Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 175

"Andrea, thank god!" I was asleep hearing the voice of Buck coming through the heaviness in my head. Making me smile, finally, he was here, and he could tell me about our sons! I really wanted to see them, but I couldn't really leave just yet, and they were in another ward; it was almost torturing having to know that you had babies at another place in the same hospital and you couldn't see them.

"Bucky..." I was reaching out my hand, feeling the rough one that was taking it, Buck was the best man in the world, and I loved him so much he had no idea. The thought of him killing himself was scaring me so bad that my stomach was still hurting from just thinking about it!

"Andy, ...... how are you feeling?" Buck was close, way closer than I guess you should be, making me smile more seeing his worried face, he was always worried for me, but I was safe, and so were our kids. Nothing could make me happier.

"I'm alive...." He made a sad smile upon hearing my stupid joke. Well, I didn't mean it like that; apparently, I was on the verge of dying due to the blood loss, and they had a hard time finding it.

"Yeah.... That you are.... Thank you, Jesus....." Buck was holding my hands in his, kissing them, and looking at me happier than he had before. I wanted to kiss him back, but I was too exhausted and just made a bigger smile. He was really so handsome and caring. I hated that he had to take care of Sarah, but I didn't want him to leave me. I loved him, and we had a family now. There was nothing that could stop us, not anymore.

"So, how are the boys? Do they look like you or me?" I made a small snicker when Buck's smile died out, making mine do too in the same second, had something happened to them? The doctor had assured me they were safe and stable and that I would see them the second I was stable enough to get there.

"Andrea.... Listen...." Buck was sighing, looking defeated, when I was confused. What was it now? He didn't need to make it so dramatic. He wasn't that kind of man, after all.

"What?" I raised my eyebrows, just waiting on him to continue, he said my real name, so whatever it was, I knew it wasn't any good.

"I'm not the father." He made a hurt sound when I knew my mouth was opened now, no! No, he was! They told me that the twins were with their dad and .... Oh no... oh no....no! "Fuck!" I closed my eyes hard, so it was Jonah who was at the neo ward; then, of course, it f*****g was, and of course, he f****d me one time and made me pregnant!

"Yeah, you could say that again......" Buck made a small chuckle leaning back and staring at nothing, so that was it. Jonah was the father of all my kids and now had nothing to lose. He could take my babies, just like his spinless mother wanted to take back to homeland, over my dead body!

"Buck, get me my damn gun!" I was trying to get out of bed, and I was going to kill Jonah and put an end to this once and for all. He was always in my way, hounding me and destroying my life when I just wanted to be happy! Why couldn't I be happy for once!? "Woooh, hold your horses, you aren't going anywhere, you still not healed up and...." I made a snarl hearing that, so I wasn't healed up!? I wanted my children; if Jonah took them from me, I might kill myself!

"I don't fucking care, don't you get that, Buck!? I don't f*****g care if I'm hurt. Jonah is not taking Kira or any one of my sons back to a wife that can't have kids just because his whore of a catholic mother wants it!" I was already panting when Buck was holding my arms, stopping me from going up from the bed that I wanted, feeling the adrenaline rushing my every part. I would stop at nothing to make sure that didn't happen. Nothing!

"Andrea, listen to me! He can't just take them! You are still their mother and..." he was holding my wrist as gently as he started to let go, and it made me even more scared; when he leaned back again, crossing his arms and looking at the floor, I knew that look, and I

didn't like it. His grey eyes usually had warmness when he looked at me, Kira, and his family. They were blank like he had lost hope and was in a place where I didn't know how to reach him.

"I'm nothing...." He made another chuckle, not looking at me, fuck, he really was hurting, and here I was crying over Jonah. I wanted Buck to stop acting like this and be himself, no matter how selfish it was!

"Buck, you are not nothing! You are my husband, and I love you....and you are Kira's daddy. She loves you more than me...." I tried to make him laugh when he didn't. He just stared at me like I was stupid for even trying to make my heart hurt, even more, f**k he was really down the rabbit hole right now...

"Andrea, I want a divorce..." he didn't look at me when my last ragged breath felt my chest go up and down fast, grasping at the cheap covers. He wanted what!? It made no sense, he didn't want one before I went into labor or whatever had happened!? No, he wanted to come with me, follow me wherever I walked!

"Buck, whatever you say right now, that isn't you... baby, please..." I was reaching out for his hand when he leaned back more, making himself out of range for me, still on the chair and looking away, so he was serious then? Was that it?!

"I'm not stupid, Andy, I know what the hell I'm saying, and I'm telling you that I can't do this anymore... were not going to work anymore...." I was staring at his hopeless silhouette. He really felt that way, didn't he? I didn't know what to say to that. What did you tell a man you loved so much it hurt to be without him?

"I.... I don't know what to say, Buck. I just... I don't want to get a divorce, never wanted one...." I was still staring at him, both of us not moving, like we were waiting on the other one to wake up and tell them something else, him for me to agree and me for him to take back all the things he just had said right now.

"Yeah...well, I do..." he finally looked up, making my first tear fall like it was all I needed to start sniffling. My stomach hurt more when he made a sigh, turned the cap around, and looked away. I didn't understand anything, we were so happy, and now suddenly we weren't!?

