Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 142

Jonah spent the rest of the time staring at Kira making me smirk and get sad at the same time, she had been all over the place, been in every guys lap and played around but when she got to Jonah she just stared at him and he stared back, he didn't smile or anything like that, just looked at her making her avoid him for the rest of the day, f**k that was hard to watch. Even harder to have Buck and Jonah so close at the same time, I loved Buck, not a doubt in my heart about that but Jonah.... Oh... oh I didn't even know where to start with him.

He hurt me, bad. So many times, and at the same time, he was my salvation when I met him, he helped me not be Andrea the walking pushover that I was when we saw each other for the first time. he wasn't perfect, but he and I shared something deeper. No matter how f*****g corny it sounded, and he gave me Kira so for that I would always love him even if he had no f*****g clue how to act or talk to her when she wasn't a baby anymore.

"What are you thinking about beautiful?" Buck sat down next to me in the couch, a beer in his hand and he looked happy. he did and I was glad over that, he really had enjoyed this day, maybe even needed it more than I ever known, just hanging with guys that was like him, rough around the edges but had good hearts.

"Yeah, I don't know... I was just thinking about today, how nice it was of Mitchell's team to come and help us, that is really not something I'm used to...." I made a snicker when Buck raised his eyebrows and shrugged like this wasn't a big deal to him, I bet it wasn't. he would have done the same thing for anyone else.

"Yeah, we are probably going to have to help renovate houses for the rest of our lives together..." he made another chuckle before taking a sip of the beer, having his arm around me and was holding it still over my stomach so the warmth from his hand made everything feel better. "Buck....." I was hesitating, I wanted to say something, say that Jonah was here and who he was, but it would make no sense, he didn't even call himself that right now and James was still out there, and would Buck understand? this wasn't like him and Sarah. Sharing a full life and being married. No, Jonah was younger than me, only two years older than Mitch and he was a former drug user and pusher, oh and the best part, he was heir of a f*****g crime syndicate I didn't know existed before I met him. it wasn't that fuckin easy making him believe that.

"Yeah?" He turned his head and made a grin to my sigh, I just didn't know what to say, I was embarrassed too, it was fucking embarrassing for me to have been fucking a nineteen-year-old guy, it didn't sound good when I said it, no matter the circumstances. "I... I want to tell you.... about Kira's father...." I said it still not knowing if I should when he was looking at me surprised and he was curious since I had brought it up, of course he was, I would have been too if he had said that to me.

"What about him, has he called you or what? I thought you said he lived in the Caribbean with his new young wife?" Buck made a frown, he really didn't like that part, about me telling him that Ryan just had abandoned me and Kira when I couldn't tell him the truth, he was a lot of things, but he wouldn't bail on his kids, which was a big part of why I loved him.

"Yeah... about that.... Ryan isn't Kira's father...." I said it holding my hands together, ignoring the pain when I clambered at them harder, trying not to puke my guts of from admitting that to the confused Buck.

"He isn't? then who?" he didn't sound angry or even upset, just curious again when I took a deep breath and just stared into his warm grey eyes, he was the best man in the world I could find and I loved him so much, he was all I needed.

"it's complicated but.... he can't be in her life and.... He is younger.... Like a lot younger than me Buck..." I was hiding my face into my hands when I said the last part, I felt like a damn predator again when I said it out loud, I never ever had believed that Jonah was nineteen when I f****d him for the first time, fell in love with him and all that.

"How young??" Buck's voice having some edge in it now when I was still hiding like the damn coward I was and didn't want to answer him, I didn't.

"Andrea, please.... I don't care... I was young too, I had Mitch right after college, remember?" he was rubbing my back when I was hurting, yeah, he did but him and Sarah was older and they were the same age, not like me and Jonah, fourteen f*****g years that was splitting us apart.

"Yes, I know... I know Buck... but.... He is younger.... He was nineteen and.... Well, it didn't work out.... I left after what happened with James, he only saw her twice before I took off and I hate it Buck, I hate that I was thirty-three and he was nineteen, it makes it so much worse, doesn't it??" I was looking up, I had started to cry when he just stared at me, he was surprised and I made a sarcastic smile, of course he was, everyone was, it wasn't everyday you head about a younger man having a relationship with an older woman, especially not someone who looked like Jonah did.

