Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 151

I had been crying for a half-hour when I heard my phone. I looked at it thinking it was Buck when it was Jonah, telling me to f**k off right back and that if I didn't let him come to Kira's birthday, he was f*****g filing for custody, alone. I made a snort. Yeah sure... I like to see his Ma agree to that. Jonah raising Kira alone would be almost fun to watch.... I was still crying when he called me, and I opened it. What did I care if he heard me cry? It wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last. "Hey...." I said it tired.... I still didn't know if I wanted to talk to him, but at least Jonah never lied about how I looked, the one thing he was honest about.

"Andrea.... Why are you crying??" he sounded more accusing when I was staring into the roof. I wanted to tell him, but what the f**k would that help with anything? Jonah was no better than Buck, and he was much worse. "I just... I hurt my hand...." I looked at my hand while saying it trying to sound as sincere as possible, when he snorted back like I was lying, and I hated that. I hated that he could just tell that on my voice, f*****g Jonah. "Yeah, no, I know you... you are f*****g hurt and don't even give me that shit. I'm not stupid like that redneck. Maybe he buys that, but I don't..." it was noisy around him, making me frown. Where the f**k was he anyway?

"Jonah, what the fuck are you doing??" I knew that it was none of my business. I had told him that there was nothing left between him and me just a week ago, and still, here I was, wondering what the f**k was going on, feeling jealous, and I knew it. F**k. "Doing? Not much... just walking around, it's some kind of charity shit here at campus, and I'm supposed to help out, but I don't want to..." he made a chuckle when I snorted this time. Yeah, he probably had three guys and five girls that were doing it for him. He still was f*****g charismatic like that, dangerous.

"Okay.... just.... Come over tomorrow... I'm sorry... I want you to come.... For Kira..." I was biting my lip, waiting on him to answer when he was just listening, both of us not wanting the call to end. I was the worst mother ever, trying to get Jonah not to be a part of Kira's life. So f*****g stupid!

"Yeah.... You couldn't stop me even if you tried, Andrea. I know you don't want me, or at least you think that you don't... but I am not missing out on more time with Kira and... Andrea. I'm serious about the custody thing. Do you understand that? I want Kira just as much as you do." He was fading out when I closed my eyes, the intense horror gripping my heart and squeezing it so tight that I was gasping for air even before I knew I had started to do it.

"No.... no... no Jonah..." my tears began falling again. No! he was not taking Kira! He had rejected her so many times! He wanted me to abort her when she wasn't even born!

"Yes, Andrea." He said it back surer when I was sobbing into my hand, trying not to bawl my eyes out right here on my and Buck's bed that never had felt more alone than right now. Jonah was taking Kira from me, that son of a bitch!

"Listen, I don't want to fucking do it. I'm not a monster that wants Kira to get ripped away from her Ma, but I am not fucking playing the funny friend anymore. she is my kid, and I want her." I was still making sounds of crying, trying to get myself together. I didn't have a chance in hell against him, not with that kind of money and lawyers his family had. I would lose if I fought him, and I knew that.

"Andrea, pull yourself together! For f***s sake, I'm not taking her from you! I just want to be her Da!" He was annoyed at me for being so stupid and panicky when he told me clearly that he didn't want to take her from me, but I didn't believe him. I couldn't. "I don't believe you...." I said it, eyes closed and hand on my forehead, trying to get a fucking grip that Jonah wanted my baby; after all this time, here he was, and he was not going to back down, never did.

"You should; I'm not trying to hurt you...." he paused, and I knew that he wanted to say something more but never did. That coward.

"Andrea... I am sick of this, watching from the sidelines, even if Kira doesn't understand everything. It hurts me every time she looks at Buck and lights up. I want to be that guy, not him." he was breathing harder, getting away from the crowds, when I made a big heavy breath, so he had made up his mind then.

I didn't say anything back, still having my eyes closed. I got it. He was hurt, and I would be too if Kira called another woman mommy; it made me want to die just thinking about it.

"Fine. Let's fucking end this charade, once and for all." I said it back surer when he was surprised on the other end; he probably had thought that I was going to scream and fight, but I wasn't going to do that; this was for Kira. Not for me.

"Good... good.... I'm glad we aren't screaming ... for once..." he chuckled when I made a small smile, f**k him.

"Oh, I'm going to scream at you, a fucking horse Jonah?! I can't afford that thing!" I felt annoyed again when he was snickering, thinking this was funny, and it was not.

"I did tell you I was going to buy her one... she told me she really wished for it and... I couldn't resist.... Shit....." He made another chuckle that warmed my heart. He was trying. Even if he sucked at it, seriously. I mean, come on, a f*****g pony. I was never going to be able to make her happy after that.

