Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 139

"F**k!" I couldn't stop myself cursing coming up from the bed that I been down in three days, yes I was still here in Sarah and Bucks old house, feeling even more like an outsider more than ever when Kira didn't mind being here and she was happy playing with Sophia even if she still was scared that I wouldn't come back the minute she didn't see me making me feel so bad, I had scarred her for life and I knew it.

"It's alright, you are doing so good baby, look at you already out and about!" Buck was holding me when I was walking around the slowest making me want to kill him, I was still hurting like hell and after some serious threats from him, I finally agreed to have some pain relief from that whore he was married to.

"Yeah, look at me.... just strolling in the f*****g sunshine like I wasn't stabbed three days ago or anything like that...." my sneering made him lose his grin and I felt bad again, I did that a lot since I woke up here, in a house that was most part of Bucks adult life and here I was, the new wife that didn't belong, I couldn't wait to get back home to my own house, I wanted to get away from here as soon as possible!

"Yeah.... I know.... I just...." He stopped when he was looking destroyed again making me want to kill him and me at the same time, why was he acting so f*****g upset anyway over what happened!? he was the one who told me, no more kids!

"You just what Buck? Thought I was happy being here and seeing you and Sarah stroll around, having f*****g coffee and small talk when I'm lying here like a f*****g cripple that can't even get up on her own!" he was still holding me when I was screaming it, I f*****g had it! If he took me here just because he wanted to spend time with her, then why didn't he just f*****g let me go when I went after him!?

"Don't. don't fucking go there right now Andrea, you know that the only reason we are here is..." he stopped talking low and tired when I was cutting him off, filling in his sentence with my own dry sarcastic voice.

"Because you fucking ex-wife you fucked is a goddam veterinarian and the roads to the hospital was flooded, I know that Buck!" his grip around my waist getting tighter when I did a loud yelp from the pain making him let me go right away when I was staring at him angry, was he fucking crazy!? he knew I was hurt and still he did that to me!?

"Andrea, stop! Just listen to yourself, I don't know how I can make you understand that you would have died if I hadn't taken you here, I am not having that much fun either, being trapped in a house with you and her, its exhausting!" he had one hand on his hip and the other one was rubbing his forehead like he really was trying to not start screaming at me when I made a smirk back, fuck him! fuck him and all his good intentions! I wasn't staying here anymore now that I was up. he could fucking stay here for all I cared with her if he wanted to!

"Kira! Kira lets go baby, say goodbye to Sophia, we are leaving!" Buck's eyes looking up when I was still yelling it making him go even angrier over hearing that, well he was not stopping me, I was still a free f*****g woman no matter who I married!

Kira was standing in the doorway looking at us with Sophia coming up behind when Buck made a big sigh over what I was doing, leaving him and that whore here so they could f**k each other again!

"Sophia, take Kira downstairs and wait, please." His voice was dark and gritty when she made a small nod, taking Kira along that was looking at me worried when I did a snarl at Buck, he was not stopping me from going! I seen him with Sarah, heard them when they thought I was sleeping and they were talking, making small hidden laughter's that I hated!

"that's it then? You are giving up? Just like that?" he didn't scream or anything when I swallowed and made a nod trying not to show how bad I wanted to cry, yeah. I was fucking giving up on him, he could call it whatever he liked, I saw the way Sarah was looking at him when she was in the room with us, she still loved him even if he didn't love her back!

"let's just be fucking honest here Buck, I'm just giving you what you wanted since I woke up here, a fucking free ticket back to this house and back to Sarah! No more crazy new wife with a killer behind her and a fucked up past, just good old times and all the fucking memories you can drown in together!" I was sneering it back at his face, holding myself steady to the old wooden bedframe, I just wanted to scream at him, my nails clawing its way into the wood when he just looked at me like he was so tired of hearing me say that already seeing that I had been giving him shit since I woke up in this f*****g house.

"Andrea, this is not about some fucked up past and you know it, this is about you and me, fucking losing a baby and you know it, so why are you acting like I am not hurting, because I am!" I was holding my breath just waiting for the screaming to start, in fact I wanted that. I wanted him to scream at me, make him f*****g hate me so that I could leave not feeling so f*****g guilty for wanting to run away, from him, from everything!

"No, no! this is about you and her! you think I'm stupid!? I seen the way she looks at you and you guys are up all night talking when I am here all by myself, is that fucking fair to you Buck!?" I was screaming it back again when he made another big sigh, I knew I was grinding down his patience and I couldn't stop, I just couldn't!

"You fucked her Buck, and I trusted you!? you know what I been through and still you didn't care! You just wanted to f**k me on the side, just like Jonah and leave me when you were done f*****g around!" I was panting hard when he made a small shake of his head, not getting it when I felt my eyes going wide in horror, oh f**k.

"Who is Jonah?" he said it even darker, I had never said his name, just Ryan and by the looks of it, he thought that Jonah was some guy I had just met up with, f****d when him and I was on a break.