"Alright.... alright, shit... nineteen... so.... He didn't want to have a kid than I guess. I mean I wouldn't have wanted one when I was that age...." He stopped making me feel even worse, yeah, I got that too.

"He was twenty when it happened.... Okay... does it make it any better, Jonah was twenty years old when I got knocked up and he left me." I said it more bitterly than I ever imagined I would do when Buck still was staring at me like he couldn't believe what I just told him, nobody did.

"shit... I'm sorry Andrea... I can't say that I am surprised... when I was nineteen, f**k I mean I was scared shitless when I was twenty-one and going on twenty-two, I would have freaked out too If I was him..." I made a sigh again, oh Buck had no idea, no fucking idea and I didn't know if I was going to share more, I was fucking exhausted just confessing this part of my past.

"Yeah, me neither... I mean he was always out, partying and doing whatever the hell he was doing, and he wasn't that great of a guy... but he loved me... and I loved him Buck, you can understand that right, that I loved him?" I was looking hopeful at Buck that was forty-six and stable as f**k these days, but he had loved Sarah somewhere in his life and he had been a f*****g cheater, he had done shit too.

"yeah... yeah I can get that...you fell in love with a guy that wasn't ready to be a dad to Kira and that's okay, that's what you got me for anyway, right?" he made a grin when I did a huff and small smile leaning my head against his shoulder, he was so stupid sometimes.

"I want to have another baby with you Andrea." I looked back up again meeting Buck smile and honest eyes, he wanted what??

"Buck.... You told me you where to old and done, what the hell is different?" I just didn't understand, this was about me having a miscarriage and I knew it. Buck was suffering from it, far more than I was, maybe I was just dead inside at this point, expecting shit to happen to me and the people I loved.

"Yeah... I know what I said but... I mean come on does it make any difference from having Kira, she is three this winter and I am not going to be young when she is graduating either, all am saying is that I wouldn't get sad if you got pregnant again baby..." he made a grin when I didn't know what to feel... I had just survived with my life and Buck was talking about having a baby, together. Shit.

"I guess not... I just... I don't know if I'm ready for that yet Buck..." I wanted to be honest about that part, us having a baby was going to have to wait, a little while at least.

"Its fine, I'm not saying that we have to start trying right away, I'm not an idiot no matter what Sarah says, I know you need time and that you are hurt... I just love you baby and that's all, I want to have everything with you and... well don't you want a sibling for Kira? One that isn't almost eighteen and doesn't live here full time?" he was looking at me honestly again when I nodded, yeah... I guess he wasn't that wrong... I just never had seen myself have another baby, not after Kira... she was... difficult to have to say the least... "Alright Buck... well see.... Maybe..." I said it leaning back at his chest again when he made a humming sound that he had heard me watching the game that was on and drinking beer, I didn't hate this life and having a baby with Buck wasn't going to be anything like when I had Kira, when I was alone and lost, that was what I was most afraid of to be honest.

"If we do that... have another baby.... Together I mean, you wouldn't bail on me, right? Even if it was screaming all night?" I said it carefully when he started to chuckle like I was funny, feeling his hand stroking over my stomach again, he was really suffering. "I don't think so seeing that Jared had colic for about seven months, fuck that was hard.... Lost more sleep than I ever will get back on my whole lifetime I think..." he was drinking again when I made a chuckle too, yeah, I felt him.

"Kira was so awful... it was a nightmare Buck, and I was alone, all alone...that's why I even considered moving in with James even if I didn't love him...f**k that was so stupid..." I stopped, mumbling into his chest feeling his body tense up hearing that name, James was a dead man no matter who got to him first, Jonah or Buck.

"He better prayed he died that day Andrea, or I'm going to kill him, he almost took you from me and he killed our baby..." He sounded so fucking upset again when I was pushing myself harder against him, I didn't want to see him suffer, I loved him and he had been so happy today, I didn't want him to feel despair again.

