, yeah, I knew that. he didn't hide that, never did.

"I just hated the fucking thought of having something that was going to remind us for the rest of our fucking life that I failed you! I fucking failed you Andrea...." He was crying now when I clasped my hand over my mouth just making small sounds of my own tears falling, he looked like he wanted to die when he thought about it, me being raped.

"He did that too you.... I didn't even fucking know about it until it was too late! Do you understand what that fucking feels like Andrea?? Having the only person in the world that I would fucking die for! I failed you because I was so fucking stupid and just took off!" he was on the floor now, just giving up when I had enough and opened the door all the way and stared at him crying too, him sitting in my hallway and just looking like he didn't know what to do anymore.

"Jonah.... Hey... get up..." I tried to reach out my hand to him that he just made a sneer at like he didn't want to when I made another big deep sigh, what the fuck was I going to do then? Call the cops? Call Tom and Joseph? I didn't want that kind of fucking drama in the middle of the night, I knew that it would only make it worse. F**k.

"Jonah, get your ass inside right fucking now or I'm leaving you out here, you got that??" I growled the slightest still feeling my raw eyes and wet cheeks from crying, I was f*****g crazy, and I knew it when he finally looked up at me. his own face was red and puffy from crying, drunk or high and he still looked like a f*****g model, f**k him.

"You are sleeping on the fucking couch so don't get any ideas!" I sneered it when he was up with the slightest of struggle when I was still holding onto the threshold and just looking at him like I didn't want to hear one more fucking word, we were over and that was just that. no more talk, no more fights. Just me giving him a place to crash, that was it.

"I don't want to sleep on the couch..." he whined when I closed the door behind him and locked it, putting the chain back on and nudged him to move when he made another deep ragged breath like he really couldn't believe that I just didn't threw myself into his arms like I had done every other time, f**k. I really was desperate, wasn't I?

"Too bad, I don't want your tall ass taking up my space seeing that I'm fat as a whale already...." I made a sigh when we had reached the small living room when he turned around, swaying the slightest and I regretted saying that part already when he was grinning like he thought that I was being funny, trust me, I wasn't trying.

"I love that... I fucking love how fat you are... look at you... fuck I would love to slap that ass right now..." he made another chuckle when I just stared making a too long break before swallowing seeing that my core beating the minute he said that. f**k, no! no! that was not what was going to happen, I bet it was hard having s*x now, and not with him off all f*****g people!

"Whatever... just... sleep." I said it when I was reaching out to push him down to the sofa that was going to be too short for him to sleep on when he catches my arm like he wasn't fucking drunk anymore making me drop the frown I was having, what the hell was he doing??

"I love you.... I love you no matter what the fuck you look like, don't you get that?" the small searing pain in my chest started again when he touched my arm with his long fingers, just stroking my arm, giving me chills and making my core even more wet. Fucking hell. "I like you more like this......and I don't like the blond hair, I want you to look like my Andrea, not some f*****g whore that anyone can have..." he was still caressing my arm when I was just staring at him lost making a warm smile with his drunk eyes when his other hand reached out and stroked the hair out of my face like I was the most precious thing in the whole world.

"You like me fat?" I was trembling when he did a smirk like he was just about to say that to my face, of course he was the charming bastard, couldn't tell me he f*****g loved me but saying I was fat was no problem, asshole.

"Yeah... I like you thicker Andrea... is that so fucking bad then? Your tits are huge...." He made a snicker when I did too, idiot. Look at him standing here all drunk and making me laugh when I told him that I hated him just five minutes ago.... Shit.... His eyes still trained on me when I had my head leaned up and just stared back, still f*****g lost.... Like we hadn't been through this shit so many times by now.... I was a stupid bitch and I knew it.

"I want to kiss you.... Please just let me fucking kiss you, one time..." he was saying it when I couldn't answer that, I wanted him to kiss me so bad that I was already leaning more back, making sure to give him access when he smirked like he could see it too, I never was good at hiding what I was feeling. Not to him, or anyone.

"Jonah.... you are engaged.... I... I don't want to do that...." the face of the homeland girl was back in my head, not that I gave a shit about her or her f*****g feelings, I just didn't want to give into him, making him think that I was going to be okay being some fucking side girl he could have when he was tired of playing his moms good boy.

He looked disappointed and just made a nod, eyes on the wall like he got it too, that I was not giving in, no matter what he was telling me. I was not letting him kiss me or f**k me. not anymore.

