Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 159

I was staring dead ahead; Buck was driving, and nobody said a word. Not a damn word all the way back to the house when I walked out of the car, going to shower and stay there forever, scrubbing off the guilt that was making me drown, Buck and me pushing James's body over the small rowboat. Wrapped in the tarp, ropes, and stones, seeing the body-shaped plastic sink fast down made me cry again. I was never getting over this. Never. I didn't even undress, just walked straight into the shower, looking up at the scorching water before Buck was behind me, cursing and pulling me out when I started to scream, making him hold me tighter with his strong arms.

"He is dead, f*****g dead, Buck!" I was still screaming when my feet were kicking in the air, Buck holding me back still and feeling like he was riding out the wave like he just had been waiting for me to start freaking out. "Let me go, you son a bitch!" my voice cracked when I shrieked. I didn't care who f*****g heard me, James was dead, and it was my fault; everything was!

"No! I'm not letting go, Andrea, never!" Buck was answering me when I started to get tired. Why didn't he just let me go? Let me drown in the same lake we had sunken down James into; I f*****g deserved it!

"I didn't want him to die; I didn't want him to die, Buck!" I was leaning over now, my sobs making my chest sink up and down. I didn't want him to die.... I just... I wanted him back; was that so fucking hard to understand!?

"James...." I was still not even knowing why I was crying over him. Buck let me go and turned me around, not even caring that I was soaked, making a frown seeing my face that was hot and red from the water that I had just walked into; what did it matter anyway? I just helped him hide a f*****g body!

"I know... I know... it's the worst when your friends die..." he sighed, and I still did not understand how he was this calm. He was there too, and he did most of the work. He told me what to do and kept me calm, I was f*****g lost without him, and I knew it. "Buck, I don't understand.... anything... I hated him and wanted him dead, so much...but...." I couldn't even say the last words when he just nodded, having his arms around me, pulling me to his chest, letting me cry what seemed thousands of times. Buck must be sick of seeing me cry over shit he wasn't in control of or didn't do; I didn't blame him for killing James. He had to die. No matter how much I hated it....

"He was your friend, brother... yeah... I understand, Andy, believe me... I do get it..." he made another small sigh when I looked up. Yeah, I guess so... oh f**k, Buck... he had told me shit... f*****g Iraq. Why hadn't he ever said that to me? I thought he was just this happy guy that was too short-tempered sometimes, but he wasn't. God... did I even know anyone I ever fell in love with?

"Buck.... Oh god...." I didn't even know what to say when he made a slight grin, not knowing what to say either. I guess right now, it didn't matter, really. We were just standing here, my drenched and him holding me. That was all I needed, that he didn't run away, didn't leave me.

"Yeah..." he made another soft chuckle, making me smile, feeling the slightest better; I wasn't going to push him to tell me whatever happened. he didn't push me. Honestly, it wasn't the time for that. Not now.

"I love you; you know that, right?" I was moving my hands over his back when he grunted like he did know that, good. That was all that mattered in the end, me loving Buck and him loving me back.

"I know... shit.... I know you do...." He pushed me closer, making me look up at him more, my eyes etched into his warm gray ones. How the f**k did I get so lucky to have him in my life? taking every turn and twist, I made, dealing with Jonah and all that shit, and James.... Oh, fuck... fuck...

"Buck.... Please.... Do something...." I didn't even know what I wanted when he raised his eyebrows when my hand had sneaked down to his jeans. I wanted them off and him inside me, getting some f*****g release, and I didn't even know why. I was fucked up, and I didn't care!

"You sure?" he was clenching his jaws when I nodded surer than ever, yes. I didn't care how crazy it was, me wanting him to fuck me, burying James just an hour ago, and needing him.

"Yeah, I want you to fuck me, please, Buck...." I was already moving my hands over his shoulders, down towards his t-shirt, pulling at it, wanting to get it off; everything was going to come off, and not a f*****g thing was going to stay on!

"Hold on baby... hold on.... This isn't something you can fuck your way out of, honey. Believe me, I tried...." He wasn't letting me take his shirt when I made a hiss. What the fuck was that supposed to mean!? Didn't he want to f**k me all of a sudden!? "You don't get to tell me shit, got that! You want me to get pregnant, and now when I'm f**king telling you that I need you, want that dick of yours! Your fucking turning me down!?"

