Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 112

"What about this one then?" I looked back at James when he was walking around the aisle of baby things, stuffed animals specifically when I made a small smile, like Kira didn't have a ton of them already, a f*****g mountain of stuffed animals and she was just a couple of days old being carried by James when he insisted on it, he was f*****g smitten by her and I knew when he was holding up the lamb or cat, whatever it was, he was going to buy it for her and I knew it. "James.... Please, I only needed diapers and some...." I didn't say more when he looked up surprised like he wasn't even paying attention to me anymore, told you. Smitten.

"Andy, please. This is a conversation between me and Kira, keep out." He made a grin looking down again wiggling the plush animal to Kira's eyes that didn't look that impressed to be honest, oh she was so Jonah's baby.

I just snorted and push the cart in front of me slowly, everything was still... sore.... And... well f**k they didn't tell you anything when you had a kid that things would hurt and I was feeling like a car that was leaking oil still in the summer dress I was having on underneath my coat, thank God for pantyhose.

"You want to come over to the house? I can bring the crib in the car and...." I looked back at him, he still was looking at Kira when he was speaking when I made a frown, oh now I was allowed to stay at his house because he was hooked on Kira? what a f*****g a*s he was sometimes.

"No, I don't want to come over James. I know that Angela will kill me if she finds out I'm sleeping over, Kira or not." I said it snappier back then I had intended when he finally looked up and seemed to have forgotten about that part, his mean girlfriend that was insanely jealous about our friendship, at least Jonah had the balls to tell me that he hated it, Angela.... Not so much....

"She knows were just friends... and I want to help you out when you don't have a father..." he was speaking way too much for my liking when I gritted my teeth giving him a hard stare, I did have one, he just didn't f*****g know about it!

"James, just.... Just fucking stop that...okay...." I turned away staring into the diapers that I was still not knowing what to buy so I just took the most expensive ones, I didn't care. I was not going cheap on my daughter.

"I'm just saying that I want to help you Andrea...you know that I lo..." He stopped again when I froze up still turned away, please. Please don't tell me that he just was about to say that he loves me. please.

"Andrea, just turn around..." he sounded hurt when I turned slowly like he said, showing my face that was tense and embarrassed at the same time. I didn't love him, he knew that. not in that way.

"I love you." I made a deep hurt breath that came out as an even more desperate tone that I didn't want to hear him say that. I just didn't.

He was still standing there, having Kira in his arms and looking like he was her father, and I meant it. James could easily pull that off for anyone. He was over forty, had a respectable job and he had his shit together, nothing like Jonah, a kid. A fucking lost one at it. Fuck.

"James......." I made another hurt face; I was so not ready to have this conversation with him standing in the fucking store and giving birth just three days ago.

"I know.... I know what you are going to say, that you don't see me like that, you don't feel the same way... believe me Andrea, I f*****g know it.... I know that you still love that kid that you had as a boyfriend, but I don't care. Do you get that? I don't care about that...." He stopped when Kira was starting to fuzz and I knew that I should walk over and take her back, but I couldn't. not when I was terrified of even opening my mouth, knowing that no matter what I said. I was going to break James's heart.

"Andrea... please... you have no dad to her, and I am telling you right now, that I can be her dad. we can be together, a real family." He was really making me want to start to bawl my eyes out saying shit like that.

"James...." I was holding my hand over my mouth feeling my tears starting to spill over, I could cry over anything these days it seemed like, my favourite bag of chips being sold out, a commercial that wasn't even that sad but when he just slammed me hard like that with everything I ever wanted, it was making me want to sit down on the floor and curl up into a ball and die.

"Andrea.... Let me help you.... Just... I love you, I do, and I thought that I could keep quiet and fuck Angela but seeing you with Kira.... It just waked something up in me again you know?" he seemed just as confused over that part as I was feeling. He wanted to have a family, same as me.

I still didn't know what to answer when Kira started to cry and I was bawling my eyes out too, so this was just fucking fantastic, I was looking like a f*****g crazy woman crying over that a man that wanted to help me was holding my daughter, telling me that he loved me. didn't care. But I did. I did care.

"James.... Just give her to me..." I was walking over when he looked at me hurt and I avoided his eyes when I was trying so hard to stop crying myself at the same time as my baby girl.

"I'm breaking up with her." he said it hard and determined all the sudden when I finally looked up at him and made a small nod. Okay. So, he was breaking up with Angela. Great. She was really going to make my life a living hell when I got back from my leave, and that was if I even was allowed back.

"Let's just go back then to the apartment and I will leave you alone..." he said it way colder than I ever heard him when my heart clenched, leave me alone?? Was he telling me that this was it?? That we couldn't be friends anymore because of this?? No! I didn't want that! I needed him, I did!