"Alright Buck... lets have another baby, you and me..." I said it staring into his eyes that was so hurt and went into pure surprise and happiness making my heartbeat faster, I loved him, and he was right, It didn't matter if he was older, he was a great dad to Kira and he would be just as good to the next one we had.

"You mean it Andy? I don't want you just telling me that to make me happy..." he made a frown when I was shaking my head, no I didn't just want to make him happy, that was just a bonus, I loved him and maybe having another baby wouldn't be that bad, I just was nervous that I would be alone and I know that Buck would never do that to me, never.

"Shit.... Having another kid, it's going to be great Andrea! you will see, I can't wait to start trying..." he kissed my mouth making me giggle leaning in more and kissing him back, yeah me either.

"it's going to be amazing Bucky..." he made another grin and kissed me deeper making me moan, I loved him so much and I was happy with him, I was.

Chpter 143

I was walking slowly down the busy street, Kira in one hand, she was wearing her princess outfit that she had chosen for Halloween. I was giggling the same as her when we were walking around, ringing doorbells, having a blast together. Buck had told Sophia to come along but she wanted to be with her friends instead and I didn't mind, I mean Sophia was great, but Kira was my baby and not hers, I was loving every minute of this. I hadn't been doing this since I was a kid and walked around with one of my friends parents since my own didn't think this was important enough to care.

"Look at that.... two fair ladies walking down a dark street full of monsters, who will save them?" Buck was chuckling when he walked up and I made a giggle, he looked like he was a knight and he had a big heart on the centre of his chest making me giggle more, he was so stupid and handsome even in that stupid outfit I knew he was loving to wear just as much as the kids around us was.

"I'm a princess daddy!" Kira made a twirl when she was showing of her crown and fairy wings that she had demanded was part of being a princess, but who was I to say something, I was just having on the one long dress I owned and a plastic crown, same as her only less extravagant.

"Princess Kira." He made an official bow making me snort more, he was such a kid, look at him, he was having a blast and I bet he would have loved being dressed up everyday and not just once a year.

"Buck...." I was still snickering when he did a wink and I leaned over kissing him quickly being grateful that Kira was staring at the other way or else she would have started to scream that he was to kiss her too.

"My heart's queen..." he was pulling me closer when I leaned my head against his shoulder, just resting and smiling, I was so happy with him and Kira was having a blast, this was the best Halloween I had ever had, Buck even had taken the day off yesterday to be with us and help out with hunting down stuff for Kira, he was a great dad and husband.

"I love you..." I said it purring when his body got tenser and made a chuckle in my ear when he pulled back, not going any further knowing that there were kids around when I was biting my lip, I wanted to go home and continue to try have that baby we had been talking about.

"I love you too Andy.... Just you wait... I will give you what you want... later..." he made another chuckle when I felt the blush creeping up on my cheeks, and I didn't even know why, I wasn't shy these days but the way Buck was, he made me feel like I was a school girl again and not a grown a*s woman that was married and had a respectable stable life. How the f**k that had happened.

I was still smirking when I heard the sound of people walking down the street and I knew that it was Sophia that was coming along, she wasn't dressed like I was used to seeing her and I swear I saw Buck eyes go wild seeing her look like she was the front cover of some expensive magazine that my store sold like crazy. her hair was long and wavy, she had full face of makeup and she just had on a small dress that was making her legs look like they were up to the sky, fuck I hated her, look at her being so fucking beautiful, made me so damn happy for her.

"What in Gods name is she wearing!?" Buck was about to storm after her seeing that she hadn't seen us yet when I stopped him, I know he was just being protective, but she was sixteen and she deserved to dress up and have fun and she was with her friends, what was the harm in her showing some legs anyway?

"Buck, stop it... calm down.... She isn't a baby anymore... this is what it's like being a girl and she is safe alright?" He was still staring at her like he couldn't believe what he was seeing making me smirk leaning my head over his shoulder again, Kira was turning her head too seeing Sophia and started to take off before anyone of us even had seen her do it.

"Kira!" I was yelling it annoyed; the street was closed off but there where still some cars coming by and there where people everywhere when Buck was going after her same as me.