"She wanted a rainbow-colored castle too with one pink and purple wagon like Cinderella; you think you can get that too?" he scoffed on the other side, knowing I was teasing him... oh god in heaven, he was so hard to be angry at.... F**k.

"Yeah, not with this time limit... maybe until Christmas?" I made a gulp, remembering the last Christmas we spent together, and I had been so happy. Soo f*****g happy that night with him, me, and Kira; it was like a dream that I used to think of a lot more than anyone knew.

"Yeah... Christmas..." I said it deeper and made a sigh, fucking Christmas.... It hadn't been the same since that day; it was the best and worst holiday in my life.

"I still have that picture... it's fucking hidden in my phone, but I have it.... I know you don't believe me, but I have looked at that image more times than I can remember..." he stopped, and I was quiet; I believed him. I f*****g did, and it was breaking my heart. "I do believe you, Jonah...." I said it with a broken voice; it was so hard. Why was everything so f*****g hard between us!?

"Good.... That's all I need, your trust.... Even if I don't deserve it, I know I don't...." I heard the car on the driveway and took a deep breath, Kira was back with Buck, and I had been crying. This was going to be great.

"Yeah, just.... This is about Kira, not me and you... we are still over... you got that, Jonah?" I still hadn't changed my mind about that part, I was going to cooperate with him, but that didn't make me leave Buck. He was nowhere near that trust right now. "Yeah... yeah, I got it.... Andrea... just take care, and I will see you tomorrow... you know I lov.." I hung up seeing Buck coming into the bedroom and made a weak smile seeing his frown from my suspicious acting; I was so not made for this, sneaking around. It was killing me.

"Hey, baby..." I looked up, smiling at Buck, that was having Kira in his arms, looking at me with a slight frown like he could sense something was wrong, but he couldn't make it out, f**k, I was the worst wife ever, cheating and lying.... I didn't deserve him. "Mommy, look!" Kira was holding out some necklace she had made when I did small applause making sure to show her how good she was. My baby was the best at anything she did!

"Buck, look at this!" I was holding the necklace up and making sure that our eyes didn't cross. He made a small smile as he loved it too, sitting down on the bed and pulling Kira to him, kissing her head, making my heart hurt. He was going to hate me. "Yeah, I saw it... quit the artist we have here... going to take the world on someday..." he chuckled when Kira beamed. See, this is what I loved about Buck with Kira. He was a f*****g natural. No matter what she did and said, he had it covered. "World famous painter, designer... what do you want to be, Kira?" I made her giggle when she was still in Buck's arms, having him smile more even If I could see it wasn't real, not all the way when he still wasn't over our fight, and be honest, neither was I. "Princess!" Kira made a big smile when she said that she was going to be a princess. That was so great. All we needed now was to have her meet some royalty when she was grown up and problem solved!

"Oh yeah, but you are a princess already, princess Kira!" Buck was hoisting her up, making her beautiful laughter fill up the void that was between Buck and me. Oh god, we needed to fix this, and fast, before it got worse.

"More Daddy, more!" she was shrieking from the laughter when Buck got up and was spinning her around, making me snicker at them, she looked so happy with him, and that was the most important thing of it all. Kira is happy. I didn't care about the rest. "Oh, Buck..." I made a comforting smile when he stopped, out of breath, and for a second, we didn't care that we had fought when he was grinning, and I made a bigger smile back, going up to him and Kira. Buck already had his arm out and took me inside his arms, making Kira pat my head like I was a pony. Oh, she was going to be so surprised when she saw that thing.

"I'm sorry...." I said it whispering. I didn't know what I was saying sorry for at this point, cheating on him, calling him out against Mitch, or just... the whole shit about him not liking how I looked like before... that still stung. I wasn't going to lie about that. "No... no... God... I'm sorry......please..... Andy, just forget I ever said anything... I love you, all of you and .... I can't imagine my life with you or princess Kira. I love you both so much..." he was smiling against Kira, that was smiling back, hugging him around his neck, and I made a nod, yeah... I was going to stop pushing so hard about knowing shit that didn't matter. It didn't since it was in the past.

"Buck... we need to talk...." I said it feeling sick again, I was going to tell him everything, and then, if he still wanted to be with me, I was going to be so fucking grateful, but I didn't have it in me anymore, lying to him, and Jonah told me straight to my face that he was going, to tell the truth, no matter what making my own cowardness have a time limit.

"About what?" He had put down Kira when I shook my head. I didn't want to do it now, not when Kira was here. I didn't want to put her through another round of seeing Buck when he was going to scream at me, call me a whore, and take off. He was, I would. "Everything," I said heavy and let him go when I took Kira, that was reaching out for me and made a smile when she was talking about her birthday tomorrow. I was going to try to make it the best possible, even if Buck wasn't here anymore when I had told him the truth.