"Yeah.... Right.... Forgot about that part... and you are having the kid of the guy that raped you." He said it cold and hard when I felt the switch when our eyes met again, all warmth was gone making him look just as dangerous as I knew he really was. A f*****g

monster.

"Yeah, I am." I tried not to sound so fucking hurt, he really knew which buttons to push when I hated that my voice was shaking the slightest, the hard ache in my chest that I didn't know how to fix and neither did he.

"Great.... Just fucking great..... am I supposed to fucking applause that? are you going for the fucking humanity award, keeping that baby that is the only fucking reason that we can't be together!?" he was sneering it merciless when I made a hurt whine, why was he even here? To yell at me for not doing what he wanted me to do? This was his f*****g fault too! He was acting like a f*****g kid that didn't understand my feelings!

"I am keeping this baby because I wanted one for so many years and I don't fucking care that its Chris, you got that Jonah!? The only fucking reason we are not together anymore is not her, its you!" I sneered it back holding my finger up pointing back at him accusing, I was so sick of his shit, first it was James and now it was this. Him blaming my unborn baby that he f****d up that motherfucker!

He didn't say anything back, just clenched his jaw and looked like he wanted to kill me when I made another sneer towards his stupid handsome face, fuck him! Why did I even let him in here? I knew that he was just going to start f*****g trouble like he always did! "You are such a fucking desperate bitch... like you couldn't have waited one fucking year or two and we could have our own kid! not this, not f*****g Chris disgusting c*m inside you! how the f**k I am supposed to look at that baby and not see him and then pretend to be fucking happy about it?!

No this is your fault Andrea, your fucking selfishness that you just couldn't get rid of that when you had the chance!" he was screaming it at the end making me close my eyes over the force that was coming against me, I knew it! I fucking knew it and now I was going to call the fucking cops on him, not Tom or anyone else that was going to protect him. No, I was going to fucking get him arrested, making sure the whole f*****g world knew that he was here and was still f*****g begging me to take him back!

"Where the fuck are you going!?" he was already going after me when I was reaching out for my phone in the kitchen. he snatched it out of my hand seeing that I had already started to put in the first two numbers nine and one making him grit his teeth like he couldn't believe that I was calling the cops on his ass.

"Are you fucking kidding me!? the fucking cops! You know that it doesn't matter right? I will be out before you even call them on me! I have fucking connections Andrea and I don't even need my parents help, you of all fucking people should know that!" he was gritting his teeth even more holding my phone before slamming it down hard into the counter making me jerk back from the loud bang staring at him nervously, what the f**k was he going to do to me then? Kill me? hit me??

He was still mad as hell when he made a sneer when I was holding my hands over my belly wanting to protect my child and I hated him right now standing there and just showing his side that was a f*****g a*****e when I made a small scrounge of the pain that was coming up my sides of my back and belly, holy shit! F**k!

"Andrea?!" he was looking back when I just made another hard scrounged face of pain taking a hold of the counter not saying a word back when he really started to look worried that drunk fucker that had lost the raging madness, he had in his eyes just seconds ago over seeing me in pain.

"Andrea.... What the fuck is happening?!?" he was reaching out to touch my arm when I swiped angry at him, he was not allowed to f*****g touch me! he and that whore of his could burn in fucking hell for all I cared!

"I'm having my baby Jonah so get the fuck out of here so I can call the fucking paramedics you fucking asshole!" I was screaming it back feeling the pain in my back getting more intense, pushing me even more to want to kill the guy that probably had set me off into labour two f*****g weeks too early!

"Oh fuck! What the fuck are we supposed to do??" he was having his hand on my arm not even caring that I didn't want him too when I made a growl and just looked back at him so f*****g angry that he was so stupid and just didn't f*****g leave. I didn't want him here, he hated this baby, I was not f*****g having that!

"We are not doing anything! You are going back home to that fucking whore and do whatever the fuck you want! I am going to the hospital and have MY baby two weeks to f*****g early because of your drunk a*s!" the pain was still killing me when I screamed even more, my face was red and I was already exhausted, so this was a great start to have a baby! Great!

"Too early? What the fuck do mean by that?? you fucking look like you needed to give birth like three months ago babe!" he made a sneer back when I was just taking deep breaths when the pain was starting to fade away still leaning on the counter, I was going to fucking kill him and then I was going to forget he ever existed that stupid idiot!

