Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 144

"Thanks.... I mean it Jonah... thanks for finding Kira and for driving us home...." I made a grateful smile having Kira against my chest, her head sleeping on my shoulder when Jonah just made a smile back, a real one when he was looking at us, me and Kira. "Why are you talking like I'm some stranger giving you a lift back home? I love you and Kira is my daughter no matter what she calls that old fucker, I would never leave you stranded, never." He was looking back up into my eyes with his own ones, the blue green mixture, land meeting sea and made me feel like I wanted to start crying again, why was he telling me shit like that? he knew we were over and honestly, he should be thankful he even got to see Kira after what had happened. "Jonah, stop that... just stop... I'm married and I love Buck... I know you don't think so but I do.....and Kira ... she needs a stable life, not just being pushed around in some f*****g power play that you are making against your Ma... "I didn't have the strength to fight him, not after what happened with Buck, it was f*****g horrible and I was still shaken the slightest over how he reacted, like he wasn't the same sweet guy that loved everyone.

"Stable? Yeah... that's not what I saw Andrea.... I seen guys that are f****d up act nicer and that's saying a lot...." He stopped scoffing when I made a pleading look at him, not tonight. I just couldn't take anymore.

"If he pulls that shit on you or Kira, I'm going to kill him." he said like it was nothing when I looked even more tired, yeah I knew that too, Buck had just lost it and I didn't want to talk about that with him when I turned my head away showing him that I didn't want to hear it anymore.

"I'm sorry." He said it raw when it made my heart hurt even more, sorry? What was he sorry for now? For telling me to wait, abandoning me and Kira when we needed him the most, marrying Shailene not even telling me, what was it??

"I don't care.... I just don't.... I can't just think about me here Jonah, Kira is my first priority these days..." I was going for the handle when he stopped me, holding my wrist soft and he was hurting, like he always was when he was being honest, wanted me to understand but I didn't know if I had it in me anymore, the worst shock of seeing him was over and was I still attracted to him, yes.... But it didn't matter in the end, he had hurt me so many times that I had lost count and I didn't want to fall back into the same trap, not when Kira was going to get hurt too...

"Don't say that.... don't fucking tell me that there is no hope for me to get you back Andrea, I'm fucking trying here and its hard.... You know how many times I just wanted to bolt, leave and come here, live fucking free but I can't, Ma and every other fucker out there is coming after me if I do, and that means that you get hurt, you and Kira." He was talking darker, upset and I was shaking my head, he was such a bullshiter, always was.

"I told you Jonah, I could have lived on the fucking north pole with you and followed you anywhere and still you just gave up on us, married homeland, you broke my heart that day." I was staring back, I wasn't going to hide what I was feeling, spare him. he never spared me.

"I know.... fuck know that.... this isn't that easy Andrea, I'm not just a stupid redneck with anger issues, I got real fucking problems that means more than choosing between f*****g my old or new wife...." He made an annoyed scowl when I didn't get it, he knew about Buck cheating on me? was that it??

"Jonah, that is none of your business and between me and my husband and you are no fucking angel either, you fucked around more than anyone else and you did it when you were dating me too!" I was out the door when he had let me go and I was walking fast towards the house and up the steps, I didn't want to talk to him anymore and just followed the hallway down to Kira's room and putting her down, still holding my breath trying not to cry putting the covers over her and walked out and he was standing there, in the hallway and just looking at me sad. Fuck.

"I did a lot of shit Andrea, but I never cheated on you, not once and you know it." He said it heavy and honest when I was sniffling, yeah, so what?? He did stuff that was worse, so much worse than Buck f*****g Sarah.

"Oh yeah, what about that girl I saw you with, the one that you made me switch places with??" I was so f*****g embarrassed over that; would I do that today? No f*****g way... but I was too hooked on him and his f*****g drug using a*s to not have any f*****g self- respect back then.

He made another scoff before smirking, he knew exactly what I was talking about, he was fucked up, but he remembered it, I know he did.

"I thought you were fucking James, and like I said. We were not even dating back then." He came closer still smirking now when I was having the door of Kira's bedroom behind me, knowing that he was going to trap me but I didn't move when I was just staring up at the eyes that was capturing me, making me feel the slow pulsing beat of my core when he was leaning over, not even touching me and having his hands pressed gently to the sides off my head.

I made a deep gulp when I was just locked down, seeing his eyes and the way his lips where slightly parted, he wanted to kiss me so bad, and the worst part was I wanted that too.

"I'm not going to kiss you Andrea, not unless you ask me to..." he made a small smirk when I felt my breath being hitched, fuck. He was playing me so hard right now and he wasn't going to give in that easy, he was toying with me, just like he always did. "I can't..." my voice was raw and hurt, I did want him to do that, but could I betray Buck? Knowing just how bad it would hurt him? no... no I couldn't, not even for him.... I still loved Buck even if he was acting like an asshole right now.

"Well then Mrs Underwood... let me know if that changes, offer still stands....." He backed away making me release my breath again that I was holding, trying not to breathe in the smell of him too much knowing that I was already feeling my knees shaking and my lips aching to feel his against mine.

"Oh and I want to see Kira, that is not fucking negotiable Andrea, she is my kid and I spent to much time away from her, you hear me?" he was backing away from me still when I nodded, yeah I got it, but it wasn't going to be on his terms, they were going to be mine. "sure, but you can't tell her that you are her dad, I'm serious Jonah, one fucking slip-up from you and I am calling the cops on your ass, telling them all about you..." he made an offended face but started to chuckle in the end holding his hand over his chest like I had wounded him.

"Got it baby." He made a wink when my heart did a flutter hearing him call me that. it was just one word and it made me feel the cold hard surge that was roaming my body, made me f*****g want him even more. F**k!

I held my hand up stupid when he got into the car, like he just was here to say hi, like we were friends again, I don't even know what I wanted him to be, all I knew was that I was grateful that he had helped me and that I would take it from there. No more no less. "Fuck." I said it tired and walked inside, hoping that Buck would come back soon because he had a lot of shit to explain to me what just happened tonight.