"Is it because the boys aren't yours, is it?" I was whispering it, trying to get some words out from my sobbing, but he didn't say anything back, just stared at the floor again, so it was that.... I made a mocking sound, so all that shit about him not caring about whose kids it was, all bullshit then?!

"It is, fuck you, Buck... you told me you didn't care, and you did! all that talk about us being a family and that, it was just fucking lies then!?" I was already raising my voice, ignoring the fact that people could hear us, f**k that! Let the entire world know that Buck Underwood was a f*****g liar that only wanted something as long as it suited him!

"I don't care, never did Andrea!" He finally snapped back at me when I made a mocking laugh back at his face that was hurt, and every muscle was tense like he was waiting to attack something or someone, on f*****g edge. I knew that all too well too! "Sure, you don't! Look at you sitting here being all man and telling me to my face that I have to fight Jonah, on my own, against f*****g how many people that will be bought and paid for, you f*****g traitor!" I took the water glass from my bedside and splashed it all over his face and shirt before I knew what I had done.

Buck was staring at me like he couldn't believe I did that; well, he didn't know shit! He was lucky I didn't have a gun, or else he would be a fucking wet spot on the wall and not just covered with water!

"Are you done?" He was calm as a fucking cucumber when I started to cry hysterically. No, I was not fucking done, he wanted to divorce me now when I needed him more than ever, and he was a f*****g a*****e that was really good at playing the good guy, just like Jonah!

"Yeah... yeah Buck....... it semes like I'm done..." I wasn't looking at him, trying to make as little eye contact as possible. I sure didn't want him to sit here and stare at me. I needed to get better and prepare to face Jonah and his awful mother all alone... We both went quiet again when I was still crying, and he was sitting there. Why didn't he just fucking leave? He was the one that wanted a divorce, and I hadn't even seen my newborns!

"Andrew, just leave...." I said it into my hands. I didn't even want to look at him. He didn't deserve it. I had forgiven him for cheating on me, for his kids being monsters against me, and for an ex-wife that he couldn't shake. I think I deserved some alone time after he dropped on me.

"Oh, shit... I hate that name.... only my mom used to call me that...." Buck chuckled again, reminding me he hadn't left when I didn't look up from having my face buried. So what? What did I care about what he liked or didn't like anymore? He was just a part of my life that was over.

"She used to tell me that I was named after my daddy, but let's face it... I never knew him, died before I was born, and then what?" Buck was staring out into the distance, his hands clasped together and his legs out like he wasn't moving anywhere. He really was making me confused, talking about wanting to divorce me. Still, when I asked him, he brought up his dead parents, whom he didn't want to discuss.

"I swore on the day that I had my own kids, Andrea, that it would be different, I would be different but... I ended up with the same kind of woman my momma was...." Buck was still not looking at me, just staring at the window, hurting me even more. He wanted to confess to me about trying and failing?! I invented that fucking concept!

I wish that he could leave; with all my heart, I wished that Buck would just get up and leave me, disappear from my life, and at the same time, I was scared to death to know that I would never see him again, never get to love him.

Buck switched his eyes to me, still unsure what I saw in them. Regret and love somewhere made me feel even worse, so he still loved me. Still, he couldn't accept that Jonah was the birth father and not him. He wanted this so bad, and me too.

"My mom was a drunk, Andy, and I don't mean the kind you see around town. No, she was smart about it, made sure that people didn't know, and I helped her. I was a kid, and I sure as hell didn't want the town to know that she could spend the whole Sunday drinking, pass out on her bed when I was still in second grade, and make sure she didn't drown in her own vomits." Buck smiled at my shocked face. Yeah, I was shocked.

He never told me that. Never! He fucking killed a man but seeing him like this, the honest hurt he was showing, was something new.

"So, when I said that I didn't care, I didn't... I just.... Sarah is in a bad place right now, I told Mitch he isn't my son anymore, and Sophia isn't speaking to me, and you... fucking dying and I had nothing more .... he stopped taking a deep breath, making me hold my own one. He what?!

"I can't be around anymore, for you or for anyone else, those are your boys, and I'm just a waste of space these days, just a fucking caretaker for my ex-wife, leaving the only woman I really loved to die..." he faded out making me start to cry again, I never stopped. He was looking just as lost as me.

"I love you, Bucky. Stop saying that shit and come back to me! I need you, and you know I can't face Jonah alone.... Please....." I was reaching out my hand again, scared to death he would reject me. He was staring at my hand like he was wondering what would happen if he took it, and to be honest, I had no idea either. I knew we were supposed to be together, no matter what happened around us.

"It's not him this time, Andy. For once, it's not him messing us up; it's my family and me...." He started to cry now, open, and I didn't know what to think. Buck had never cried before me, never, no hiding and just plain showing me that he had given up, and it was hurting me just at much as it was scaring me!

"I'm sorry...." He got up, making me stare into his eyes. No, he was not leaving me! He was not getting a fucking divorce and leaving me alone with three kids who all needed him, and I needed him!

"Buck, don't you fucking dare take that ring off!" I was on my way up from the bed when he dragged the band of his left finger. How the f**k could he be so selfish and leave me? I loved him!

"You can't stop me, Andrea, never could..." he made a weird sad smile when he gently pushed me back into the bed, ensuring I wasn't hurt, and then left without even looking back. Buck left and left his wedding ring on the bedside table, making me close my eyes hard, tears falling down while the knot in my stomach grew bigger. Oh f**k...