I was still screaming at him. Was he so fucking stupid that he didn't get that I needed that? I wanted him to make me feel something other than the pain ripping my chest apart, guilt making me go insane!

"Yeah, I'm turning you down, Andy." Buck sounded even sterner. I just blinked. What the fuck did he just say to me?! he never said no, not one time before, and now all of a sudden, he was some kind of saint that didn't want to what, take advantage of me?! I didn't care!

"Fuck you!" I was already leaving, screaming, and started to rip at his shirt, making the buttons splatter over the floor. I wasn't keeping this shit on, and I was going to burn it along with everything else that reminded me of what had happened!

"Son of a bitch!" my voice echoed when my bra was off, leaving me topless and was on my way to pull down my panties when Buck stood in the doorway, just staring at me in the bathroom, making me stop, what had he changed his fucking mind or what!? "Andrea, it's okay to be angry and sad at what happened." He wasn't even hard; look at him! I was standing here almost f*****g naked, and he wasn't even going for me; what the f**k was wrong with him!? I made a snarl at that. I was angry and sad, so why the fuck was he telling me that shit!?

"SHUT UP, JUST SHUT THE F**K UP, BUCK!" I couldn't take it anymore. Whatever he was trying to do, be reasonable and not freak out like I was doing. It was killing me, and he didn't even want to f**k me; that made me feel even worse, and I hated that I knew somewhere that he was right, but I didn't care, I just saw my best friend die, and I didn't fucking care!

"You done?" He was still leaning, looking at me like he was just waiting for me to tire myself out, fuck I hated that he just did that. It made me feel like I was acting like a child when I wasn't, I had every right to be upset, and he knew it!

"No, no, I'm not fucking done! I don't understand how the fuck you can be so calm over this!? You just killed a man, Buck. He was alive and had dreams and loved me...." I started to cry again. Maybe I had never stopped holding my bra, my hands shaking when I sat down on it; I didn't know what to do anymore. James was dead, and there was no reset button, no do-over. That was it. Gone. Forever.

"Yeah, he did love you, but he wanted to kill you too, and he killed our baby Andy. I told you that I was going to kill him. He almost made me lose you... What would have happened to Kira if that bastard had made it, killed you!? You ever think about that!? you want Kira to go live with a kid that isn't that much older than Mitch, a criminal from what you told me!" I looked up at Buck. He was frowning now when I made a gulp, yeah.... I knew he was right... I did know that..... still.... Oh f**k... Kira!

"Kira, where is she!?" I dropped the bra. Omg! What if Jonah had let me down again!? I was going to kill him if he had taken her back to his Ma, f*****g Fiona!

"Relax...... she is with Sarah and Sophia. Jonah dropped her off here, but I wanted to go after you when he told me what happened. I have no fucking idea how he could just walk away when he knew what that bastard had done. You keep saying that he loves you and Kira, but he sure doesn't act like that, Andy?!" Buck was closer now when I shook my head, thankful Buck had gotten Kira away from me at the moment. She didn't need to see me like this. Buck was way more intelligent than I ever would be.

"I don't know... alright.... he doesn't... he doesn't think like you do, Buck.... Shit, he is young and...." I swallowed my last words seeing Buck's accusing eyes, he was angry but not at me, at Jonah, and I knew he was right. He told me he loved me and let Kira and me down. Shit.

"He doesn't think. Period." Buck's voice was deeper and stern when I shrugged, yeah that was probably the truth... that's why he and I were the perfect couples because I was just as clueless as he was; at least he could blame it on something; I was almost forty and couldn't even make this shit up if I tried.

"What do you want me to say, Buck, that he let me down is this selfish bastard?" I didn't want to talk about Jonah or anything else. I just wanted to shower, forget I existed, see Kira, and tell her that I was never leaving her again.

"You know he is, so why the hell are you still letting him come back into your life and ruin it for you and Kira? Do you think this will be easier when she gets older?! a criminal father that left her for what, that he got scared?! We all are fucking scared, Andrea! I know what it feels like to be him, and still, I didn't leave when Mitch was born because it wasn't my fucking age. It's who I am!" Buck was not sparing me when I stared at his angry face. Whatever I thought about him not getting angry, scratch that, he was furious, and he didn't even scream at me. He was talking in a thoughtful slow manner that pierced my heart every time he spoke.

