Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 153

"Yeah, you told me that.... I f*****g love you too... Do you think it has been easy having Jonah around? He wants me back, Buck, to take me back home and continue our lives again, and I don't know.... maybe I should...." I wiped away the first tear from the corner of my eye fast, f**k! Why was this getting to me? Him calling me fat? It was f*****g ridiculous! I was almost forty and not some stupid teenager. I should be able to handle this better! "What, take you back home!? you are f*****g home, Andy!" He was getting upset again. Well, look at that. Big Buck was upset hearing that someone else wanted me, even if I was fat.

"F**k." He said it like he hadn't thought about it, and I knew he hadn't. Because in his mind, it wasn't wrong, him sitting next to Sarah and having me on the other end, not when he was in that house, like his f*****g muscle memory kicked in, and he couldn't help it. "Yeah... f**k......" I said it back empty; I didn't want to talk anymore. He had told me what he felt, and so had I. it was over between us, and that was it. He could just leave me so that I could start to cry again into my pillow, so I didn't wake up Kira. "Is that why you f****d him?" I made a weak smile no. Maybe. I didn't know, and I didn't know shit. Never did.

"I don't know... a part of it.... He has done so much for me, Buck; you have no idea. He is my Sarah, and... yeah... I can't say more about it..." I clapped my hands together and stood up, marking that I was done, that this was done. He and me. Over.

"If he is that, then that means he hurt you and doesn't even try to deny that shit. He left you and Kira when you needed him the most, and he just dropped you. How the fuck can you tell me that he even deserves a second chance!?" I didn't know what to say to that. Buck was upset because, in his world, that was impossible, giving up and taking a step back from your kid. Well, not everyone was f*****g perfect like he was on that part.

"Just let it go, Buck.... I have nothing to say, and you can drive to Sarah. I don't care that you do, fuck her. sleep in the garage or whatever...." I was shrugging, still feeling numb and so hurt. Seeing Buck fuck Sarah in my head was so awful, combined with him calling me fat. I didn't want to do anything else but pull the cover over my head and never come back out again.

"No," he said back sternly when I made a surprising mocking smile. No? Was he seriously telling me that he wasn't going to sleep in Sarah's bed, fuck her now that we were over? I thought he would have jumped at the idea of me giving him his fucking freedom back. "I am not going back to Sarah; I don't want her. I want to make this work; I love you." his face was honest and serious when I was confused. Did he want to stay? Even if things were fucked up, and he loved me... oh, this was so fucking funny, him telling me that he wanted to make it work. He was the one that had gone back to his old wife first and left me like a f*****g stranger.

"Are you sure? I mean, she is perfect. All of her is. She is pretty, nice, smart, and has a good job, giving you three kids, and oh... she isn't fat." I said the last part sourer; I know it was childish of me that of all the things I could get stuck on was Buck calling me fat. "She isn't perfect, nowhere near, and the only reason she is nice to you is that she wants to get closer so that she can break us up; I've seen it before. As I said, you are not my first girlfriend after her and.... Andy...shit.... I'm sorry... I'm sorry for saying that...." I made another scoff. I didn't care if she was fake nice, we all were f*****g fake nice, and she didn't break me apart from Buck, but she sure did her best to help!

"I'm not your girlfriend, Buck. When are you going to get that!? I am your wife, just like she was! You asked me, not the other way around!" I was tired of trying. He didn't see me as his wife, just as his girlfriend, another one on the mill that would soon be forgotten. Great!

"I know you are! That's why I am telling you I don't want to give up. I hate that you fucked him, I do, but I can't hold it over you when I did it first!" Buck was grunting it when I didn't know what to say, holding my arms around myself, trying to get some sense over what he was saying. He wanted to try again. Was that it? Even if I had cheated on him with Jonah?

"What are you really saying here than Buck? That we are just going to forget this shit ever happened, start over?" I sounded accusing, still feeling pissed. Maybe I didn't want to try anymore. Had he even thought about that? or was it all about Buck Underwood and what he wanted!?

"Yeah, that's exactly what I am saying! I love you, and I don't want to lose you or Kira; Andrea, please, let's just make a clean slate and work on shit, I don't know what to do, but we can maybe go see someone or... I don't know... anything..." he stopped when his shoulders fell down when my mocking smile was gone. He was really serious, wasn't he? Us trying again, fair and square or whatever you want to call it... oh god... oh god.....

"I don't know, Buck; I just don't know.... it's not just you... I'm tired... I'm tired of just being a small part of your big life before me. I'm not blaming you for it, but I am sick of being treated like some fucking girlfriend, always last on the list of people you give a shit about. I don't want that!" he was following me when I felt worse, even worse than believing that he was leaving me; I didn't want to fight anymore. I was sick of having his whole old family against me and still trying not to fall apart. They would love that, wouldn't they?