She was so damn fast being so small sometimes and she was going after Sophia that hadn't even seen her, f**k!

"Kira!" I was already screaming it out over the crowd when Buck was going around, trying to flank her when I saw her dark hair disappear behind the crowd when I was pushing my way past anyone that came my way, I didn't give a shit that I was pushing or shoving, my baby was out there and James was still on the f*****g loose!

"Kira!" I was screaming it when Sophia came up behind me and she was drunk, she was. Fuck! Not like super drunk but she was tipsy, Buck was going to kill her, and I was going to help if I didn't find Kira right now!

"Andrea... is it, Kira?!" she said is slowly like her teenage mind didn't really quiet get it with the alcohol mixed in it making me do a growl, Buck didn't even need to kill her, I would do it for him!

"Yeah, she went after you and now she is gone, and you are fucking drunk, like what the fuck Sophia, I didn't know you did that!?" I was snarling it when she looked at me really surprised like she didn't think I would see it, oh trust me, that way she was swaying in the high heels she never had worn before, it wasn't that hard.

"OMG! Andrea, please don't tell dad, please!" she was begging me when I just left her and she followed me like a lost puppy, her friends gone and I was still searching for Kira, which was my only fucking mission right now.

"Shut the hell up, I don't fucking care about that, I just want to find Kira!" I was hissing it when she started to cry more and I felt bad, or I should but I couldn't when I was still rushing the crowd that was around us, wasn't there anyone that could f*****g see that a small girl was running on her own and that might set off some f*****g bells??

"Kira!" I was screaming it again when I heard the small voice that was coming from afar and I looked up, seeing that she was sitting in someone's arms and I made a sigh of relief making my way towards the man that was holding her, I was so fucking worried! I was going to kill her, I was!

"Oh, thank God! Thank you!" I was panting the slightest when he turned around and I dropped my smile seeing that it was Jonah, he was holding Kira and he looked pissed, like this was my fault that I had lost her, well she was f*****g fast, he had no idea how she could just take off!

"See Kira, I told you Ma wasn't far away, and you shouldn't run off like that, okay?" he talked to her when she made a pout and looked at me like she wanted to leave the strange guy that was holding her, making me want to break apart right there. Jonah was having a mask on that he had pulled up, and just shirt and jeans, he looked like anyone else of the adult that hadn't taken things to far like Buck did.

"Jonah.... Thank you for getting her..." I was holding my arms out when he looked up at me again, giving me a frown like he didn't want to hand her over and I got it, she was his kid and he loved her, he did but she didn't know him and she was about to start crying from being scolded by an unknown guy she only had seen once.

"If you cant keep fucking track on her Andrea, I'm going to step in and you are not going to like that, got it??" he was handing her over when she was clinging against me, not liking the harsh tone of Jonah, I wasn't either, he better not be f*****g threatening to take Kira from me or I was going to kill him!

"I don't need your fucking help, never did so why the fuck are you saying that shit to my face!? Just find James, fucking kill him so that Kira can be safe and stay out of our lives!" I was hissing it back, not giving a shit that Sophia that was behind me heard, she had been talking to Tom anyway so why the f**k did I care what she knew??

Jonah looked even more pissed when I was still scowling hard against him, feeling the small body of Kira that was crying softly against my chest, she didn't understand why I was so angry and she didn't like it, neither did Sophia that was standing there and looking like she wanted to die from shame when I heard Jonah made another snarl, pulling his mask down again and just turning away, leaving us and I didn't get it, why the f**k was he walking away all the sudden??

"Andrea, thank god!" Buck was coming up being us when I did a surprised turn, so that's what Jonah just had taken off for. Buck was here and he couldn't really explain why he would be talking to me seeing that he was supposed to be in Mitch team and had no logical reason to be here and talk to me and Kira.

"Yeah, Buck...." I hugged him hard when he let me rest having Kira and scolding her softly for running away and she cried some more, I wanted to cry too, this night started so great and now here I was standing in the street, with two crying girls and Buck that was starting to notice that something was off with his daughter. Oh f**k.