"James, please...." I was begging him when I was still holding Kira that was making whining noises in my arms when I was walking way to fast for my liking to keep up with James upset long strides towards the registers.

"No. I don't want to hear it. No more Andrea. I told you what I wanted! you don't want me so, this is it. I'm done!" He said it way easier than I thought he ever would do. Done?? So, he was going to abandoned me?? just like everyone else!!!

I stopped when he walked a couple of steps making every one of them shorter like he wanted me to catch up to him, that fucking bastard! fucking blackmailing me that If I didn't want to become his girlfriend then he would never talk to me again, was that it?! "Fine! Fucking done then James! You don't think I can make it on my own!? I been alone all my life and I don't need you or your fucking love in me and Kira's life!" I was shouting it back making people stare at me shocked, but I didn't care still staring into the back of the middle-aged man that had tensed muscles and pulled up shoulders, he looked far better these days then when I first met him, that fucker!

He turned slowly like he was trying so hard not to shout back at me, trust me that wasn't his style. James was not Jonah and he cared what people thought about him, he had this whole image that he never dropped. Never.

He walked back towards me, slowly like he was stalking me more then going back to the screaming woman that was having the attention over every shopper in the big a*s store we were inside of.

"I know you can Andrea, but I am done trying to tell you that I care for you and getting nothing more than friendship in return. I want to do more, I want to kiss you, fuck you..." he stopped when I just stared back at him confused and slightly turned on, what the fuck was he saying to me?? I hated that I was feeling out of breath by the way he was staring me down, I hadn't fucked anyone since Jonah left me and I was f*****g starved to say the least.

"James......." my mouth was getting dry when he just made a arrogant smirk. fuck! he saw it and now he thought that I f*****g loved him because I really was just desperate of having s*x when I didn't even was supposed to have it yet. F**k!

"Let's just go back, I still not leaving you here stranded. I would never do that to you Andrea, even if you didn't have a baby..." he turned again this time looking way more hopeful then before making me curse, f*****g shit! James and me.... shit... I still hadn't heard from Jonah... I was just waiting for the test to come back to me, about who was Kira's father.

"James!" I was walking after him again when we got to the line and he turned around still looking smug that bastard when I decided that it was just best to tell him, I didn't want to get his hopes up about me and him, but I didn't want him to leave me either and I knew how f*****g selfish that was.

"Jonah is probably Kira's real father." I stared up at him wen his face changed from smug to angry and then just annoyed like he was kicking himself for not just thinking that on his own.

"Does he know?" he hated Jonah, and Jonah hated him, and I knew why, still I wanted both of them in my life, I hated that I did, but there it was. Me being a f*****g selfish bitch that wanted both guys I loved in different ways.

"Yes... he knows....... listen.... There is more... I just don't want to tell you... you know... here..." I swept my eyes over the rest of the people that was around us when he followed them making a deep sigh like he really didn't want to hear it either, but he was going to, because he loves me and he was still my best friend.

We paid and I had put Kira in her seat and sat down in the back with James in the front, making some distance between us when he started the car making sure that Kira and I wasn't going to be cold, he was a great guy like that, caring and sweet. He didn't say anything. Just sat there and had his hands on his lap waiting for me to talk first making me even more nervous, I didn't know how much I was going to tell him, I was so not going to say that Jonah killed Chris in cold blood, nope! "I didn't get drunk and fuck some guy, I was raped." I just said it. There it was. My head feel dizzy because it was. I was talking about some other girl that wasn't me, that it never happened. that Kira might be the result of that. it was hard to grasp still. He turned his head slowly looking up at me, the hard strong hate that was making me more suck just looking at him when his hands had curled up to first and he wanted to kill the guy who did it, I made a sigh, well he was too late for that. "He raped you!??" the dark voice was hissing when Kira was staring at me like she could sense me being upset but still didn't when I made a broken face, no! no! Jonah did not r**e me, he didn't!

"It wasn't him. It was not Jonah. It was ... a friend of his...." I made short breaks behind my word just trying to get the right answer without telling too much and it was breaking me down faster when I stared to cry not even knowing when it had started seeing James hard eyes on me when he was probably thinking of Tom or Joseph, he couldn't be more wrong.

"It was that big guy, right?? The one that always talks to you so fucking much!" He was going crazy when I started to cry even more, harder and just lost it, no! it wasn't Tom, it wasn't!

"I can't tell you anymore James, please!" I made another crying sound when he looked like he was about to start screaming at me if it wasn't for Kira that started to cry too, I was the worst mother ever! Couldn't even keep my own baby happy!

"Oh, you are fucking telling me Andrea, and then we are going straight to the fucking cops so that you can press fucking charges! how the fuck did you not tell me that when you got back!?" he was already starting the car and backing out when I reached out my hand onto his shoulder still crying, begging him not to make me do that!