"Jonah is a fucking selfish bastard, and he always will be. I don't care if he is nineteen or forty; this is who he is, Andrea! When are you going to get that baby!?" He grabbed my shoulders, making me look at him when I was stunned. I didn't know how to answer that, biting my lip and just feeling them tremble, my eyes burning from all the crying, Buck was right, and I knew that; it just sucked so fucking much hearing someone say it to my face.

"I know.... I know, alright.... I know that, Buck, it just... it fucking hurts, alright!?" I was trying to get my words out, one at a time. He stared into my eyes. I wished Jonah wasn't so f*****g selfish, but he was. He really was.

"Andrea, it's time you let go of him. You told me often that I should do that with Sarah, giving me shit about that. I spent almost twenty years with her, and you can't let go of a guy you only spent a few months with since he left you hanging all the time?" Buck was making sense he was, and I hated that before I had Kira. I really didn't care about that part, Jonah coming and going. I still wanted him when he couldn't accept that I wasn't having his baby, oh god... how much easier things would have been, Kira wasn't that, but she

was.

"You're right.... fuck, Buck.... Fuck...." I couldn't say more, and I just couldn't. Buck wasn't the bad guy here, and he never was. It was me, and I allowed Jonah to hurt me again.

F**k.

"I'm going to adopt Kira because, honestly, Andrea, I'm done with this shit. She is my daughter, and I am not just waiting for him to return and take her away." I was just staring at Buck's serious face; this was not what I believed we would have a conversation about. Buck is adopting Kira. Shit. Shit, he was serious, was he? About the whole adoption thing?

"Jonah is not going to agree to that... Buck... he has money and...." I didn't even get to finish that before Buck made a smirk like he knew that too, but he wasn't afraid. What the hell couldn't this guy do!?

"I know, but I don't care; he isn't going to put that much effort into it when he gets tired, and... then I will be there to make him sign the papers, no matter what he feels about it." I was speechless. Why did it sound like he was talking about something other than just having Jonah sign a paper? Then again, he killed another human being and wasn't even upset, more determined than ever.

"Okay, what about me? You haven't even asked me if I'm fine with that?" I was trying to make him do something more than just look so damn calm, it was making me nervous, and I didn't like Buck just being like this, almighty and shit.

"I asked Kira, and she said yes, so I don't care what you or that kid says. I'm going to adopt her, and you know I'm her daddy, and you are my wife, so this is happening." Buck was smirking when I dropped whatever anger I was feeling towards him, just assuming that I would be okay with this, he asked Kira. Of course, he did.

"Oh, Buck... this is not going to be easy... you have no idea what you are up against. It's not only Jonah... it's his f*****g Ma too, and she has realized that Kira is her only option and...." I stopped again, shit. Holy shit. Jonah had come here to take Kira from me, hadn't he?

"I ain't backing down, Andy; I told you so many times, I'm not a quitter...." He made a chuckle when I couldn't smile back. I couldn't. my best friend was dead, and Jonah wanted to get Kira, and he had only given her up because I had begged him, my last final wish. "I know Buck, and I love you for that... but I need a f*****g shower and think shit over...." I was letting go and walking back towards the shower, pushing my panties down, leaving me naked under his gaze.

"I love you more than I ever have loved any woman, so I will do anything for you, Andrea, and I'm not Jonah. I don't say shit and don't follow through with shit, take it or leave it, baby..." he made another smile that was sadder than anything else when I stared back at him, panties still in my hands, on the way to the laundry and made a huff, yeah. I knew he was.

"Yeah, I know that too...." I didn't say more, putting my panties down and staring at him, still standing there, staring at me naked and lost. This was the real me, too. I wasn't so fucking badass as I wanted people to believe; I wanted to run and hide from my problems, not face them as he did.

"Buck.... I don't know what to do, okay? That the truth.... I love you too, but I know that I'm still waiting for Jonah to come back somewhere deep inside me. I don't even know why. I have been beaten up, raped, kidnapped, and both my best friend got killed since I met him. It's f*****g complicated...." I looked down, crossing my arms, there. I said it. I wasn't him. He didn't love Sarah, but I still loved Jonah, no matter what had happened. No matter how much shit he had put me through, I knew in my head that it was wrong, so why the fuck was my heart so stupid?

