Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 205

The sounds of someone making curses when I was lying down, rolling over on the side, and groaning into the pillow hadn't woken me up. No, it was the intense fear that had struck me the second my eyes were open that he was gone! "Jonah!?" my voice was scared and desperate in the dark bedroom when the door was open the slightest, showing me a tiny sliver of light that was going over the bed when I was already up from the covers, wanting nothing more than find him no matter how stupid and desperate it was, if he had left me alone here in my apartment, I would die!

"Yeah, I'm still here...." I followed the slightly amused voice into my small kitchen, stopping when I swear, I was about to fall over from the shock and embarrassment of seeing Jonah standing by my sink, sweater rolled up, and doing dishes that I knew were older than one week. Shit.

"Oh god..." I was still just staring at him when he was putting another plate on the rack, making me feel even more like I wanted to die from the embarrassment of having him here and cleaning up my mess that was overdue for God knows how long! "Don't.... just leave it, and I will do them... later...." I said it, not even believing it myself, when he made a scoff like he could hear it too, the will of me existing that had faded slow but steady since Buck told me he wanted a divorce... I hadn't even noticed until now. "Sure.... Just take this." Jonah threw the towel at me when I did a sigh and walked over, still feeling like shit that he was here and cleaned. I mean, if he didn't want me before, he probably wouldn't want to touch me knowing that I was living like a goddam pig these days, only doing the necessary for my kids and not giving a shit about the rest.

I was drying off the plate slowly and putting it in the cabin, reaching above his head, already missing being close when he moved so I could get by, taking away the part of me that had hoped that he wanted to carry me meant something more than what it was, just him being nice and wanting to talk alone, about Kira probably before he told me to back the fuck off from him and Shailene.

When he gave me the next one, I was already sniffling, hating that I felt so bad, just holding the plate, not even drying it when he was still scrubbing the leftovers that had dried and were molded on the plate I knew was at least a week old since the kids left. "Andrea don't start crying... please.... I said we could talk, but I am not going to just sit here and look at this shit; it's disgusting!" Jonah snapped with his dark voice, breaking me out from the self-pity I was feeling, staring to rub the plate again, nodding like I had heard him when he sighed, putting the next clean plate on the rack.

"I'm sorry.... I'm sorry... I know it's a fucking mess, just like me, and I was going to clean up when Buck got the kids, but.... I can't. I come home from work, and I can't." I wasn't looking at him when he didn't answer that, just stared at me, having my eyes on the damn plate that I knew had been dry for the last minute, and still, I was too scared to put it in the cabinet, knowing that I had to see his eyes, blaming me for being such a disgusting human being that couldn't even wash a damn plate after I was done with it. "Andrea....." Jonah's voice wasn't angry like I had thought it would be. He didn't seem to be mocking me when I was trying to find the courage to look at him, standing beside me to the left and staring at me like he didn't know what to say. "It's fine, you know what? Let's just get this shit done and then.... We will talk...." I made another nod, hearing that, flinching when I suddenly felt his hand on mine, taking the plate from my hands and giving me a slight hope again when his fingers caressed the back of my hand when he was doing it.

The kitchen looked nice, not a mess. Making me feel bad again, seeing Jonah put away some shit I hadn't picked up. The enormous amounts of toys scattered everywhere were back in the boxes, and the benches were wiped down.

I was watching him, leaning over and picking stuff up, not knowing what I was doing it for. I just like looking at him, always had, even before we f****d the first time, back when I didn't know if I was going insane on the part of him loving me back, just as strong as me. "Andrea, I know I'm hot, but stop staring and help...." He made a smirk when I felt the hard blush of being caught staring at him, like I hadn't seen him naked, fucked him, and all the other shit that had been between us.

"Yeah... sure..." I was rambling it when he did a bigger smirk, seeing it to my stupid smile when our eyes met. I really thought he was hot, and it didn't matter if he was dressed in a shirt, suit, or hoodie, even when he was using drugs; I f*****g loved him. "Okay... so... fucking done... at least the kitchen..." He made a sigh when I did one, too. Yeah, it was way more than I imagined it would be. We must have been doing this for an hour, and still, I needed to scrub off the walls filled with one of the boys having a pen left after Kira and making graffiti with it.

"Yes... fucking finally..." I was feeling better when he made a chuckle hearing me curse, to my stupid smile. Yeah, I cursed a lot. He wasn't any better, and he knew that.

I got scared again, dropping my smile, and I didn't hide it. We were done, and this was it, no more a*****e answer in a busy diner in front of people when he didn't want to tell me the truth.

Just us being alone here in my apartment that still needed a deep cleaning, even with the kitchen not being a total f*****g mess, thanks to Jonah, that was leaning on the counter, looking like he felt the same way. Well, maybe he wasn't scared as me. Still, he looked like he didn't know where to start, and I felt the same way.

"Andrea.... Look... I do love, and you know that...." He said it still conflicted, having his arms crossed, and had rolled up his sleeves, making him even more attractive in all that was going on. I hated myself for even noticing it, this was serious, and he was not here to fuck me; he told me so himself.