"He is nobody." I said it fast and scared, cold, trying not to make eye contact with Buck that took a step closer, I don't know how the f**k I got in this situation, but it sure as hell wasn't how I thought I would imagine telling him the truth, to be completely honest. I still didn't want to do that.

"Andrea, who the hell is Jonah??" he was right beside me, making me look away, like I was Kira. I didn't want to tell him. I just didn't!

"I said he is nobody, why do you even care anyway, I just said that I am leaving, you hear me, Buck?? I'm leaving your sorry ass!" I gritted my teeth looking up at him when I made a small shiver feeling his hand on my face, our eyes meeting and to my surprise he didn't look angry at me, just really worried when I was crying and I hated it, I hated it so f*****g much!

"Are you? leaving me I mean?" he was stroking his thumb over my skin making me cry more, yes, I was so leaving him, I was! Then he was going to be safe, and I didn't have to see how he was falling apart over what happened, even crying, talking to Sarah that he didn't know what to do anymore, me leaving him would fix all that!

"Yes...." I was trying so hard to push the words out but that was all I got, just a fucking yes that didn't even sound sincere, just how fucking pathetic and scared I was, scared and fucking lost without him.

"Alright.... if that's what you really want Andy baby than I won't stop you..." he looked even more hurt when I did a sobbing sound making my stitches hurt even more, fuck!

"It's better like this, Buck! You don't know anything, I can't fucking take this anymore, I can't see you getting destroyed over something that is my fault! Its my fucking past that is hunting us down and James was going to kill you! he was one second from shooting you when I stopped him, don't you get that! I can't see you get hurt; I love you!" I was still clinging onto the bedframe, and it was starting to hurt really bad, standing up, crying and screaming when I felt Bucks hand on my back making me do an exhausted sigh, I wanted to f*****g die and I couldn't, I had to f*****g go on and keep Kira safe!

"So, this is about protecting me? what about my feelings than? Do they even matter or are you all made up?? I don't want to see you go Andrea, I love you and it's breaking my fucking heart hearing you say that! I want to protect you just as much, and when some madman is after you, the first thing I am supposed to do is see you leave me, take off and what? Living from town to town with Kira, you are killing me here!" he had roped me in completely and I hadn't even struggled, my face destroyed and just stared at his serious eyes, he didn't want me to go, and I was so confused, he knew that James still was out there, and he still wanted to be with me, was he f*****g crazy!?

"Buck, just listen to me..." I was starting to talk when he stopped me when I was having my mouth open and I felt his eyes stare me down making me shut up and just looking at his determined gaze, the grey swirling that was making me hold my breath. "No, it's my turn now Andrea, I listened to you whole damn speech about me fucking Sarah and keeping me safe, but you know what? I don't care. I don't fucking care shit about some bastard out there, even if he did almost kill me, I love you and the worst thing that has been keeping me up, making me talk to Sarah because I didn't want to make you feel more bad than you already are is how the f**k I was going to go on if I lost you?" he was talking determined and honest when I just was staring at him surprised, he really felt like that didn't he??

“I can't even imagine my life without you and Kira anymore and its insane seeing that I just moved in, but I don't want to go back to some crappy rental and feel like shit every time I come back to an empty place when I have a wife and kid that I love, I love you and Kira, and no f*****g insane bastard is going to change that!" he made a small grin at the end when I was releasing my air seeing it, he was smiling, oh now I knew he was crazy for sure!

"Buck... I .... You are fucking crazy; you know that right?" I was still staring at him in awe when he made a small chuckle and it felt so good, more than I ever imagined it would be hearing him laugh seeing that these three days had been fucking misery, for me and him, everyone.

"Yeah, I am.... Crazy about you..." I made a real small smile hearing that cheesy line, oh god he was so stupid sometimes, but I loved him and...well f**k... I wasn't used to this shit, him being way more understanding than.... Jonah...I made a small frown, maybe...it was time, to tell him the truth, he hadn't left me after all this shit and I trusted him, with all my heart... I did.

"I love you Buck..." I said it relaxing when I finally was leaning on him completely, my whole soul and body surrendering to him when he was picking me up making me smile bigger and kissed him when our foreheads were meeting, he sure as hell was the most stubborn man I had ever met.

"I know.... and I'm not going anywhere so don't even try to scare me off Andrea, I know you love me and there is nothing you can do about that..." he made another chuckle when I followed only to stop feeling the hard pain in my stomach, fuck that shit still was hurting like hell! "I'm sorry for what happened.... I'm sorry Buck.... I really wanted that baby, more than you ever know..." I said it quieter when he didn't answer me this time, just kissed me softly on my forehead when I leaned my head against his chest, I was so tired. "You just rest some more, and we can talk about that later... I promise..." he had put me down gently on the bed again when I nodded not wanting to fight anymore, I loved him so much that my heart was hurting when he wasn't touching me.

I reached out my hand, wanting him to stay when he took it, not even trying to go and sat down, holding my hand, kissing it when I was feeling my eyes starting to drift off when I heard Buck talking somewhere in the distance making me smile, I didn't deserve him and I knew it, but I wasn't going to give him up, not when he accepted what had happened, he was a keeper.