"ARE YOU DRUNK!?" he didn't even try to keep his voice down when he handed over Kira to me again, seeing Sophia that was starting to bawl her eyes out even more, Buck holding her arm and he was going to yell at her, for how long I didn't know but right now I had my own problems, Sophia being drunk wasn't that bad, but Buck still was going to have a meltdown.

"Yeah, yeah dad I'm drunk.... And do you know what, I don't care!? I fucking like it!" Sophia was screaming it back making everyone around us stare when Bucks hole face just changed, making me do a gasp, I had never seen him so fucking pissed off, like never, ever. Not even when I screamed at him that I was leaving him, no. this was pure darkness, fully hearted rage that was making him hold her arm even harder to the point that she was going to have a bruise if he didn't stop.

"Oh, you like it do you!? well then, why am I even paying fucking child support to your mother seeing that you are a goddam adult! going around looking like a damn hooker and drinking! I should call the state right now and tell them that I don't need to keep fucking supporting her!" he was starting to drag her along and I just stared at him helpless, Sophia crying, Kira crying and me just following Buck that wasn't stopping no matter how much Sophia was stumbling unused to walking in high heels. "Buck, stop! Stop it! Babe!" I was going after him when Sophia was still angry as hell too when Buck finally let her go, coming into one of the alleys that didn't have that many people in them, thank God for that!

"Stop it?! I am not stopping Andrea, and you keep out of this! Sophia is not your kid, and I am taking her right back to Sarah to show her just how much of a failure she is, can't even keep Sophia off the fucking streets!" He was growling it when I snapped at him, he was so fucking stupid sometimes, she clearly was just having fun and he acting like she was walking the streets for money, like she really was a hooker!?

"I know she isn't my kid Buck, I know! that doesn't mean that I don't care about her, she is just trying out shit, Buck you are not a girl and you have no fucking right lashing out like this, she is just a teenager and she is not any different from the boys, they are fucking worse and I don't see you acting like this with them!?" I knew that he wasn't, I had seen him with both of them, they could talk and drink, even Jared and he sure as hell wasn't twenty-one last time I looked!

"that's different!" he said it still looking like he was going to break apart ever piece of our furniture coming back home when I made a scoff, different? Why, because she was a f*****g girl, and they were boys?!

"No, it's fucking not! Sophia isn't any different from the boys, just because she is a girl, for fucks sakes Buck, she is the one that acts the most like you! how the fuck can you tell me that she is supposed to get most shit when I know that Jared wouldn't have this humiliation, fucking public too!?" I was getting really angry. I knew what its like to be humiliated, so many times when my dad didn't stand up for me and I was fucking scarred for it, made me hate him, maybe more than I ever hated my cold mother.

"You know what!? You don't get it, you don't have grown up kids like me and you shouldn't talk about something that you haven't a clue about, alright?? Sophia! get the fuck here and I am driving you home!" Buck wasn't even listening when I stared at him like he was crazy, was he really such a caveman that he couldn't accept that Sophia was just like her brothers, not some fucking war criminal he was taking back to justice!?

"Buck!" I was yelling it after him when he was storming off, having Sophia in a tight grip around her wrist making me feel really bad for her, sure she did wrong but nothing her brothers hadn't done, worse and Buck was going f*****g ballistic over her and he was our ride home but he seem to have forgotten that part too!

"Fuck!" I was saying it gritted through my teeth when Kira was still holding her hands over her ears, eyes squeezed tight and just wanting me and Buck to stop screaming.... oh god... oh... I looked down at her, holding her closer when she looked up and she was scared, she was and I hated that Buck had done that, showed her that he wasn't just this man that was a loving daddy to her, no he was acting like a f*****g madman raging over something that wasn't even that bad.

"Its okay baby... its okay... lets just go home..." I looked down the street and started to walk towards the crowded streets again, glad people weren't staring at me and Kira when I felt the presence walking up to us and I turned around, seeing Jonah and this time he didn't look angry, only sad and I made a sigh seeing him, what did he want this time?

"Let's go, I can take you back..." he didn't say more when I made a nod, following him having Kira on my shoulder just staring out into the distance, no more smiles or laughter, Halloween was over.