"Fuck you! I know I'm fat alright!? but I was not having this baby until around Christmas and you and your big fucking mouth just stressed the shit out of me and making me go into labour, I haven't even packed my fucking hospital bag Jonah, do you fucking get that!? I need my fucking hospital bag!" I was starting to take steps to get around him when I felt the hard grip of his hand around my arm, holding me back and I hated that he was warm, just like he always was when I closed my eyes just trying not to f*****g faint right here in the kitchen.

"Just sit down on the couch and I will get the fucking bag!" He steered me to the sofa when I made a hurt face again sitting down, so this was going to suck so fucking much, fuck!

"I need baby things too, Jonah, you fucking hearing me, right?! Not just shit for me!" I didn't care that he was just in the next room when he just said fuck a couple of times, rummaging through my shit and I leaned back feeling like I was about to pass out, how the fuck did I get in this mess? Me having him here when my baby was being born? He hated everything about this, hated my baby and still he was here packing my fucking bag so that I could get to the hospital.

"Got it, now let's fucking go!!" he was standing there and staring at me when I made a surprised face, was he kidding with me?! he was soo not coming along, f**k no! he just told me that he hated everything, hated my baby and blamed everything on me! f**k him! "Just leave it on the floor, go the f**k home and f**k that bitch..." I was murmuring the ending when he dropped it hard and I flinched when he walked around the sofa and just squatted down so that we were the same height, our eyes meeting across the small distance, f**k he really was making me nervous looking like that, confident and so f*****g sure of what he wanted, just like he did when I met him.

"The way I see this Andrea you got two fucking choices. Either you come along with me right fucking now to the car that is taking us to the hospital or I am going to carry you out to the car that is taking us to the hospital, got it?" I made a gulp just not believe that he was staring back into my eyes so sure of himself all the sudden, like his brain had switched from wallowing in self-pity and sadness and just wanted to get this done, help me. oh shit.

"I can walk..." he made a small grin that he didn't even cover up when he was his full height again and helped me up slowly making me do a sigh and stare at him some more, why was he doing this? He was just making it worse for me, giving me this sense of safety and then when we were at the hospital, he was going to bolt on me and I was going have to be alone at the maternity ward, just me and he was going back home.

"Good girl..." he made a chuckle that I hated made my chest and stomach warm, like it was having butterflies, look at him just making me feel shit., fuck! I didn't need that, I just didn't. he was going to leave me again and I just turned away from his grin and started to walk towards my front door, reaching for the bag when he snatched it not even saying a word more than just giving me his arm like I was a senior citizen, well to him I was....

We had just reached the elevator when the strong tugging pain was making me almost bend over again, clawing my nails into Jonah's arm when he did a curse but didn't pull away, not even for a second when I finally looked up, the pain holding me f*****g hostage for what seemed like forever.

"It's going to be okay... I promise Andrea...." He did a smile that made me want to start to cry again, no! I didn't want to fucking hear it, I didn't want him to be sweet and take care of me, he was still slightly drunk even if you couldn't tell and when he was sober, he was going to treat me like I didn't exist again, breaking my heart all over.

The car was already waiting when the guy that was seeing me was frowning like he couldn't believe he was going to drive a pregnant woman, well f*****g surprise bitch! I didn't give a shit when I turned towards Jonah, he was already putting the bag inside the car turning around to help me inside when I let him and just looked at him closing the door on me, making me flinch, he was leaving me again wasn't he?

I didn't want to see it when the door opened up on the other side and I looked up seeing his tall body getting inside and taking my hand like this was no big deal, me having a baby was nothing scary anymore, not when he was here and holding my hand hard and gently at the same time.

"What the fuck are you waiting for?? to have the baby here you fucking idiot, step on it!" Jonah was sneering against the man that just made a mutter that I didn't care about looking at him at my side, Jonah was going to come with me to the hospital, fuck... I didn't even know how relieved I was over that...... he turned and gave me a smile when the car started to roll making me grin back, fuck... he was so handsome, I loved him.

"Jonah.... Thank you..." I leaned my head back just waiting for the pain to start again when he squeezed my hand more and kissed it making my skin burn where his lips had touched me, fuck I was so fucked for him, and I knew it.... thank God for him. "Let's just get this shit done babe....." He made a confident smile like that was supposed to help anything when I ignored him calling me babe having a fiancé, I didn't care... I didn't. "Yeah.... Let's get this over with..." I made a small chuckle like it was that fucking easy, trust me from what I was feeling, it was nowhere going to be.