Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 152

Buck was already outside, sitting in the yard staring at the sky when I had put Kira to bed. She was so excited for tomorrow that I almost couldn't make her close her eyes, she was the best thing in my life, and I knew that I had stayed inside with her longer than I needed, stalling from doing this. Telling Buck the truth.

He was in one of the launch chairs, feet up and just looking peaceful like I didn't tell him before that we needed to have a big talk about everything. I would have been terrified if the table was turned, but not Buck. Nope. He was calm as a f*****g cucumber and just was sipping beer, staring up at the starry sky above us.

"Hey..." I came closer to him, sitting down with my legs apart over the other lounge chair and making him turn his warm grey eyes down on me. How the f**k did he look like he wasn't scared to have this conversation?

"Hey...... so... Kira's asleep, the night is bright, and you are beautiful...." He stopped making a grin that I wanted to start crying over right away. Why did he act like this? Like we never had this big ugly fight that made me want to hide from everything and never return again.

"Buck.......please...." I swallowed whatever was coming up. He was so good, and here I was, the cheating wife that didn't even have the decency to tell him when it happened; at least I couldn't blame him for that. Hiding shit from me.

"What? It's true, and I know that you want to have this big talk about everything, so I might as well enjoy the night...." His voice sounded sad in the end, making me feel even worse, so he wasn't that calm, just savoring the last moments in his world. "You know what? Your right... it is a beautiful night...." I took one of his beers even if I didn't like them and took a swig, not caring about the taste at all, making a face that made Buck do a small chuckle when I made a slight smile. I loved that. Loved when he sounded so happy. Even if it was just for the small seconds before our eyes met.

"Buck... I...... I love you...... I just want you to know that no matter what happens about everything, that's what I want you to know, okay?" It was hard having his eyes on me, feeling the intense guilt that I hadn't thought of before this. That was wrong, right? I was supposed to feel worse about f*****g Jonah when I married Buck, but I didn't.

"Yeah.... I love you too..." he said back, nodding it like he was just waiting for me to spill whatever I was hiding when I took a deep breath, holding the beer hard in my hand and making a frustrating sound that I was so fucking scared of telling him, it was not that hard. He had done it, and I forgave him, but I wasn't expecting him to return the favor. No. He was going to march right outside that fucking door and leave me. Just like everyone else!

"Andy, just tell me, alright? don't make a big show of it...." He made a sad smile that wasn't going up to his eyes. Did he know?! The panic started to rush over my body, did he f*****g know, and he hadn't told me!?

I was putting down the bottle on the side table, rubbing my hands together, and wishing I could do anything else than say it!

"I cheated on you with Jonas." My eyes were closed, my heart pounding hard against my chest, when I felt intense nausea coming back. I was a coward, not even wanting to look up and face it. He deserved that. He earned me open my eyes and face him for what I did, but I couldn't. I just f*****g couldn't.

I hated that I flinched when I felt his hands on my shoulders, pulling me back against him so that I couldn't run away, couldn't look away when I still had my eyes closed. Buck hadn't said a word, not a damn word, and it was scaring the shit out of me. "Andrea, look at me," he said more seriously when I was shaking my head. No, I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to look at him and hear that he was going to tell me to fuck off, that I was a whore, and that he was divorcing me. I couldn't. "No... no... please... please Buck...." My voice was begging him. He could just leave me here and never come back. That's what I fucking deserved anyway!

"Andy... look at me, that's the least you can do after telling me that..." he sounded tired and so sad when I opened my eyes, the tears already spilling over, meeting the grey orbs that were so warm towards me and made me want to die. I didn't deserve this, him acting so f*****g calm. I had thrown him out the doors when he told me!

"I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry!" I didn't want him to leave me. That was the worst thing that could happen, Buck, leaving me, just walking out and letting me wallow in my own misery. I would fucking deserve it!

He still was holding my shoulders when he let me go, and I made another hard crying sound leaving my mouth as a whimper. So this was it, then? Now he was going to tell me that I was disgusting and that he was filing for divorce, that whatever was between us was

over.

"I wished you had told me... right away.... I don't get why you waited so fucking long; it was thanksgiving, right? You could have just told me, at least have that respect for me." he sounded angry now. I didn't blame him for having my head down the slightest, still trying to escape my own guilt when he was making curses, a lot of them, and I just sat there, feeling my tears fall. This was the worst day of my life.

"Buck.... How did you know that?" he was still cursing when he looked back at me like I was funny, that was the least of my problems, but I wanted to know, how the fuck did he know that it was thanksgiving that I had f****d Jonah?!

"Sarah told me... she saw your neck and some pantyhose and.... Well, I didn't want to believe it.... I told her that you hated cheating..." he made another chuckle, this time, it was empty, making me wipe my eyes. Yeah, I did hate cheating. I did.

"Mitch has been on my case too. He told me that you walked out of the shower and that he was in there.... Goddammit... I should have known, right?! I should have fucking known one of his friends would make a move on you and...." I made a gasp hearing his angry voice. Why did it sound like he was blaming this more on Jonah than me? Because that wasn't true. I had told Jonah to f**k me. Right in his face, I was in on it. All of it.

"Buck, I wasn't fucking seduced if that's what you think... ... it's f*****g complicated... okay?!" I wanted to tell him the rest and explain before Jonah came over tomorrow and exposed what I had been hiding all this time.

"Complicated?!" he made a snort getting up from the chair when I followed, scared out of my mind when my hands were going after him, grabbing him only to have him shake me off, he wanted to leave, and I was never going to see him ever again! "Nothing is complicated! you have a thing for younger guys, and I should be fucking lucky you just didn't f**k one of my boys!" He was growling to my shocked face, no! no! that's not what happened. I did not have a fucking thing for younger guys! That was a fucking lie!

