Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 138

I woke up from the pain, scowling when I was in a room, Buck was sitting down a comfy armchair sleeping, he looked exhausted making my heart break, it was coming back to me, what had happened. The storm, James and that I was in pain, still f*****g was when I looked down seeing the bandage that was over my abdomen, made me do hissing curses when I touched it, what the f**k had happened to me??

"Buck...." I whispered it when I didn't even know if I wanted to wake him up when it was dark outside and still raining, it didn't look as bad as it did when I fell unconscious, but it was enough to make my heart go faster. What if James still was out there?? What if he didn't die in the storm when Buck had hit him hard in the back of his head, f**k I hoped he killed him right on the spot!

"Andrea..." I looked up from Buck that still was sleeping seeing the woman in the doorway, he lights her bathed in the fluorescent light that was around her, f**k she looked amazing, and I knew exactly who she was.

"Sarah." I said her name more of shock than anything else when the blue eyes found mine and made a smile that I couldn't really say was bad or good when she stepped inside, giving Buck I smile I didn't like at all seeing that it was caring and loving, she better f**k the back off from my husband!

"How are you feeling? Not too much pain I hope?" she looked back at me smiling when I didn't smile back, she was older than me, Buck age and she definitely had done some bleach to her hair, there was no way she still was a blond at 46!

"Yes." I made a hiss hating that she saw me weak, that I was hurt and here she fucking was to help me, or taunt me I still didn't know, she f****d Buck when he was dating me and I didn't trust her at all.

"Alright.... let me see what I can get you...." she was over to a cabin, having her key ready when I got a flashback from when I woke up being a prisoner, that shit was almost as crazy as this! Me being on a bed and Buck's ex that was taking out a bottle, taking a needle out from its packaging and pushing it inside, looking concentrated at it.

"I'm not taking that." my voice was cold and stern when she looked back at me surprised, really? She was fucking surprised that I didn't want her fucking drugs or whatever shit she was putting inside of me when she still wanted Buck! for all I knew, she could just as well try to kill me!?

"Oh, you sure.... I mean those stitches are going to be painful without this..." she held the syringe up like she was dangling it in front of my eyes when I shook my head fast, nope! I was not f*****g getting drugged by Buck's old wife! "I'm fine." I said it even snappier when she just made a shrug like It was my own fault if I was in pain and I didn't care, she could burn in hell for all I cared, she had f****d Buck even when she knew he was engaged to me! "No, you're not. Just stubborn, like him." she nodded to Buck still sleeping, his cap pulled down and leaned over, arms crossed like he had just been planning to take a small nap, not sleeping the whole night like that. "You don't know anything about me okay!? Sarah." I said her name mockingly, angry. I may have forgiven Buck because I loved him, but she was nothing to me, absolutely nothing.

She just raised her eyebrows like she couldn't believe that I was being so aggressive towards her, well she f****d my man that's why and her son was no better, I hated them both and there was nothing she could do about that! "No, I don't.... I just know that Buck loves you..." she said it making a sigh when I just huffed back angry, ignoring that the movement made my stitches hurt even more when she had locked away the bottle again and thrown away the syringe.

"Fuck yes, he does! If you ever, and I mean fucking ever come close to him again, I'm going to kill you, got that!?" I was hissing it meaning every word not wanting Buck to hear me, he didn't need more shit than almost being killed by a madman that was stalking me and my daughter.

"Listen... about that.... Andrea....... let me just say that I'm sorry, alright? I was drunk and... well.... It just happened, didn't even notice it before it was over, me and Buck have been married for so long and..." she stopped when I just stared at her, my lips pushed together into a thin line, she was sorry!? Well then! That was great, I should just forgive her right away!

"no." I just said that when she gave me a hurtful look, what? Did she think I would just roll over and forgive her? like I said... I had not one f*****g obligation against her, she was just a part of Bucks life I had to accept, no matter how f*****g bitter it felt these days. "I am not forgiving you Sarah, you knew that he was with me, that we just had gotten engaged and still you fucked him, and for what?? You been f*****g so long that you just needed some f*****g comfort? you could have gone to any guy for that, not Buck!" I didn't care that my voice was higher and upset now, my tears starting to spill over, and I was tired, why the f**k had Buck taken me to her, I hated her, so fucking much!

"Andrea......?" Buck was waking up when I quickly was pulling my tears away, Sarah just staring at me sad and guilty, good. I hope she was suffering from every breath of seeing me like this, she had almost torn me and Buck apart, those were the worst weeks in my life.