"I can't! James, listen to me! I can't fucking press charges! He is dead!" the small impact of James driving out on the parking lot made me stop crying like I needed someone to slap me hard over my face and I looked down worried at Kira that was not even upset that James had step on the breaks with my baby inside the car!

"Are you fucking crazy!? you do that again and I will kill you! James I am fucking serious! You fucking hurt my baby and I will kill you!" I don't even know how the fuck I went from a sobbing mess to wanting to rip his fucking head off, but I meant every word I said staring up at him from Kira holding my hand over her body to make sure she was okay.

"Oh shit! Is Kira okay??" he was already out of the driver seat and left the car door open when he was inside the back leaned over my baby like he wanted to see with his own eyes that she was okay when I made a sneer at him, f**k him and his f*****g do-good shit, he was not getting near her ever again doing that shit!

"She fucking better be or I am going to make sure you fucking suffer!" I growled it to him when his worried eyes snapped up to mine making me be the slightest less aggressive too him, he was supposed to be the fucking responsible one and he was acting insane! "I would never hurt her; you listen to me now Andrea. I would never hurt Kira, or you." He said it serious when I did another sneer not wanting to hear it, f**k him!

The car doors were still opening making it cold when Christmas was around the corner and the snow was thick on the ground and I looked annoyed at that when he seemed to get it same at me and backed up again, not before making sure my baby was fine again, so I didn't hate him just as much a second ago.

He got back into the driver seat and started to get us out of the parking lot again when I was just staring at the back of his neck that was stiff and none of us was saying a damn word when he stopped outside my apartment and finally looked back at me still being pissed off at him.

"Offer still stands Andrea, even with what happened that you can't tell. You know that I'm good for my word, I don't know if you say the same about him." I didn't say anything back when he just got out and started to help me with the bags I had gotten and I looked at him going inside knowing that he was right, he was good on his word, and Jonah wasn't.

"I really don't know what to do anymore Kira.... I just want to know.... Then maybe... I don't know... maybe your dad can finally have the balls to break off his f*****g engagement...." I saw James coming back down and he walked up to the door and looked at me blankly like he knew that he was not going to get an answer from me right now anyway when he picked up the baby carrier and I didn't stop him, he wouldn't hurt her, I know he wouldn't. he was a good guy.

He carried her up to the apartment when I was left standing in the door just still not knowing what the f**k I was supposed to say to him, he was putting me on the spot and I hated that, but I did get it too. He wanted to know and so did I.

"James.... Just... don't hate me for not jumping of fucking joy to take your offer, I love you.... I do, but you are my best friend... you get that right?" he looked up from Kira with a tired face and eyes like he did and that made me even more sad. I had shoot him down so many times and still he was trying to be my friend when it was f*****g hard for him. I didn't deserve him and I knew it.

"I did a paternity test... and... I just want to know who her father is... and... well f**k I don't know... I don't know James..." he didn't answer when he just made a nod like he got it. I was so lost and confused and him telling me he loved me was not making it any easier. "I don't care about who's the father Andrea, that's not what a dad is anyway, it's not the guy that knocked you up, it's the one that is still here and doing anything to help you and your baby..." he looked down again at Kira that he hadn't let go off, like he didn't want to when my heart was breaking again, why was my life so fucking complicated?? I didn't know what to do anymore.

"I just want to make it right, for her... you know?" my voice was weak and trembling when he made a smile like he knew that to, fuck him for being so understanding and all that.

"Yeah, I know... and sometimes the right thing is not the nineteen-year-old that made you pregnant...." He looked up at me again giving me a smile that I didn't like, he didn't mean to do it I think, but still there it was. Him knowing that on paper, he was the best option for me and my daughter.

"He is twenty, James and he loves me." I took the carrier from him when he made a face like that didn't matter and I knew it. But it didn't to me, I loved him back.

"Alright..." he wasn't going to fight me anymore and I was grateful for it when I had enough for today, and my boobs where fucking killing me when I had been nursing Kira and she was probably hungry by now.

"I'm still going to break it up with Angela... so you know... get ready..." he did a smirk when I made a smallest of smile, yeah that was going to be so much fun.... Fuck....

"Have fun..." I said it half-hearted when he just shrugged like he wasn't that worried when I knew he should be, Angela was going to have his balls in her trophy case that had her tennis awards from when she was younger that show-off. "Goodbye Kira..." he touched her nose gently making me smile for real now, he was such a sucker for her, just like me.

"Goodbye James..." I said it softer when he winked at me when I was closing the door and putting the locks in place, shit he was not giving up was he?

I looked down the carrier when Kira started to cry like she could feel that I was alone when I picked her up gently just snuggling her when she still was whining and I wanted to whine too, I really did.