"No, Buck! No, I don't have a thing for younger guys! I love you, and I would never f**k one of your boys!" I was trying so hard to make him understand that I did love him, but I loved Jonah too, and I always would. I couldn't f*****g help that!

"Oh yeah, then tell me, why him!? Why not one of my friends, Andrea!? They all would fuck you too in a heartbeat, but I've never seen you even care a shit about anyone of them, so that means you are not attracted to them! I don't even know how the hell you even think I'm good enough for you?!" I was gaping at his rant. He really believed that shit. I had cheated on him with Jonah because he was younger and not because we had this complicated f*****g history together that was making my head hurt even thinking about it! "You are more than enough, Buck; I love you, and I don't want to think that's why I fucked him because it's not!" I was trying not to scream, same as him. he was thinking of Kira, and I loved that about him. He really wasn't like Jonah and me, two people screaming our heads off, not caring who heard us. He was so much more mature and calm, more than I ever would be.

"Then what!? What is the fucking reason Andrea made you fuck Mitch's friend!" I was holding my breath when Buck was demanding answers now, answers I didn't want to tell him, and still, I knew I owed him that, so much shit that I should have just told him right away, but I was a coward, running away when things got too hard, worked that way all my life.

"Because he is Kira's father, okay Buck! That is the real reason for me fucking him; Jonas is my ex-boyfriend!" I shouted it slightly louder, almost hissing it angry, when Buck's face changed from angry to really confused, trust me. I was fucking confused myself. "What?!" His voice was louder now. He couldn't keep it down when I just sank down onto the chair again, my strength gone, and I just leaned down on my knees; there it was. There was the whole f*****g truth. It was so fantastic telling him not! "You heard me... Jonas.... He is Kira's father.... Her real one... the nineteen-year-old I told you about, that left us in the fucking dirt when she was born, that I ran from and never looked back..." my breaths were shallow, and my nose was stuffy again from crying. I didn't seem to do anything else these days.

"What?!" Buck repeated it when I made a chuckle. Yeah, that's what I would have said to you if I was him, this was a f*****g mess, and I knew that. fuck.

"You know what... you can leave Buck, just leave me like you always was going to do anyway... go back to Sarah, the perfect fucking wife of yours, and let me drown in my own misery...." I mumbled the last part into my hands when Buck made a scowl like I had made him angry again. Surprise! I was really good at that, making people angry.

"Oh no! don't you fucking turn this around on me! I wasn't the one that cheated this time, Andrea, and shut the hell up about Sarah. Shit, that jealousy you have against her is getting tiring fast!" He had his big arms crossed, looking like he wanted to break something when I didn't stop him; as long as he didn't wake up Kira, he could do whatever the f**k he wanted.

"Sure... like you haven't just been waiting for this, the fucking golden ticket to go back to her, and I'm not stopping you, Buck, I f****d Jonah, and I'm not even that sorry," I said back hard, biting off the words regretting it the second I saw Bucks hurt eyes, fuck! Of course, I was sorry, but he was going straight back to Sarah when we were over, and he couldn't tell me different!

"I been divorced for three years before even meeting you, and I had one fucking slip up! That's nothing compared to what I did to her; you have no idea the shit she forgave me for until I realized that I couldn't stay. I was the one that wanted the divorce Andrea, not her!" He was still standing up, making me scoff at that bullshit. So much f*****g bullshit, so what if he wanted the divorce between them!? He went straight back to her when things got hard between us. He was no better than me!

"Poor her, poor fucking Sarah! Having this hard fucking life of you cheating on her! My life has been so good before I met you, all roses and wine!" I stood up again. He was getting out of here, I wasn't going to stand here and listen to him and his poor old wife that had forgiven him for what he did, and I was just a cheating whore that couldn't forgive him for the one mistake he did, what a stupid fucker!

"I should be fucking thankful, is that it?! That someone like you even looked at someone like me! I don't know what's so fucking wrong with me, that twenty-year-old you would hate, but Jonah doesn't hate it! he loves me, even when I'm fat; you would hate that, wouldn't you!?" I didn't care that I was screaming. Let him see me. Let him see the real Andrea Wilson, the fat bitch that he would have hated, be disgusted by if he was younger, only wanting some blonde f*****g cheerleader, that jarhead!

"You are fat already, Andrea!" he shouted back, making me stop everything. My heart, my breathing, my emotions, and all of it. Stopping.

Oh god. I was. I was fucking fat. Look at Buck, he was upset, and he wasn't lying. So, he thought I was fat. Because I was.

I didn't say a word. Jonah had called me fat so many times, so many times that I couldn't even remember them all. Still, he never said it like that, with that tone or even that look on his face that Buck had right now like it was something that I should be ashamed over, that he was uncomfortable with. Oh god.... oh god.... Why was this the worst thing in the world he could have said to me? I didn't even understand it. It didn't hurt like this when Jonah said it...

"Andy...." Buck was standing there, hands on his hips, looking so f*****g good in those jeans he was having on, not even trying. He was right, and I should be f*****g thankful someone like him ever wanted someone like me.

"Don't." I was still pressing my lips together tight. I mean, I should have known he was feeling like that. Look at me and look at Sarah. We were utterly opposites, she looked like Kayla, and I was still just a fat brunette; that was the second-hand choice. "No... no, I want to say something... I don't care that you are a rounder; I don't. I love you, all of you, and ... shit... I'm not that guy anymore. I told you that..." he stopped again when I just made a nod, not even looking at him anymore. Yapp. He did tell me that. "That's it then, Bucky... you cheated on me and I on you, so much for being in love...." I made a scoff, still trying not to start to cry again. I was not going to do that. I wasn't going to give him more to feel bad over. I wasn't better than him. Never was.