One More Chance
Chapter 113: I hate myself that I love you

~~~I belong to her and you belong to him. We keep on playing a game we'll never win. We gotta stop before the hurt begins. What we had we'll always treasure. Believe me, it's easy letting go. So let's stop before we fall in love. Let's end it before the smoke turns to a flame, less than a game. Let's stop before the pleasure turns to pain. No reason to explain. Let's stop before we fall in love~~~

-Norman Saleet-

"Fine." He sighed. "What is it? Let me know the thing that's bothering you."

"Tss! The thing that's bothering me, really?" I chuckled sarcastically and walked past him, but then stopped after taking a few steps. "Well, then you listen! Do you know how much I loved you back then?"

His eyes softened from the words I mentioned.

"But I don't think so!" I continued.

"Sam..."

"I loved you with all the piece of me. I gave you everything including my dreams, my life, but what did you do? You made my life a living hell and blamed me for everything when all these years, you fucking knew what the real happened during that night! How dare you!" "Wait, w-what do you mean I knew---"

"How dare you accused me of seducing you and called me names when you knew I didn't do anything! You forced me! You forced me that night!"

I didn't miss the gasp that escaped his lips.

I tried so hard not to let my tears get in the way of my emotions, but I failed because it started to roll down the time I opened my mouth again.

"I met Gerry earlier, the bartender I asked to put a sleeping pill in your drinks, but instead, he put a sex-enhancing drug. And he was the same man you talked to almost 9 years ago when you found out there was hidden a camera in that room and his friend recorded everything! How dare you not tell me what you discovered? Why didn't you tell me you knew all about what happened? That you didn't fall asleep that night, instead it was me who fell asleep as he put a sleeping pill on my drink!"

Sobs simultaneously escaping my lips as I remembered the things he did, the way he made my life miserable, the way he broke my heart and trampled my dignity so many times when he brings different women to his room.

"You made me believe it was all my fault! I took all the blame, Luke! I took all the pain and you just let me suffered! I fell asleep so that means you have a choice to leave, but no! You continued touching me and when I told you I was pregnant, you pretended it was just nothing!"

I took three long strides to get to him and slapped him again.

"What kind of a person are you?" I continued to hit him but he didn't move or dodge any of my punches. He took them all, willingly.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry? You're saying sorry again?"

"I'm sorry."

"How many times do you have to say sorry?"

"I'm sorry, Sam, I got scared."

"You got scared? Jesus Christ, Luke! Are you even a man?"

"Sam..." This time, he took my hands

and rested them on his chest. "I regret everything I've done. I know I've made a lot of mistakes and I also know that it cringe you away every time I mention the word sorry. Honestly, I don't really know how to face you. I feel like a fading candle every time I see you as it reminds me of the pain I caused you. I know I don't deserve you, but what do I do? I love you and I'm willing to wait and to take the risk just to be with you."

"Argh!" I screamed wearily, taking my hands out of his grip. "I'm so tired of hating you but I'm also tired of loving you." I slumped on the floor with my back rested against the back of the couch. I can feel the exhaustion creeping not just in my entire body but also in my

heart.

He knelt in front of me and tried to hold my hand, but I didn't let him, instead, I looked him directly in the eye. And with heavy tears flowing down my face, I asked him the questions I had intended to ask him a long time ago.

"Why? Why did you cheat on me? Why didn't you follow me? Why did we end up like this? Was it really all my fault?"

"No. I'm sorry. Honestly, it was all

mine." He slowly shook his head and held my hands that no matter how hard I tried to take them, the more he tightened his grip. "It was me who messed it up from the very beginning. I should've protected and understood you instead of putting all the pressure on you. I should have taken care of you and our daughter instead of blaming you for the thing I actually did. I got scared and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a father and a husband. And that made me weak. That fear

depleted me, so I lost you and my

family completely."

I bit my lower lip as I witnessed the sorrow that registered in both his eyes. And a deep silence stretched between us for a few seconds.

"Do you want to know the truth about how I really felt?"

I asked looking again into his eyes. And even though I got no response, I didn't miss the way he gulped the nervousness as he waited for my next words.

"I'm still in love with you."

His mouth hung open in surprise. Maybe he wasn't expecting to hear that thing from me, especially after all I discovered.

"Did you hear me? I still love you and the truth is that I've never really forgotten you. I know it only made me more stupid as I found it so hard to forget you. All these years I thought I had already moved on, but I was wrong. I still couldn't and no matter how hard I tried, I always ended up failing in the end."

But to my surprise, he remained quiet again. He just lowered his head while still holding my hands.

"And do you know how much it hurt

me? What hurt me the most? It's that I realized that I wasn't really coping but was just covering up the pain. Actually, I don't know why I loved you then and even until now, don't know why I still love you after all the things you did to me, after the unending hell I had experienced from you. You know what, I hate myself that I love you, but what

would I do? What must I do, huh? So instead of telling me how sorry you are, why don't you just tell me how to unlove you? How to move on from you? How to forget you?"

But when he said nothing and just remained in his position, I took my hands back.

"Sam..." That's just when he looked at me.

I closed my eyes tightly and think of other words to say.

"I wanna go back to New York---"

But I didn't get the chance to say what I had in mind as an unexpected thing happened next. I felt a pair of warm lips over mine. I snapped my eyes open and was about to push him, but he was fast to hold the back of my neck and leaned over to deepen the kiss. I protested under his hold but he was too strong and didn't even budge. As his lips started to invade mine, it was also then that mind, my body and soul started having a heated battle. I began to get confused as to whether to push him or give in with his touch and with the kiss that my heart and soul have longed for, for so long.

It was so different. The sensation was so different compared to when it was David giving me the same thing. There seemed like unending sparks wrapping my whole body. His every touch weakening the shield of my sanity and at that moment, I felt like I was a moth that slowly and continuously approaching the fire even when I knew I could be burned and die.

But all the thoughts vanished as my heart and body won the battle and found myself giving in to his touch. I lifted my hand over his shoulders and started kissing him back. Tears rolled down my face as I listened again to my heart... again. Deep inside that little organ beating in my chest, it keeps yelling at me... 'just this once... just this once' and after this, I'll stop him. I'll get up and stop him, but that too was completely forgotten as I found it hard to stop. It's too late to stop.

It's been a few years, but the sparks and sensations were still there and nothing has changed. The excitement of being held in his arms overwhelmed me that it almost made me forget what I went through from that same and with the same arms a few years ago.