"Yes... I am here Buck..." I was sniffling when he got up, his eyes shifting fast between me and Sarah when she made a face that I couldn't read again and he gave her a grimmer look back, what the fuck was I missing here!?

"I thought you should tell her...." Sarah gave me one last pitiful look before going to the door, Buck standing on the side of the bed and he hadn't moved when I stared at him both confused and angry, tell me what!?

"Did something happen to Kira!?" I was already trying to get up, feeling the stitches making me scream and Buck was holding me back down when I stared back at him crazy, was my baby okay!?

"It's not Kira, I swear Andrea... I swear its not her, she is fine. She is asleep with Sophia in her room." He said it low and comforting when I fell back, making another scowl from the pain but I didn't care, Kira was safe and that was all that mattered! "Then what is it.... Buck?" I was looking at his face, he looked so sad. I never seen him like this, not even when we had our worst fights, no he looked like he just wanted the earth to swallow him open than tell me what the hell was going on!

"They didn't find him Andrea, not a damn thing seeing that the storm has washed away everything, they didn't find a body... I just...I don't know how to tell you this..." he was blinking when I still couldn't believe that he was looking so upset, whatever it was, we could fix it, I was just so happy that he and Kira was safe.

"Okay... so that's fine....... maybe his body just got washed away..." I wanted him to come closer, hold my hand or anything but he wasn't moving, like he was frozen to the core, same as me when I was terrified of what was happening.

"I don't care... I just hope that fucker died and .... fuck..... Andrea...... he almost killed you, stabbed you and I didn't even see it before I got inside, the rain was coming down so damn hard and I didn't see the blood, you believe me right??" he looked up at me when I was really scared, he had tears in his eyes, just the shine but it was there, he wanted to cry so much but didn't that proud man.

"You were pregnant baby and.... He took that from us, he took our baby Andrea..." no... no I wasn't... no, there was no way I could have been that!? we had fucking protection, we did!

"Buck...." I was saying it hollow when he leaned his cap down again, just seeing his shoulders shake and I closed my eyes, feeling the hard cold bitter truth that was snaking its way around my heart, I was pregnant and now .... now our baby was dead because of James...because of what happened.

"Shit...." Buck was still trying so hard not to show me that he was crying when he clearly was making me even more sad, he didn't even want more kids and he had taken on Kira anyway, he would have been so happy for this child, just like me. "I'm sorry Buck... I'm so sorry... I didn't know that.... I just couldn't let James kill you, you understand that baby? I love you so much and it's my fault... all of this...." I looked down on my hand not even trying to cover up how much guilt I was feeling, if I had stayed then Buck might have gotten James, and our baby wouldn't had bled out into the storm.

"Its not your fault." He said it harder but still not being able to look up either, this was bad and I knew it! I knew that he would blame me, I was blaming myself so he should too!

"It is." I wasn't even crying, and I didn't know why, I just felt hollow, like someone had closed the curtains to my heart and I had no idea how to open them up again.

"No Andrea. Is that bastard that I didn't want to really believe was out there! I mean I wasn't even looking that hard to be honest.... I just thought you saw some jacket that was ripped from a clothesline and your imagination did the rest seeing that you were scared shitless already..." he stopped speaking looking out of breath when I blinked feeling the first tear fall down from my eye, I didn't blame him for that. I didn't, I wouldn't have believed me either if I had listened to my crazy story, it was insane. "Oh Buck..." I felt my tears still falling when we looked so damn lost, the both of us. this was the best and worst day of my life, my husband was safe along with my daughter, but at a great cost and I wasn't sure I was ever going to get over it. Losing my baby. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for not believing in you more....... fuck I wished I could turn back time Andrea, every damn second! I just want to believe you from the start, call the damn police and waited that fucker out instead of going out there..." I was reaching out my hand when he took it gently making me do a small sad smile feeling his rough hand against my skin, picking up kissing it slowly feeling the wetness that was on his cheek when he pressed it against his face, eyes scrounged up like he was really wishing he could turn back time.

"I know Buck.... I know...." we didn't say more, and I just felt my hand against his face, it was rough and weathered, just like he was but still I needed that, I needed him not to leave me and he was feeling the same way.

"I... I want you to hold me Buck... please?" I finally looked up at him when he made a small nod, moving around and carefully getting down, putting his arm around me lose so that I could feel my back against his chest, the strong heartbeat that was making me calmer, I hated what had happened and no matter what. This was all my fault.

"I love you Andy...... I'm so sorry...... I'm sorry..." he was whispering into my hair when I just closed my eyes, I was sorry too.