Heart Of A Lycan King
Chapter 77

AIDEN.

I didn’t know how much I missed her, or maybe I knew. I knew the gravity of my actions. The pain it is causing me. The desperate yearning for my mate. I want to hear her voice. Have her in my arms.

Now that I did acknowledge my feelings, accepting the gravity of my actions, I don’t know if I have enough sanity to hold back. I don’t know if I can continue to play the tough guy with no emotions because this woman owns everything of me.

The moment her voice hit my ear, I knew it. I knew that nothing would make me ever let go of her. Not even the guilt eating at me.

“I missed you so much,” I heard her say, her voice a breathy whisper. “How are you doing?”

I felt Leo stir, and that made me happy. Ever since the incident with the goblin and Matteo: the connection between us has been faint. But he and I (him especially)were weak from the process we exerted on Matteo. That and the fact that we were blocking everyone off. Including the one person that can make all this better.

My voice was barely a whisper as I did my damnedest to contain the raging inferno in my heart. “I’m fine.”

“And training?” She continued cheerfully, the crunching sound of her chewing something hitting my ears. “Is it good?”

“It is,” I swallowed, looking around the empty training ground. “I am…”

“I missed you,” she said again, cutting me off. Her voice sounded like a low purr, and that caused the hair on my skin to rise. “Correction, I miss you, Rabin Rai.” She added. “I wish you could place your hand on my chest and feel how it hurts. How it beats just from missing you.”

Another ragged breath left my lips, before I shut my eyes and pressed my fingers to my ears. I should return the words, tell her how badly I’m missing her, how sorry I am for my actions. But that would only give her hope that I am good enough for her.

When in reality, I’m not. I do not deserve her.

I miss you more, Nala. I thought quietly.

“How was therapy?” I managed to ask after swallowing the large lump in my throat.

“I finished a few hours ago. It was fine. Exhausting but fine.” She replied. “When is your game?”

“In two days,” I replied, squinting my eyes at the settling sun. “I’ll train for an hour or two more before I retire for the day.”

“Sounds like a good plan. We should play a truth and dare game afterward. I’ll let you know when the time is. Be ready in three hours, that is enough time for you to shower and rest, right?”

“I don’t think I can play that game, Nala. I am not the best option for that.”

“Of course, you can. I want to spend quality time with my mate even though he’s away. And you’ll always be my best option in everything, Rabin Rai.”

Oh, Nyala! Every time she calls me that, every time her small voice carries the sound of the name to my ears, I feel my heart squeeze. Not a gentle squeeze, and certainly not the ‘you are crazy kinda squeeze’.

No. It is the type of squeeze that leaves one breathless, bare in front of one’s opponent. The type that makes the yearn and desperation to be with Nala burn even more.

I want to hold my woman. I want to lay in bed with her cradled in my arms. I want to listen to her speak about things that excite her. I want to watch as she fixes her hair or dances aimlessly to a song she doesn’t know. I want to watch her stare at me. I want to look at her eyes, those brown eyes as she laughs.

I simply want my woman. But I’m incapable of keeping her safe.

“Aiden? Are you there?” Her voice floated through, bringing me out of my reverie.

“Yes, Nala. I’m a bit busy right now hence why…”

“That’s okay. I’ll let you be now. But I’m going to call later and we’re going to talk more. Okay?”

“Uhmn,” was all I could say. My mind was reeling with so many things.

“Take care. I love you so much, Rabin Rai.” She whispered and blew a k**s through the phone before she ended the call.

I sat there on the field, phone in hand, eyes burning, with a terrible headache.

What the f**k am I doing? I know this isn’t what I want, and I know how much I’m hurting both Nala and I. But the pain is what I deserve, because on several occasions, I have let my anger cloud my senses, rip me of every sanity, and that isn’t a good trait for a king and a mate.

If I continue doing this, if I continue being around her with all my anger issues, I’ll hurt her. She’ll end up getting hurt and that would ultimately break me even more.

Distance. Distance is the best answer for me here. For us both.

It wasn’t what I wanted, but blocking her off is the right answer. At least, it had protected her from feeling my pain and exhaustion when I was mentally torturing Matteo, and that is fine.

It has been hard enough not hearing her voice all day yesterday. I wanted nothing more than to call her, nothing more than to hear her as she calls me ‘Rabin Rai’, or have her ask me about my day. But I couldn’t. Because the moment I dare call her, I know I’m going to lose it. So I kept myself busy by training non-stop and attending the football seminar planned.

When her text came in late yesterday evening, I had to restrain myself so that I didn’t send a reply. She misses me. As much as it made me happy knowing that, I was also sad. When I had left that morning, I deemed it the right thing to do. That way I won’t have to face her as I bid her farewell, because I knew, deep within me, that I wouldn’t have been able to hold these walls up this long.

I felt guilty with all that happened. If I was a better mate and king, Donald wouldn’t have gotten hurt, nor would I have put Nala in danger twice. I tried, I had tried to get past that guilt, but every time I recall what happened, and how close I was to losing her twice, the walls go back up.

It took a lot of strength from me during the festival not to attack Matteo all over again when I saw her all worried about Camila getting hit. Then it took even more strength when she told me she loves me.

How was I going to hold this damn fort I had built between us if she’s trying to break it? She didn’t sound angry when we spoke just now, nor did she sound bored. If anything, she sounded so excited to talk to me, and the prospect of playing her little game with me later.

Nala, I need to protect you. And this is the only way I know. This was something both Leo and I had agreed on. Because my anger intensified more when he’s angry, and that has been the case on several occasions.

My phone vibrated in my hands, and for a brief moment, I wanted to ignore it. It was already 7pm now, which means the rest of the team and the coach will be here in thirty minutes.