"I want some fucking respect, and I can't get that from anyone around here. people around here, I am always going to be some stupid fat girl that, for some magical reason, got Buck Underwood.... No... no..." I was shaking my head and hands simultaneously; I wasn't going to be that girl anymore. I had kicked Jonah to the curb, and I had no problem pushing back Buck either. I would survive, maybe leave this place and start over.

"You done?" he was still standing there, arms crossed and legs wide apart, looking like he had his shit together. Good for him! I f*****g didn't, never did!

"No, I'm not done! Fuck you! fuck Sarah and fuck you again for calling me fat, I'm not that fucking fat, and you know it! Fucker!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs when Buck didn't move a muscle, didn't even look at me angrily. He was just waiting for me to be done, just like he told me.

"I like the way I look, Buck... I do, and you are making me feel like I can't when you say shit like that like you can't accept that I don't look like Sarah! I am not her; if you want to go and f**k her, then do that, do it! My fat a*s is not going to stop you!" I was shrieking, taking the beer bottle and throwing it over the garden, wishing I could throw something more. Still, I had picked up all the toys and shit lying around for tomorrow, Kira's birthday!

"I like the way you look too... I do..." he said it like he knew just how much I was on the verge of just blowing up, going full nuclear on him! he was the worst, and that was the first time since I met him; I felt that way!

"No, no, don't lie to me. You don't! Clearly, you fucking don't, or you wouldn't have brought it up! I am not up to your f*****g cheerleader standard, is that it? I'm sorry for not being this perfect girl with big tits and a small waist. I was a f*****g loser back in high school, Buck, and I know it, so don't even pretend you find me attractive. Just get the f**k out!" I was pointing to the driveway when he finally made a move, dropping his arms and frowning. Oh, he thought that telling me that I looked fine helped, but it didn't! Not when he was f*****g lying to my face!

"What kind of shit is that me not finding you attractive!?" he was pissed now, seeing that I had been going non-stop for about a minute and a half how much he could go to hell and that he was the worst man on earth. I meant it, every f*****g word! "The truth. Now. F**k off." I said it gritty, turning, slowly walking away; I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to be the one who had to fight for him or be constantly worried that I wasn't skinny enough, that was fucking toxic, and even I knew that.

"I got jealous... okay... Andrea.... Just listen." I stopped, hating that I did. I wanted him to explain himself, but at the same time, I didn't. I was exhausted and was supposed to have a birthday party tomorrow. Telling anyone that asked that Buck and I were splitting up, that was going to suck!

"I don't want you to be Sarah. I mean, come on! Would I ever have been hanging around, stalking you, if I thought you weren't sexy as hell! I'm a guy, Andy, and kind of an asshole. I wanted to fuck you the second I saw that a*s in those ugly khaki pants, just like anyone else around here...." He grinned like it was funny, but I wasn't laughing. That was not the story he was telling me just some time ago, that he was this great man giving a girl like me a chance, fucker!

"Yeah, right...." I snorted it and crossed my arms. Why was he even trying? He made it clear as day, and I wasn't his taste in women.

"Look, I'm not going to go through the whole fucking list of guys around here that I had more or less told to back the fuck off, and I'm not sorry for doing it. I wanted you since I saw you stocking shelves and having that ugly blue shirt that makes your tits look even bigger, and I would do it again." He said it, not missing a beat. To my genuine surprise, what the f**k was he telling me?!

"What?!" I didn't know what to think anymore. He told me that he had told the guys to back off. No f*****g wonder nobody was flirting with me. Buck had been threatening them... I didn't know if I was supposed to be scared or turned on....... probably the last since I was f****d up in the head.... Shit.

"Yeah, that's right. I did it. I told any guy who even thought of talking to you that I would beat the shit out of them if they even tried." I didn't know why but I started to laugh. To Buck's surprise, that was some f*****g psychopath's shit right there... oh my god.... Why did I always attract the crazy ones?

"Buck, that is fucking crazy. You know that, right?" I made another snicker, unable to stop, so Buck was just as jealous as Jonah, worse.... He could have just told me it would have been easier, but it wasn't easy either.

"I don't care. Alright, I know it's fucked up and immature. I can't help it. I was the same with Sarah when we dated. It's in my nature, Andrea. I want something, and I go for it, done." He shrugged when I still was snickered, done. That was so cute and stupid. He was stupid. So stupid.

"Alright." his eyes lit up when I was still standing there, letting him come closer and stepping in the last part into his arms, done.