"That's fine, I already knew that... you aren't that hard to read, baby, I saw your face when you told me who he was, and I'm not that stupid that I can't tell when I woman still have feelings. Shit, you know how many girls I dated, cheated with.... Andy, like I said when we dated, I know I have done wrong and can't change that, but I'm trying here, and that's all I want from you, alright?" He sounded way softer when I looked up, suffering, seeing his warm eyes, yeah, he did tell me that, and I did have the worst taste in men. I mean, come on. Buck Underwood around here was a freaking walking legend, and I knew it back in the day, even if nobody told me before it was too late. I was already in love with him. "Tell me about Iraq," I said harder, he wanted to try together, and I wasn't going to just give in that easy. He was going to tell me something; at least, I deserved that after Jonah.

His face fell when he heard me, and I made I sigh, see? This was what I talked about. I was sick of having relationships with men that didn't tell me shit, I didn't say he had to tell me every gruesome detail, but something so I knew what he had done or shit like that. "Fine. Ask me. anything." I cringed when he said it with a straight face. Was he serious? Wasn't he not going to tell me that it was confidential or that he didn't want to talk about that? I didn't need to know. "Don't look at me like that; there isn't anything you can ask or say that I haven't told my therapist or been told already...." He chuckled when I was stunned again; what did I want to know about him?

"You went to therapy?" I was still confused; he was the last man on earth. I thought he would be one of these guys who refused that shit, instead just drinking and living in a cottage in the wilderness of Canada.

"Yeah, of course, I did.... Andy, listen... I don't know what I can tell you. I killed people more than I wanted to. It was bad, more than some kid that is a gangster and flees as soon as the heat gets on. I don't blame him. I saw enough guys go under that were his age. I mean, I was his age when I was over there..." he stopped when I realized I was holding my breath, Buck was sounding so raw. I didn't know If I wanted to know more, he was right. It was bad, worse than I ever could imagine.

"Buck... stop... no, I don't need to know...." I was stepping towards him when he held up his hand like he did want to tell me, and now when I had asked, it was too late. Oh shit.

"No, you do need to know. You are right. You married me, and I didn't tell you, which wasn't fair. I just... I don't want to spend my life in that time in my head. I was serious when I said that I was happy for the first time since I met you, Andy, you, and Kira..." my heart clenched hearing that f**k. I didn't deserve Buck. He was the best.

He loved me, a stupid housewife that fell for a teenager and didn't even fight back until it was too late.

"Staff Sergeant, that was my rank when I got out. That means, Andrea, I have seen friends die, Andy, been in places that people shouldn't be, I learned to accept that." I didn't know if he wanted me to come closer or not, but I didn't care, and snaking my arms around his waist, I loved him so much, and he was right. He didn't lie to me and treated me far better than Jonah ever did, and Kira... oh god.... I was so stupid... thinking that I was the only one that would have a past that haunted me, Buck had been through shit, and he handled shit far better than me; maybe he just was that kind of guy.

"Okay... okay.... So... now I know... Iraq..." I made a smile that I didn't even know where it came from, I just loved him, and that was it; was it more complex than that, really? We just clicked.

"Yeah... fucking Iraq.... Fucked my first therapist too... didn't do me any good..." he made a snicker when I did one, too, of course, he did.... Shit.... This was the worst day of my life, and still, I didn't feel like it, not with Buck; he was the best.

"You want to shower with me? you don't even have to fuck me...." I smiled at his grin when I said that, pushing my boobs against his chest, knowing he would. He had said no, but he wasn't going to now, and I already knew that by moving my arms around his neck and making a bigger smirk at his, I loved him.

"Oh, I'm going to f**k you, darling; as you said, I want to get you pregnant, have a baby with you, and all that..." I laughed hearing that, yeas I was laughing, and he made me do that, Andrew Buck Underwood, fucking miracle worker.

"Okay, yeah... I love you, Bucky, more than I can say... I do..." I loved that he lifted me up, still dressed when I wrapped my legs around him, just feeling his mouth against mine, he was a great kisser.

He didn't answer, walking into the shower with his clothes on and making me laugh more. He really was the best.