I stared at the name on my screen, unable to pickup till the call ended. But then another came in, and I knew Mama wouldn’t give up until I answered.

“Amari, have you been told you are stubborn?”

“Mama…”

“How are you?” She cut me off.

“I’m fine. Ina wuni?”

“Lafiya qalau. How is training?”

I sighed. “All good, Mama. How are you?”

“How do you think I am? I mean, you’re blocking everyone off. Of course I’m worried sick, Aiden.”

I kept quiet, no idea what to say.

“Do you think you’re being fair to us, Amari?”

“I’m not blocking anyone…”

“I am your mother, Amari. I know you the best. I know more about you than anyone else. You don’t pickup or return Donald’s calls, same with Lacie and Mav. And I don’t even want to imagine what you’re making Natasha go through.”

“I’m protecting you all. I’m protecting her.”

“Really?” Mama’s voice was taunting. “Does she need any protection from you? I mean, what mate blocks off his partner and claims he’s protecting them?”

“But Mama…”

“I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do, Amari. You know yourself better than anyone does. And I’m certain you know how much this is hurting you both, and even us. Would you put yourself first? Or consider the others as well?”

“I’m putting everyone first, Mama. I am…”

“No, Amari,” Mama said quietly. “You’re not. You are putting yourself first. I am not saying you shouldn’t put yourself first, that wouldn’t be right. But maybe consider the feelings of others and make the decision fitting for everyone?”

I massaged my temples, the throbbing headache making it hard to focus on what Mama was saying, or the fact that the team had arrived. I know Mama is right, but this is the only way I can bear the guilt of what happened.

“This is for the best,” I murmured. “Trust me, Mama.”

“Well, if you insist,” Mama’s tone was sad. “But I hope you know you’re destroying the beautiful foundation you’ve laid your relationship on. I also hope you think about what she must be thinking right now. If you are acting this way because you’re blaming her for what happened and…”

“I am not blaming her!” I said a bit heatedly. “I will never blame her for this because she isn’t to be blamed. She has no fault in this.”

“Well, does she know that?” Mama laughed softly. “Your actions say otherwise, Amari. So she’ll most certainly think that way. If you insist that it is your way of protecting her and us, by blocking us off , then that’s fine. I mean, we all have different coping mechanisms.”

A moment of silence stretched before I managed to speak.

“I need better control of my anger, Mama. It is what I fear the most.” I mumbled.

“Then that should be your focus. Not blocking us off. Above all, you need your mate. Her support would make things easier. Don’t drown yourself in the guilt of something you couldn’t control…”

“No, Mama. I could have stopped it. If I wasn’t too focused on my emotions, on my rage, I would’ve noticed something was off. Just like last time I fought him, I let my anger lead me on, and in both instances, I’d have lost her. Keeping her at a safe distance is for the best, Mama.”

Silence. More gripping silence.

“Amari?”

“Naa”am.”

“Do you love her?”

I scoffed quietly. “Of course I do, Mama.”

“Then this isn’t the right way to do things. You’re only hurting her, not protecting her. Take that from a fellow woman. Whatever you do though, always know that I’ve got your back, okay?”

I nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see me so I spoke. “Yes Mama.”

“Good. Nyala ta maka Albarka. Take care of yourself, okay?”

I slipped the phone from my ears as though I had no energy left. The throbbing in my head had increased, and I could feel it reach my eyes. My heart hurt, and I could feel the pain of being away from Nala eat at me. Last time I came here, we weren’t marked, so our bond wasn’t as strong as it was now. This time though, it was torture. Pure undiluted torture.

I shifted my gaze to the field where they were warming up. They must have noticed I was on the phone hence why none of them approached me. I stood up, dusted the back of the track suit I wore, slung my backpack on my back and began walking away.

I can’t train. Not after talking to Nala. And not after my discussion with Mama.

‘I’ll train tomorrow morning,’ I thought, linking them all as I left.

By the time I arrived at the guest house, I couldn’t even see where I stepped. So, I got into bed and pulled the quilt over me. I was cold, and every part of my body hurt. I could feel the connection between Leo and I continue to slip, and I didn’t like it. He was missing our mate as much as I was, and he wasn’t taking it well. Neither was I.

Because right now, I felt sick, and so did he.

‘I miss her. But we need to protect,’ he hissed, as though in pain.

‘You’re right,’ I answered, my eyes shutting off involuntarily. ‘You’re right, Leonardo.’ Then I embraced the darkness, the throbbing headache, and the pain.

*

I awoke to the beep of my phone. The room was dark, which meant it was already late in the night. The light I had kept off even when I arrived was still the same. My body was still hurting, and was now weak.

An aftermath of blocking my mate off and being away from her for days. Even before I left, I had created that distance between us. And for some reason, that was weakening us. Way more than I had imagined.

My phone beeped again, and I realized I had gotten into bed with the phone resting beside me. I pulled my phone and tapped on it, the light on the screen blinding me for a few seconds before my eyes cleared.

It was 11pm.

Nala’s name was on my screen, with two message notifications. I tapped on the message, and my breath caught.

Right on my screen, was a picture of Nala. She wore an oval patterned Ankara, a combination of red, green and yellow. It was a knee length Ankara that captured the defined curves of her body. It had no sleeves, so her arms and neck were bare. A string curved round the neck.

She had her hair packed into two, with a bead-like crown attached in the middle. Red lipstick painted her plump lips. She looked…breathtakingly gorgeous.

Attached to the picture was a message.

‘Ready for our phone date night! How does Nala look?’

I swallowed hard and fast, almost choking on my spit. She got dressed up…for me. Just for a phone call. I didn’t know what to make of that, but I knew what I needed to do.

I needed to send a reply. I needed to tell her how she looked.