"...I just don't know if it's the best choice, you know? Us being together and...." He stopped when I made a frown. Not the best f*****g choice!? He loved me, told me, and he still said that!

I was scowling when he looked back at me like he could already feel the hard anger coming from my eyes, listening to shit about us not being good for each other, so we didn't get along all the time. Who fucking cared about that!? I loved him, and he loved me. We were fucking meant to be, and he knew that too!

"fucking save it! You are too afraid to go against your Ma, and you fucking love that good girl you married! What more is there to say then!? Get the f**k out!" my teeth gritted when I was pointing at the door, not knowing where my anger just had bloomed from, the intense hurt of betrayal still in my chest from when he told me he got married. That one was hard to get over, no matter what!

"You sure? because I'm not fucking coming back if you throw me out this time...." I gasped hearing that when he looked at me, angry too, eyes dark and burning when he meant it. Was he really going to leave then, leave me, and I never get to see him again unless he was coming to get Kira!?

I didn't answer him, couldn't when my arm fell down again like I had lost the same anger that had flared up in me, only leaving the merciless darkness that was in my soul when I was staring at the floor, feeling myself wanting to go back to the bed and give up. My breath hitched when he stood there, watching me like he wanted to do something. Still, he didn't; when I was breathing faster, trying to control myself and couldn't, I was alone. There was no hope for me. Nobody in this whole f*****g world loved me when I gave my heart to them, betrayed me at my darkest hours.

"Get off me! Just said you were leaving, so why the fuck are you still here, Jonah!?" I sneered when I felt his hands on my arms, yanking me back from the coldness inside me growing for every second I was staring into it. He couldn't save me.

"I'm still here! I have always been here, Andrea; when are you going to f*****g get that inside your head!?" Jonah was shaking me the slightest when I didn't believe him, staring at me with his dark burning eyes that were the same color as Kira, her and my boys being the only thing in the world that made me want to do better.

"I've always been there from the fucking second I saw you! I love you, and I am telling you that I have never left you, no matter what the fuck you believe!" Jonah was still holding me firmly when I was just staring back, losing whatever I was feeling into his burning eyes, anger mixing with the passion that made me want to believe him; still, he had let me down so many times with his track record.

"I love you, and...." He made a sigh, relaxing his firm grip around my arms like he was trying to make sense of what was going on inside of him; being a mess same as me, I didn't know shit. All I knew was that I fucking loved him and that nothing would change that, no matter how many times we fought, screamed, or betrayed each other.

"I love you, Jonah. I don't care about the rest, not your wife or Ma, or that you are fucking criminal that made my life hell than anyone else has ever done to me... or that we are fourteen years apart. I just love you." My hands had found his face, and he didn't stop me from caressing him over the sharp edges. He really was handsome, but that wasn't what I loved about him the most.

No, the strong force in his eyes when he wanted something, the sheer power that made me and everyone else around him drawn in. He was a beacon, and nothing would change that. He was everything I ever wanted and more, the life force that was keeping mine awake in a world that had been dull and grey without him, he was my soulmate, match, and he knew that same as me.

"Fuck..." He made a slight wobble like my raw feelings were hitting him right in the chest, unable to withstand what I was doing to him. Never did when I was having him by the balls and putting pressure on him.

"I'm fucking insane for saying this... I love you, Andrea, so fucking much and.... You have no idea how bad I wanted to kill Buck, came this f*****g close to just do it...." He was breathing heavier, meaning every word when I didn't look away because I wasn't afraid of that. He went dark and told me that he did bad shit. I was just as bad even if people couldn't see it.

"Well.... Same.... Shailene better watches her fucking back....." I made grin when he still was trying to catch his breath. I had wrapped my arms around his neck, not caring that he was still trying to make sense of the hard blow that had made him say that he loved me and that he belonged with me, not some girl that was from the homeland.

"So... we are fucking doing this or what?" Jonah was still looking like he didn't really believe this was happening when I did a smirk. Yes, we were fucking doing this, and fuck anyone that was telling us that we couldn't be together or stand in our way. "We are f*****g doing this, baby...." I giggled, seeing the burning in his eyes get intense like he couldn't believe I just said I wasn't scared of his life, of anything, when he was close to me and never was.

Jonah smirked, hearing that, placing his arms around me and pulling me closer, he loved me, and this was us finally getting what we deserved.

I was not backing from him for anything or anyone, not Shailene or Fiona. Not even the f*****g mob that came along with his life.

"Shit, Ma is going to kill me... Andrea... you better get fucking ready.... "he chuckled when I didn't care, let her do whatever the fuck she wanted. I wasn't letting him go now when I had him here in my kitchen, pushing his d**k, not even trying to cover up how f*****g hard he was for me.

"Just fucking kiss me already, Jonah...." I smirked back when he was leaning down closer, pulling me up so I could reach him when our lips brushed the slightest, making me nibble at his lip before feeling the sweet mint that made me moan when he pushed his lips hard against mine.